Lessons Extracted
by MissWinkles
Summary: Long time platonic friends Edward and Bella look to solve their cash-flow problems by making an adult movie together. The two have always been comfortable with each other, but will they be able to keep it friendly when the cameras roll?
1. Booty & The Beast

**A/N: The full name for the Story is 'Lessons Extracted Through Using Sex For Underpaid Knuckleheads'. Work that one out for yourself.**

**Big thanks to my wonderful co-author Shoefreak37, your Sparkly Peen is in the mail, with a big super sized jar of Nutella. Not for use at the same time btw.  
**

* * *

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, nor do I own Zack & Miri Make A Porno. Those rights belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Kevin Smith.**

* * *

**Chapter One - Booty & The Beast**

I only had another half a block to the house, and Jesus-fuck it was cold; seriously, if it got any colder, my balls would've been migrating toward my asshole for warmth. I could barely feel my fingers as I shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. I picked up my pace, anxious to get out of the chilled night air and really looking forward to a hot shower. The week was dragging more than usual; maybe it was because I was looking forward to the weekend, or maybe it was because the customers had been extra annoying.

I mean, who doesn't back up to a zip drive? Customer service would've been a great job if it wasn't for all the customers.

Growing up in Detroit I was used to the snow, but the cold was another thing entirely, and, man, it was fucking cold. The temperature was twenty-four, to be exact, with a wind chill factor even lower. I was wearing two shirts, a hoodie and a jacket, but could still feel the cold penetrating right through to my bones.

I was almost to my driveway when I spotted Mr. Berty, our landlord, walking his pitiful excuse for a dog on the path in front of our house. I pulled my jacket collar up higher, trying in vain to cover my face as I lowered my head. My day had been relatively shitty as it was, and an earful from my landlord was not what I wanted this late on a Thursday night.

I was almost there; only a few more steps and I would be home free. I turned up the short driveway to the house, walking as fast as I could while still trying to be stealthy enough for him not to spot me.

But it was too late.

Mr. Cullen!" he called, the ball of brown fur attached to the end of the leash barking loudly as he dragged it up the drive towards me. I contemplated making a run for it, until I remembered that he knew where we lived.

Pretending as if I hadn't already seen him I looked up, watching as he crunched through the light dusting of snow that covered the strip of grass that passed as our front yard. Malcolm Berty was a middle aged, over weight pervert with a lazy eye. Bella called him Dirty Berty because he had a tendency to leer at her and make inappropriate comments; I always had to remind myself not to call him Dirty Berty to his face, as much as I wanted to.

"Hey, Mr. Berty!" I called, trying to turn away and slip inside before he held me up, but my evasion tactics were too little, too late.

"So, you still hold gainful employment I see?" he said, pointing to the collar of my work shirt that was poking out the top of my jacket.

I looked at him, confused.

"Well, you haven't lost your job, and you're not in hospital, as you're standing here in front of me in perfect health. So I'm amiss to see why your rent is late again, Mr. Cullen."

Damnit! I knew I should've run when I had the chance. He was glaring at me so hard that his lazy eye slipped even further to the left and was wobbling slightly from side to side. It took all of my concentration not to stare directly at it.

"You uh…mean you didn't get the check I sent?" I stuttered, scratching my head and feigning innocence. "Huh, I was sure I mailed one out to you last week."

_Don't look at his eye! _

_Don't look at his eye!_

"Don't give me the bullshit, Cullen," he said, panting heavily as he waddled closer. "Your rent is a week late. It was two weeks late last month and two weeks the month before."

I was trying my absolute fucking hardest _not_ to look at his crazy eye, and I'm pretty sure that if it had not been below frickin freezing, my palms would've been sweating profusely. I was completely devoid of any excuses, my brain was frozen from the sub zero temperatures, making it about as useful as a dick flavored lollipop, and he knew it.

He grinned widely, a row of yellowed and stained teeth appearing from behind his lips. "Have the rent paid by next Monday, or I'll have you and your girlfriend evicted so fast your heads will spin!" He glared at me one last time before he turned and trudged back through the snow, stopping only to let his bastard dog shit on the front lawn.

"Yeah, well…maybe you could come and fix the front door? And she's not my girlfriend, douche bag! And he's gone, and didn't hear me," I mumbled, as I watched him cross the street.

I pulled the front door key out of my jacket pocket, my cold fingers fumbling with it as I slipped it into the lock. I shoved my right shoulder against the door to push it out of its warped frame, and it popped open with a jolt, sending me stumbling into the tiny apartment. Feeling along the wall for the light switch, I almost lost my footing on a pair of Bella's shoes that were lying haphazardly just inside the door.

I caught myself before I face planted into the floor, throwing Bella's shoes aside. As much as I frickin' loved that woman, she was such a slob. There were always shoes lying all over the floor, clothes strewn all over the house, or toothpaste all over the bathroom sink. Man, that girl sent me in-fucking-sane sometimes.

I pulled off my gloves and jacket, slinging them over the back of the couch. I checked my watch, 6:15 p.m., Bella should've finished work fifteen minutes before, which gave me some time before she got home.

My stomach gurgled loudly, obviously not satisfied with my pitiful excuse for lunch, which consisted of a diet coke and a bag of potato chips, almost seven hours ago. I pulled open the fridge, the light inside throwing a yellow glow over the kitchen. The scene inside the refrigerator was bleak: three beers, half a cheese pizza, and half a carton of milk, which, by the smell wafting from the carton, was out of date.

I grabbed a beer and one slice of pizza, leaving the other two for Bella. One thing I learned from being best friends with that chick for ten years? Never, ever, ever, _ever_, stand in the way of a hungry Bella and cheese pizza. Switching on lights as I went, I made my way down to my bedroom at the end of the hallway, noticing as I passed that Bella's door was closed and the light off. I stripped off my hoodie and hung up my work shirt and pants for the following day.

I grabbed some sweats and the cleanest smelling t-shirt from the floor, draining the last of my beer before making my way towards the bathroom. My phone buzzed in my pocket alerting me to a text, and I flipped it open. I'd hoped it would be Bella telling me that she was bringing home food, but it was even better; it was Tyler telling me that he had finally gotten his hands on a pirated copy of the 'World of Warcraft' expansion pack. I don't know how he got it, but who cared? I got it!

I was so excited I broke out my happy dance, doing the best robot _ever_ down the hallway towards the bathroom.

A high pitched squeal blasted from the bathroom as I threw the door open, and I looked up to see Bella, my roommate, sitting on the toilet flailing her arms around like crazy. I wanted to turn away, but I was stuck in place, my feet rooted to the ground like some deranged pervert.

A loud thud snapped me out of it, and suddenly Bella was lying on the floor in front of the toilet, her pants still around her ankles as she screamed at me.

"Shut the door! Shut the _fucking_ door!"

Out of instinct I took a few steps closer to try and help her up, still unable to form a coherent word as she struggled to cover herself.

"Edward! Get. The. Fuck. Out!"

I turned and grabbed the door handle, closing the door as quickly as possible, the ridiculous image burned into my retinas as I threw my hands over my eyes.

"Jesus, fuck, Bella, close the door if you're going to do that!"

Seconds later the door flew open in front of me, a red faced Bella glaring at me from the doorway, "It _was _closed, Edward!"

"Well it wasn't closed all the way!"

"Whatever," Bella said as she pushed past me. "Geez Edward, lighten up! If I'd known you were into that kinky shit I would have let you watch."

I stood in the doorway of the bathroom; my mouth opened and shut a few times like a fish. How did I end up being the one embarrassed?

"Cram it up your cramhole, Swan!" I yelled down the hall. "You're such a nasty bitch!"

She laughed loudly, even snorting a little. "And you're a sexual deviant Edward. Lucky we have each other right?"

"You mean, lucky _you_ have _me_?" I asked, now standing at her bedroom door, watching as she searched through the mounds of clothes on the floor for something. How did she discern what was dirty and what was clean without smelling anything? Must be a girl thing.

"Ha!" she chuckled. "Cullen, who'd get you laid if I wasn't around? Huh? Who'd take you out and get you ridiculously drunk? Emmett? I think not, his wife would kick his ever lovin' ass, and yours!"

I gasped, grasping at my chest in mock pain. "You mean what would I do without you to pimp me out to all your friends, and then get me so drunk I can barely walk, let alone take the random chick home? You're right, what would I do? Where would I go?"

She slapped me playfully on the arm as she passed on her way to the laundry. "What are you doing home anyway?" I asked, watching her pull everything out of the wash basket onto the laundry floor, tipping the basket upside down.

"Fucking Bill, that useless fuck. I go around all day in that ridiculous dress and those goddamn roller skates, I don't complain..."

I laughed quietly to myself and Bella stopped momentarily to glare at me.

"Okay, I don't complain _much_. Anyway, I dropped three plates, _three_, and he has a spaz attack! That asshole pays, like, two bucks for those plates and I get docked fifteen bucks from my pay. So, I told him to shove it, and I left early."

She was sitting on the laundry room floor, lifting up every item of clothing and shaking them vigorously before slamming them back into the basket.

"Bella, what the fuck are you looking for?" I shouted.

"My black yoga pants. I swear I had them yesterday, and now I can't find them!" she answered angrily, tossing an errant sock across the room.

I turned back to the bathroom, leaving Bella to her search. Knowing her, they could've been anywhere. The week before I'd found a pair of her socks in the top drawer in the kitchen. Why? Who the fuck knows.

I showered quickly and flopped down onto the couch next to Bella who was eating the last slice of pizza. "You still on for tomorrow night?" I asked, nudging her slightly with my shoulder.

"Ugghh," she groaned, flopping sideways and burying her head in the couch pillows. "Do we have to?"

"Please, Bella, I can't go on my own. You know that I need my wingman!"

Bella sat up, turning towards me and crossing her legs. "Look, Edward, I'm sure there are people who are actually excited to see their classmates. People who are happy to plaster the fake smiles on their faces and act interested in all the bullshit, but I am not! There's only one person who I'm even remotely interested in talking to, and he's sitting right next to me. Don't make me go!"

I took her hand in mine, rubbing the back soothingly. "Bella, remember that time I drove you all the way across town so that we could watch that band because you wanted to screw the lead singer?" She nodded sullenly. "Remember me driving all that way so you could try and fuck THE GAY lead singer of that band?" She nodded again, her bottom lip between her teeth. "Well, I think you owe me, and this is me calling in that favor."

"Oh come on! How was I supposed to know he was gay, Edward? And anyway, I seem to remember you got some action out of the road trip."

I laughed at the memory. "Okay, One: They were called Queens of the BoneAge, and everyone knows Jacob Black is gay. Two: The "action" I got was from a cross-dresser, and it couldn't really even be described as action, seeing as how she just licked my face and told me I tasted like marshmallow peeps."

At that point Bella and I were both laughing so hard she had fallen off the couch and was curled up on the floor in hysterics. "Oh my god, I forgot about that! Her name was Chi Chi LaRue, and she was taller than you are, and wouldn't leave you alone, so you hid in the men's toilets, but then she followed you in!"

"You would hide, too! She had hands as big as Andre the Giant!" I yelled. We sat on the floor laughing like two hyenas, until tears were streaming down our faces.

I smiled. "So, you going to come with me tomorrow night?"

Bella grimaced as she sat beside me again.

"Look, we'll go for an hour, tops. You can drink as much free booze as you can, and then we'll leave."

"Or," reasoned Bella, "I have an idea. We could just not go at all, stay here, and watch The Goonies on T.V.!"

"Bella, we have The Goonies on DVD. Anyway, I'm never going to be able to make a move on Tanya if you're not there."

Bella sighed, resting her head on my shoulder. "Tanya Denali? Really Edward? Didn't she call you Edward Penishands at school?" she asked, looking up at me from my shoulder.

"Yeah, okay, but that was then, and this is now. I've changed since high school... Haven't I?"

Bella looked at me, her eyes squinted. "Not really."

"I have so!" I exclaimed, pushing my glasses further up my nose.

I looked down at my ratty sweats and my favorite t-shirt, the one that Emmett had given me for my birthday the previous year that said, "I'm not a Geek. I'm a level 9 Warlord."

"Okay, well, that's a moot point," I conceded. "Whatever. What I'm saying is, I want my best friend in the whole world there with me. Please?" I gave her my best, sweetest smile; the one I knew I could bring out when I really wanted something from her.

"Ahhh okay!" she yelled, throwing her arms in the air. I grabbed her and tucked her under my arm, messing up her hair roughly.

"Thanks B, I promise it won't completely suck balls."

She pushed my arms away, fixing her hair. "It better not Cullen, or I'll kick your fucking ass!"

We sat in silence, watching a rerun of 'The Golden Girls' until I was almost asleep, my head in Bella's lap. When the show, like we always did, I turned my back to her, and she jumped on, wrapping her arms and legs around me.

I walked the two of us to her bedroom, dropping her on her bed. "Night B," I said.

"Night," she replied. "Hey Edward?"

I turned her bedside lamp on as I passed it. "Yeah?"

"I'm prettier than I was at school, right?" she asked.

I turned at the front door, squinting my eyes at her, pretending to think really hard about it. I shrugged. "You look about the same."

I closed the door, laughing at thud that was probably a shoe hitting the door behind me.

"Edward, get up!"

I rolled onto my stomach, stuffing my Star Wars pillow under my chin. "Five more minutes," I mumbled, burying deeper into my warm and cozy bed.

Another loud banging shook my bedroom door as Bella screamed, "Edward, get the fuck up!"

"Alright, alright, I'm up!" I called, sliding out of bed.

Half an hour and two cups of coffee later, we were sitting in Bella's rusted out truck, waiting for the heater to warm up. The truck rumbled and sputtered as the engine warmed, the ice on the windshield slowly melting as the air from the vents heated. I blew into my gloved hands, trying to warm my fingers as Bella slid into the passenger seat beside me.

"Goddamn it's cold. My fucking nipples are about to bust through my dress," Bella stuttered, her teeth chattering noisily as she rubbed her hands over her chest.

"Jesus Bella, put your nipples away!" I said, reaching into my jacket pocket and pulling out two hand warmers, ripping open the packs.

"What's that?" Bella asked, leaning over the center console, her hands still planted on her chest.

"Hand warmers," I said, shaking the pads to warm them.

Bella reached over, snatching the warmers from my hands. "Gimme that."

"Hey!" I protested, but she leaned away from me and proceeded to shove the two warmers down the front of her bra.

"Ahhh, yeah, that's the shit, toasty warm," she purred, sitting back in the seat with a big grin on her face.

I just stared at her, contemplating whether or not to reach into her top to retrieve the hand warmers. Thinking better of it, I just shook my head at her and put the car into reverse and made my way out of the driveway.

"You want to come with me at lunch? I have to go to 'Pants Palooza' to get some new pants for tonight," I said, rounding the corner of our street.

"Nah, I'll just pull something out of my extensive wardrobe," Bella said, rubbing errantly at her right breast. "Actually, I'll just borrow something from Angela."

"Okay, well I'll bring home dinner then and-" I was interrupted suddenly by a loud yell from Bella.

"Oh, fuck! It burns! It burns!" she screamed, clawing at her chest, her hands digging down into her bra. Apparently the hand warmers she had stolen from me had warmed just a little too much. She pawed and grabbed at her chest as I doubled over in laughter, trying my hardest to keep the car on the icy road.

"It's not funny Edward! OH SHIT, they're stuck... my nipples are on _fire_!" she yelled, ripping her jacket open. "Pull the car over!"

I was laughing so hard that my sides were hurting. I could barely see out of my tear filled eyes, but I managed to pull the car over to the side of the road where Bella immediately opened the door, diving face first into the snow.

"Ohhh," she sighed loudly as she shoved her tits into the snow. "Ohhh, yeah."

She picked herself up, reaching into her bra and pulling out the offending pads, tossing them into the snow beside her. She lifted herself back into the car with a huff, and I burst into laughter again, unable to stop.

"Fuck you!" she spat. "My nipples are burnt, you spaz!"

"That was...oh, fuck...that was the funniest thing I've ever seen!" I laughed, pulling the car away from the curb.

I pulled over again a few blocks down, outside of my work. We both jumped out of the car, meeting on the sidewalk.

"I'll see you tonight then. Pick me up at six?" I asked.

"Sure, Sure," she said. I held out my arms for our morning hug; Bella huffed loudly, but came in anyway. "Six o'clock. And Edward?" she called, moving around to the driver's side. "There better be free beer and food for me to eat, or I'll stick hand warmers on your balls when you're asleep."

I laughed and waved goodbye, making my way inside. Emmett was already at his desk, swinging from side to side on his chair.

"Edward, you tappin' Bella's fine ass yet or what?"

A customer walked in, a hard drive under his arm, and rang the bell at the service counter. I threw my things under the front desk and hung up my jacket.

"How many times to I have to say it, Emmett? B and I have a good thing going. She pays the rent and she helps with the bills. Why would I complicate that with sex?"

Emmett looked at me dumbfounded as the customer at the counter rang the bell again: twice.

"Uhhh, let's see, because you haven't been laid in fucking forever, and your dick is going to morph into a vagina?"

I shook my head. "I've known her since high school, and you don't fuck someone you've known since high school."

"Excuse me?" asked the man the front counter, looking over at us.

"Hey," said Emmett, "I met Rosie in high school and we've been married for twelve years!"

The guy at the front counter tapped the bell impatiently and said, "Hey! Can someone help me out here?"

Emmett poured us both a cup of coffee, adding three sugars to each.

"How is Rosalie by the way?" I asked, smirking.

He groaned loudly, "I love her to death, but I swear, that woman is the bane of my existence!"

I laughed, sipping the hot coffee slowly and setting it on the desk.

"Hey, fuckers, is this a computer repair shop?" shouted the man from the front counter.

I walked slowly over to the counter, putting my glasses and name badge on as I went.

"Hi, welcome to 'Your Motherboard.' I'm Edward. How can I help you today?"

The guy lifted his hard drive onto the front counter. "I bought new software, and now I can't download, and I keep getting error messages."

I picked up a clipboard from the counter. "What operating system are you running?"

He looked at me blankly.

"Operating system, XP? Vista? Windows 7?" I said, passing him the customer registration forms.

"Oh, it's uh, Vista I think."

I heard Emmett chuckle from behind me.

"Well, there's your problem! Vista is a piece of shit system, full of glitches and bullshit system errors. The only way to get rid of Vista is by booting off the CD and formatting the computer. It will wipe everything out and allow you to start all over with Windows 7, but you're gonna lose all OEM software and any other preloaded things on the computer, so I'll make backups just in case you ever want them back. Then once Windows 7 is installed I'll need to reinstall all the other windows updates, software, and drivers. It takes about 2-3 hours, and you will have to purchase the Windows software which is $259.95, plus the labor, so you're looking at $328.95."

The guy's jaw dropped, and he moaned, "Well, fuck."

_What a way to start a day, _I thought.

Other than the reboot, business was slow. Emmett and I played a game with spit balls for an hour, and then spent another hour arguing about who played the best Dr. Who, which, by the way, was Tom Baker, no contest.

I took an extra long lunch, making my way over to 'Pants Palooza' to get a cool ass pair of black pants for the reunion, and damn, I looked all James Bond in that shit. And I could have pulled off the James Bond, too, if I hadn't gotten all tangled in my pants and fallen out of the changing room in just my underwear.

Lucky for me, there was no one else to see it.

I was standing at the front desk at work again, this time arguing with Emmett about DC comics versus Marvel, when the phone rang.

"Good afternoon, Your Mother, this is Emmett...Have you tried turning it off and on?"

He sighed loudly.

"OK, the button on the side, is it glowing? Yeah, you need to turn it on...," I watched as Emmett ran his hands over his eyes.

"The button on the side turns it on…"

The buzzer on the front door sounded, and I turned to see Bella stroll in, still in her uniform and almost three hours early.

"Yeah, there you go. I just heard it come on. Okay… Thank you for calling Your Mother, and have a nice day." Emmett hung the phone up and smiled widely at Bella. "Hey Bells!"

Bella reached up and gave Emmett a high five and then threw herself into the chair across from me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "You didn't leave early again did you? Bella, it's your turn for rent this month!"

"If by left early, you mean got into an argument with a customer and then got fired, then yes, I did leave early."

The wind exited my lungs in a loud whoosh. "You what!"

Oh, Jesus, we were so fucked.


	2. The Legend In Bagger's Pants

**Author's Note: Shoefreak37 here, hope you enjoy the chapter. BPOV is written by me, EPOV by Miss Winkles (whom I love dearly).**

* * *

**Disclaimer: The shit in this story that you could get sued over for claiming it's your own is not our****s. We don't get paid for writing this fuckery.**

* * *

**Chapter Two - The Legend In Bagger's Pants**

Fired is such an ugly, hateful word. I preferred to think of it as liberated. Not that said liberation was convenient, which I suppose made it not so much freedom as further oppression. But I hated that fucking job.

Honestly, it wasn't my fault. That fucktard of a customer grabbed my ass! And I'd like to see anyone hold onto three plates, on roller skates, while some guy gropes their backside. Someone like me shouldn't be on roller skates period. That guy had some nerve. Just thinking about it made my skin crawl.

_"Hey, sweet cheeks, you're looking fine in that dress," jerk-bastard said, right before grabbing me with his slimy octopus hand.__ I jumped in surprise and the extremely fresh, scalding hot, bacon and eggs went straight into his lap.__ Served him right for being a dick and ordering breakfast at lunch time._

_"Sorry," I shrugged, unable to hide the smirk of satisfaction that crept over my face.__ I started picking up the plates and chunks of food that littered the table._

_"Bitch, you don't seem sorry.__ Come sit on my lap and tell me how you like your eggs," that prick had the nerve to say.__ I responded in less than half a second._

_"I like my eggs unfertilized, so fuck off!" _

_I allowed my voice to rise much higher than I had intended, which alerted my boss, Bill, to the situation.__ Of course, he rushed over all tight-lipped and red-faced, clearly fuming. The vein on the side of his head looked about to pop._

_"What's going on here?__ Are you gentlemen enjoying your food?" he asked politely._

_"I can't enjoy it, seeing as how it's in my lap. And your waitress here," he said pointing at me, "needs a real attitude adjustment." _

_"I am so sorry, guys. We'll get you more food, on the house," Bill said, trying his best to be placating._

_Turning to me he huffed. "Isabella, go into my office.__ I'll be there in a few minutes."_

_Shit, fuck, damn I'm in trouble__, I worried, as I made the short journey into Bill's office.__ Watching my feet, I honestly felt like a dead man walking - well, dead woman roller-skating.__ I collapsed into the beat-up, metal chair across from his desk as the fluorescent lights flickered and hummed overhead._

_Sitting under those horrible lights gave me a headache, so I skated over to peruse Bill's drawers for some pain reliever; of course, he chose that moment to walk in._

_"Bella!__ What are you doing?" he asked, causing me to jump in surprise, and in turn, to lose my already unsteady footing and fall flat on my ass._

_"Damn, Bill! You scared the shit out of me!" I exclaimed, picking myself up off the floor._

_"I scared you?__ What the hell are you doing rifling through my desk?"_

_"I was just looking for something for my headache," I replied._

_Bill continued to stare at me, crossing his arms over his chest and shaking his head._

_"Sit down, Bella," he said, gesturing towards the chair._

_I started my explanation before I even made it to the chair._

_"Bill, that guy was a douche bag.__ The only reason I dropped those plates was because he grabbed my ass. My ass, Bill! And then when I apologized he started hitting on me.__ I know being a klutz is normally my thing, but this time, I swear-"_

_"I don't want to hear it, Bella.__ Even if he did do those things, you should've found me instead of verbally abusing him.__ Now, I can forgive some broken plates, but-"_

_"Yeah, you can forgive those because you keep way more out of my pay than what they're worth," I blurted, throwing my hand over my mouth once I had realized what I'd said._

_Jesus, I needed to learn how to control my word vomit._

_Bill put his face in his hands for a second before looking at me.__ Before then, I'd only thought his face was red, but at that moment, it was practically burgundy.__ He sighed loudly before saying, "You're fired."_

_I gaped at him with my mouth hanging open.__ Believe it or not, I was actually shocked into silence.__ Part of me had been expecting it, but, fuck, I needed my job.__ I rose from my seat and straightened my ugly-as-ass dress and very calmly said, "Fuck you, Bill, and you're fucking piece of shit diner," and walked out._

I relayed the whole thing to Edward, watching as his eyes grew as round as those plates I'd dropped. I could practically see the panic mind-fucking him from the four feet that existed between us.

"We are so fucked, Bella," he mumbled from where he'd put his head between his knees. I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Nah, we'll be fine, Edward. What about the emergency cash you keep in your underwear drawer?" I asked.

"I had to use that to pay the water bill that was almost sixty days past due…and…buymodernwarfaretwo," he answered.

"Damnit, Edward. Did you really need another game?" I replied. To say I was exasperated was a huge fucking understatement.

"About as much as you needed that new vibrator. Don't look innocent; I saw the cock shaped box in the garbage!" Edward practically shouted, and I was, for once, glad how few customers 'Your Motherboard' actually had. My stupid cheeks grew heated, and I just knew I was fucking blushing again.

"What are we going to do?" Edward's voice was rising in octaves, a sure sign his stress level were at maximum.

"I'm going to find another job," I answered simply. "But, I think I'm way too upset to go to the reunion tonight, Edward."

"Oh, no, no, no! You're really going now. You need the free booze. I know I sure as hell do. Fuck," Edward cursed, rubbing his hands over his face. I turned towards the door, preparing to leave.

"Okay, okay. I guess I'll try to get a few applications in before tonight." I waved to Emmett across the shop, and turned back to Edward. "See you later, asshole."

I loved Edward like a brother, but he could be such a fuck head sometimes. The dynamic in our relationship had always been this; he was the uncomfortable, nerdy, shy one, and I was the outspoken and crude one.

I think I was generally a bad influence on him. My personality came from being raised by a single dad. He'd taught me from a young age that most men are dicks, and that I should carry pepper spray with me all the time.

I stayed gone as long as possible, applying for a few jobs here and there. I didn't get back to the apartment I shared with Edward until about an hour before we were to leave for the reunion, or, as I liked to call it, the please-give-me-the-opportunity-to-talk-about-myself-more mixer. I knew as well as he did that the only purpose a high school reunion served was to let our classmates who did really fucking well for themselves rub it in: just like high school, only in grown-up clothes.

As soon as I opened the door, I heard the water running in the bathroom and Edward singing, _'The Imperial March'_, which was difficult, considering it didn't have words. Edward was giving it a try anyway.

"Bum, bum, bum, bum, bah duh duh dum," Edward crooned. I stifled my giggles as I walked past the bathroom and into my bedroom.

Throwing down my bag, I flung myself onto the bed, throwing my forearm over my eyes and exhaling loudly. I was about to start groaning to myself about having to go to that stupid reunion when I heard the pipes moan and the water in the bathroom trickle off. I sat up and jumped off the bed.

"The fuck?" Edward squealed. I threw open the bathroom door to see him peeking around the shower curtain, his hair lathered with shampoo.

"I thought you said you paid the water bill, dumbass," I spat.

"I did. I paid the part that was almost sixty days past due. We still owe them. Damn, I thought they'd wait longer before this happened."

"Well, I hope the video game you bought can wash your ass," I replied.

"I really thought we'd be okay. Don't just stand there, help me!" Edward said, gesturing towards his soapy hair.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, glancing around the bathroom. What the fuck could I do?

"Use the water out of the toilet and help me rinse my hair."

I screwed up my nose. "That's disgusting."

Edward flapped around like a mother hen as I opened the lid of the toilet.

"Not from there! From the back," Edward said, gesticulating impatiently. I found a cup on the sink and scooped some water from the back reservoir.

"Try to keep yourself covered. I really don't want to see your twig and berries, okay?"

"No problem. I have no desire for you to see my cock, Bella. Anyway, once you see it, you'll be begging to have a closer look," he said.

"Sh-yeah, because it's so small I'd have to get closer to see it," I mumbled, while I began rinsing his hair.

"Just shut your face, Swan," he spat, squealing like a little girl, as the cold water splashed over his head and down his back.

Since the water had been shut off, I wasn't able to take a shower before the reunion, so it didn't take long to get ready. Not that I cared that my hair still smelled like the diner; there was no one I wanted to impress.

We left right on time, Edward promising, once again, that we would only stay an hour or two.

Once we were inside, we checked in and got our name badges. Edward groaned when he saw his said, _'Edward Penishands'_ after he'd thoroughly denied ever being called that.

Walking into the crowded gymnasium, I was assaulted by flashing lights, by hordes of people who looked nothing like anybody I'd ever known, and by some unknown, god-awful stench. It looked –and smelled- like the 90's had taken a dump all over a crowd in their late twenties that was pretending it was still 1999. I saw a flash of plaid and chuckled to myself.

_Christ on a cracker, somebody is wearing flannel_, I thought.

"What are you laughing about?" Edward asked, as he fidgeted with his collar and glanced around. He practically emanated self-consciousness in his form-fitting argyle sweater. I'd tried to convince him that if he wanted to ditch the nerd image, he shouldn't wear argyle. Asshole didn't listen to me.

"You and your obviously over-eager crotch looking for Tanya," I quipped, pointedly glaring at the fly on his pants.

"Jesus, Bella, do you have to be such a bitch? That's just my shirt all bunched up," he returned, untucking the collared button up he wore underneath his sweater.

"That's why you love me," I replied, puckering my lips and making over-exaggerated kissy noises.

I walked over to the bar, Edward close behind. I kept my eyes on the garish lights and streamers to keep from making eye contact with anyone. My plan was to keep my head down, endure an hour or two, watch Edward fall all over himself with Tanya, then spend the rest of the evening drunk as all hell and forget I ever knew these tools.

"I need a Long Island iced tea and a beer, please," I smiled sweetly at the bartender and turned around to face Edward. "Did you want something, Edward?"

"Yeah, I'll have a beer."

"Two beers with that L.I.T.," I relayed to the bartender, holding up two fingers. If I was going to make it from zero to drunk in less than sixty minutes I was going to have to double team myself. Luckily, I was up for the challenge.

I had grabbed my drinks and winked at the bartender –his ass was amazing—when I heard a voice that caused my eye to twitch. My eye hadn't twitched since senior year.

"Izzy, Bizzy, Bo-bizzy, banana-fana fo fizzy, me my moe mizzy, IZZY!"

I pivoted on my heel and turned around, slapping on the most sardonic smile I could muster.

"Eric," I said. Cue eye roll. "My name is Bella. Always has been."

"Not to me. To me you're Izzy! Always will be," he replied throwing his arms around me. I think the stench in the gym was him; in fact, I was sure of it.

Eric had followed me around all throughout senior year. I never told him to fuck off, so he took that as acceptance. I felt bad for the poor guy, I mean, his glasses should've been approved by the FDA as a form of birth control, he always smelled like cabbage, and his hand was constantly down the back of his pants.

"I'm going to go mingle so you two can catch up," Edward said, giving me a mocking look and taking off before I could respond. I gave him a baleful glare and decided that I was going to drink his beer since he left it behind.

"Got enough to drink, Incredible Izzy?" Eric asked, leaning closer to me. I had to try not to gag and it was really fucking difficult.

"Not enough, Eric. Not nearly enough," I replied, shaking my head. "Hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Nice talking to you."

I ducked and dodged when he went in for another hug and practically ran to the bathroom, leaving him with his mouth agape and his little ferret eyes all squinched.

After my successful escape, I hid in the bathroom for several minutes. I brought my drinks –all three of them—in the bathroom with me and patted myself on the back for not spilling them. I quickly downed the mixed drink and started working on one of the beers.

I felt bizarre in that bathroom; it had been ten years since I'd set foot in there, and it was just as disgusting as it had been then. You would've thought with the reunion coming up they would've swept up the tampon applicators that littered the floor.

"Gross," I said out loud, before turning my gaze towards the filthy mirror that hung over the sink.

I squinted at my reflection, looking for subtle differences since the last time I'd stood in that place. There was a tiny line on my left cheek that hadn't been there before, and an even smaller one on my forehead. Sure, it wasn't much, but I didn't like the idea of getting old. I was almost thirty for fuck sake, and still single. I couldn't afford wrinkles. Damn Edward for making me laugh so much. I pouted my lips and tried to make a sultry face to no avail; it only made me giggle. I knocked back the rest of my beer and started on Edward's.

Eventually, I decided to exit the bathroom and make sure Edward hadn't made an ass of himself yet. I had started to feel a little tipsy, still paying close attention to nothing in particular, when I ran into something firm and round. I blindly reached out, assuming I had walked face first into the wall of balloons that decorated the room, when I felt something like a…nipple?

"If you want to feel me up you could at least let me return the favor," came a smooth voice. I looked up as my face burned; the 'balloons' I had squeezed belonged to a person.

"Oh, shit, I'm so sorry," I spluttered, attempting to apologize when I noticed my hand was still splayed on her right breast. "God, I'm sorry." I removed my hand and firmly planted my arms at my sides.

"That's okay, sweetie," the woman said. "What are you drinking?"

"What? Oh, yeah, just beer," I replied. The woman standing in front of me was gorgeous. She was trashy, but in a classy, playboy bunny kind of way. Her long blond hair was curled at the ends, legs that lasted forever in stilettos, heavy eye make-up, and super shiny lips.

She asked the bartender for a beer and handed it to me. Her extra long fingernails reminded me of claws. I giggled.

"So, what's your name, sugar?" she asked.

"Bella," I hiccupped. "What's yours?"

"Anita. Anita L. Box."

"That's a different name. Did you go to school here?" I tried to get a clearer look at her to see if I recognized her face, but nothing registered.

"No, I'm here with someone."

As soon as she'd spoken I began scanning the crowd for Edward, wondering if he'd found Tanya. I found him quite easily; I could hear his nervous chortles, even above the obnoxious music. He was doubled over in laughter and gesturing towards Tanya with one hand, while the other one ran nervously through his hair.

"Aw, that's just sad," I mumbled.

"What?" Anita asked, scooting closer to me.

"My friend, Edward. He's totally trying to get in the pants of this chick he had a constant hard-on for in high school."

"Oh, that is sad," she replied, pushing out her lower lip.

"So, who are you here with?" I asked. I figured I might as well make polite conversation.

" Tanya Denali."

"Really? That's who my friend is hitting on. See right there," I pointed towards Edward, "the one dressed like he stepped out of _Revenge of the Nerds."_ Anita laughed softly.

"That's beautiful. Truly. Little does he know that young love will hate fuck you as soon as it gets the chance," she chuckled.

"True. Where are you from?" I asked.

" Sunny Los Angeles."

"Ah, that's awesome. What do you do in L.A.?" The curiosity was overwhelming me; I wondered what a woman like her would do to make a living.

"I make movies," she said, smiling coyly.

"So, you're, like, an actress?" I pressed, wanting to know more.

"Yes, you could say that."

"Anything I've seen?"

"Well, it's mostly movies with all female casts."

"What? Like 'Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?'"

"More like 'Your sister licked my throbbing hood and shoved her nimble fingers inside my well-travelled pants.'"

"Oh," I replied lamely. "Is that like a retelling of the original story? Sort of like '10 Things I Hate About You?'"

"More like a re-imagining. With fucking."

Even in my hazy state of mind, I was left somewhat speechless. I blinked several times and opened and closed my mouth consecutively.

"Forgive me if this is out of line, but do you make lesbian porn?" I questioned.

"Ding-ding we have a winner. I thought you might've recognized me…the way you grabbed my tits," she laughed.

"No. No, not at all. I'm sorry about that. Wow."

"You really don't seem the type that would be in my demographic anyway. I'm not offended or anything."

"What's your demographic?"

"Do you like cock?"

"Hell, yeah," I replied.

"Not you."

"Wow," I repeated, once again looking Anita up and down; she did look like a porn star.

"I'm kind of interested to know," I started, "what the L stands for in your name."

"Licker. Anita Licker Box."

"That's a good one!" I said honestly. We continued to talk about Anita's profession, and I got nosey enough to ask about money. Turns out the pornography business had been very kind to Ms. Box. By directing, producing, and starring in her own movies, she made over a hundred grand a year.

"Izzy, Rizzy, Sizzy, Fo-Rizzy!" Eric shouted from across the room.

"Shit, time to change location; I've been spotted. Come with me to meet my friend, Edward. I'm sure he's embarrassed himself enough," I said, tugging Anita behind me as I waded through the crowd towards Tanya and Edward.

"Hey, Edward," I chirped once he was within hearing range.

"Beat it, B," he muttered through gritted teeth.

"I wanted to introduce you to Anita," I continued, ignoring his dismissal. "Tanya's girlfriend."

"Hello," Anita greeted, extending her hand towards Edward while throwing back the rest of her drink.

"Oh, fuck," Edward breathed, looking at his shoes and widening his eyes. This was worse, and far more entertaining, than I could've anticipated.

"Anita here is the star of such adult films as…what was the name of that movie you told me about again?" I asked.

"Get Out Of My Face Or Sit On It," Anita answered promptly.

"Right, right. I can't believe I forgot that one," I added, looking towards Edward who was fidgeting a ridiculous amount; he kind of looked like he was about to have a seizure or something. Fuck if that wouldn't be the perfect way to end the evening.

"Are you fucking with me?" Edward whispered.

"No, they're fucking with each other," I chuckled, gesturing towards Anita and Tanya.

"Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" Anita asked, pointing at Edward.

"No. I've never met you before."

"Oh, my God," Anita said, as she started frantically digging through her purse, pulling out her phone. "Tighty Whities! "

"How can you tell?" Edward asked, running his hands over his ass.

"You're a celebrity. Who would've thought I would come to Michigan and meet somebody famous? This is insane. I was seriously just watching you before we got here. This is you, right?" Anita finished, holding out her phone for Edward and me to see.

There on the screen was Edward exploding out of a dressing room, pants around his ankles, falling to the floor, and struggling to right himself in nothing but his tiny, white briefs. I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

"Where did you get that? I could've sworn nobody was around…" Edward said, before clapping his hand over his forehead. I could see the pit stains darkening the fabric of his sweater, but who could blame him? Finding yourself practically naked and bumbling online would do that to anybody.

"I did a search for tight and undressed, and it was the top video. It's had, like, more than two hundred thousand views in three hours. I'm jealous, really," Anita said, her excitement genuine.

"Oh, fuck," Edward repeated.

By that point, I was laughing openly. I'd had several drinks and the whole thing was surreal.

"Baby, take my picture with Tighty Whities," Anita said, handing a camera to Tanya. "This is so awesome. Smile, Tighty Whities. Smile, Bella." Of course, I'd gotten in on the picture, too.

"E-mail me that," I added.

"Sure, yeah, I will," Anita said.

"So, you're a lesbian?" Edward asked Tanya. She nodded. "And I'm on the internet in my underwear?" I nodded, pursing my lips and patting him on the back. "I'm gonna go binge drink until I pass out," he finished, taking off before I could say anything.

"Okay," I shouted after him. "He'll be fine. So, you ladies, like, use strap-ons, huh?

"All the time. Strap-ons, fingers, tongues, vegetables… It's amazing, but I'm usually the one that has to do the fucking," Anita said.

"Okay, Sweetie, I think that's enough," Tanya said, blushing.

"She's not living out loud like me," Anita explained as I nodded. "She gets embarrassed. Look how cute she is."

"You two are totally in love, huh?" I asked.

"Isabella, we so are! I just want to smooch her all over, and Tanya feels the same about me. I can't keep my hands to myself around her."

"You're causing a scene," Tanya chastised, her eyes scanning the crowd to see who might've heard their quarrel, before covering her face with her hands.

"You want to see a scene? I'll give you a scene. Listen up, everybody! My name is Anita Licker Box and I love Tanya Denali!" She did a spun around slowly as she shouted, and finally looked back towards Tanya. "Is that enough of a spectacle for you? I can do worse."

"No. Thank you," Tanya interrupted, "You're right."

"Are you just saying that?" Anita asked.

"No. I mean it. I love you," Tanya said, giving Anita a quick peck on the mouth.

"I'll email you," I said, deciding to leave since the show was almost over.

"Bella, it was nice to meet you," Anita said as I turned to leave.

"You, too!" I said honestly. That had to have been one of the most bizarre and fucking hilarious interactions I had ever seen. I'd have to thank Edward for making me go to the damn thing.

Knowing exactly where he'd be, I found him quickly. He was leaning against the bar, a beer in each hand.

"You shouldn't have run off like that! You totally missed all the fun," I told him, trying to get him to look me in the eye. When he finally did, he jutted out his lower lip in a pout.

"Do I make chicks wanna be lesbians, Bella? Are you gonna be lesbian now?" he slurred a bit as he spoke. I was impressed, he worked faster than me.

"No, Edward, I like dicks," I replied. "Case and point: I live with you, and you're the biggest dick I know. Are you ready to leave?"

"What, you wanna leave with _meee_ instead of your new giiiirlfriends?" he said, leaning forward and stumbling over his feet.

"I'm driving," I said, reaching into his pocket to grab the car keys. Edward giggled.

"Hey, hey there, careful. It's has been awhile since lil Eddie had any attention," he chuckled.

"Oh my God, I am NOT trying to cop a feel," I replied, pushing him towards the door.

"Promise more drinks get when we house?" Edward asked. I had been around him enough when he was sloshed to know what he meant.

"Sure, sure, Edward," I answered, rolling my eyes while I helped him exit the gym.


	3. Sex Trek: The Next Penetration

**Author's Note: Epically sorry for the delay in the update. Sometimes I don't know what is going on in my twisted mind! Big sparkly thank you to shoe for not spanking me at the chapters lateness! IFLY and you know it.**

* * *

**Disclaimer: The shit in this story that you could get sued over for claiming it's your own, is not ours. We don't get paid for writing this fuckery.**

* * *

** Chapter Three - Sex Trek: The Next Penetration**

Well, the night did not turn out as expected; let's put it that way.

I suppose Tanya and I ended up having more in common that I had originally thought. We liked the same beer, we had the same taste in movies, and apparently, we both liked pussy. Who knew?

Ignoring Bella's ridiculous comments about my sweater, I'd worn it, along with my new pants, and my favorite shirt and tie. I thought I was looking pretty fly, if I may say so myself. I left Bella with that douche Eric, which serves her right for the comment she made about my crotch. I'd spotted Tanya the moment we walked in; she was still much taller than most of the other girls, and there was a small crowd around her made up of the douche bags we went to school with. Her hair was still the same strange strawberry blonde shade, and her skin was pale and flawless.

Oh yeah, Tanya Denali still made my software turn into hardware.

I covertly checked my breath, tossed a mint in my mouth for good measure, straightened my shirt, and ran my hands through my hair. Not that it would do any good anyway. I tried to summon up some courage, so I turned to the wisest person I knew: Yoda.

_Use the force_, I thought over and over.

"Uh…T…Tanya?"

She spun to face me, almost spilling her drink as her elbow bumped into my stomach. I probably shouldn't have been standing so close.

"Oh, hi there!" she said. She had no idea who the hell I was.

"It's Edward. Edward Cullen?"

She stared at me blankly.

"We had four years of Spanish and Math together?"

I saw her look down at the tag on my chest, and then there it was, the light bulb going off in her head. _PING_! Her eyes widened, and she gasped.

"Oh my God! Edward Penishands, look at you!"

_Again with that goddamn name_? "It's uh….it's just Edward actually."

"Oh yeah, sorry. So, wow! How are you? God, you look amazing," she said, her huge blue eyes focusing right on me. Shit, she was so in to me, the Cullen charm was working. Resistance was futile.

"Yeah, well, you know, I work out a bit." If you call whacking off and playing Wiffle ball with Emmett working out. "You look amazing."

"Oh, thanks," she said, smiling.

It was her smile that threw me; she was looking right at me, and I freaked! My nervous Tourettes reared its ugly head, and I said, "I mean really, you look great. Not that you weren't bangin' in school, you were always smokin' hot at school, like, fine."

_Abort! Abort! Captain we're going down!_

"I mean, you looked stacked...I mean smart!"

_Oh, by the power of Greyskull stop_!

Tanya nodded awkwardly, saying, "Yeah, well, like I said, thanks."

I grabbed a beer from a passing waitress, throwing down the contents of the bottle in one go. I choked down what I'm pretty sure was a cigarette butt, before turning back to Tanya.

"So! Are you staying in town for a while, or….?"

Tanya shook her head. "Uh no, I'm flying back to L.A. in the morning."

"L.A.? Wow, look at you! Big time Miss Denali, livin' it up in the City Of Angels. It is still Denali right? You're not married, or with some muscle bound, ex-football player who would potentially beat my skull in?"

_Please say no. Please say no._

"No, no. Not married!" she said, showing her left hand. _Score one for Edward_!

"So, what about you, Edward? Is there a Mrs. Cullen floating around somewhere? Or a brood of little Cullens?" Tanya asked.

"No! God no. I'm not married. Completely single, totally unattached, free, without spouse."

"Really? That's hard to believe," Tanya said, smiling, "I always thought you and that Swan girl were cute together."

A nervous laugh exploded out of my mouth in a loud pop, startling Tanya so much she jumped a little, spilling some of her drink down her dress. I reached out, wiping the clear liquid from the front of her dress.

"Shit, sorry. God, you should probably soak that. But it'll come right out." I had been trying so hard to wipe the mess from her outfit that I hadn't realized I had been pawing at Tanya's right boob repeatedly. I froze when I realized what I had been doing, wrenching my hand away and shoving it into my pocket again.

"Yeah, thanks. I've got it." Tanya said, wiping the front of her dress

Tanya and I stood in awkward silence for a moment. I was about to excuse myself to the bathroom and hang myself with my belt, when Bella sidled up next to me.

"Hey, Edward," she chirped.

"Beat it, B," I hissed at her. I was so mortified all I could think about was finding a drink and getting hideously drunk. So drunk that I would, God willing, forget about the past twenty minutes. Where is the flashy thing from _Men In Black_ when you need it?

I vaguely heard her introduce me to some woman standing behind her; to be honest I was too busy plotting my escape to really hear what Bella was saying.

I caught the tail end of her speech "...Tanya's girlfriend."

"Tanya who?" I said without thinking, obviously.

Tanya stepped forward a little. "Me," she said with a little wave of her hand.

There were actually crickets inside my head. I looked back and forth between Tanya and Anita like some deranged side show clown. It took a beat or two for my brain to wrap around the fact that Tanya was in fact, a lesbian. I listened in abject horror as Bella told me about Anita. Anita Box, the porn star. I could see the look of sheer pleasure in Bella's eyes as she relayed the gory details to me. Then, to make things even worse, Anita shows me some grainy video phone footage of me at Pants Palooza, white briefs and all.

_Kill me. Kill me now_.

After the Tanya debacle, and after consuming copious amounts of liquor, Bella and I made a quick exit. Well, mostly sober Bella made a stealthy exit; I just stumbled my way to the car and into passenger seat, my head swimming as I rested it against the head rest. Bella even made it whole block before she opened her big mouth.

"God, Tanya's girlfriend is, like, fuckawesome! Did you see her tits? I mean…wow! I bet Tanya just motor boats those things daily!"

I rolled my eyes in frustration. I swear, that woman could be so fucking dense sometimes.

"Who knew Tanya Denali would turn out to be a lesbian, dating a porn star? Huh, I wonder if her sisters know?"

I simply groaned in response, my head lolling from side to side on the head rest.

She pulled the car into the drive, turning off the rumbling engine and slipping her gloves on. "You're such a lightweight, Edward. You had what? Three beers? You're a goddamn mess."

I screwed up my face at her, trying to make the two Bella's become one. "Pshaw! Am not."

I opened the truck door and tried to get out, but there was some invisible force field that was holding me back. I jerked harder, trying to break my way free and get out of the damn car, but it was no use. I was like the Millennium Falcon, trapped in the clutches of the Death Star.

"Dear lord, Edward, you have to undo the seat belt before you exit the car," Bella said, laughing. I heard the click of the seat belt from behind me, and suddenly the ground was rushing towards my face. I landed with a thud, face down on the drive. Rolling over I burst into a fit of laughter.

"Well, would ya' look at that. I _am_ drunk!" I slurred.

Bella helped me up, and we ambled inside. Slowly and carefully, I changed out of my suit pants and into my jeans, making sure that I hung up the pants so I could return them the next day, getting my money back.

I watched as Bella sat on my bed with my laptop, and I could hear the sound of that goddamn You Tube clip, playing over, and over, the sound of my ungraceful fall from the change room echoing through the bedroom.

I thought Edward Penishands was bad, but, sweet baby Jesus, I would never live this down.

"You better not be buying any more of that self warming lube, Bella. I swear, those sites are flooding my laptop with spam. I'm getting pop-ups for something called the 'Joy Finger' every two seconds."

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Even if I wanted to, I can't. My credit card is maxed out, remember?" She slammed the screen of the laptop down in a huff; I was about to lecture her about it when the lights in the house flickered, once, twice a third time, and then shut off completely. The house was plunged into darkness, and I could barely see my hand in front of my face.

_Great_, I thought, _Fan-fucking-tastic._ No power meant no lights, no refrigerator, and - worst of all - no goddamn heating. There was only one thing we could do.

"Joe's?" I asked, hoping that Bella was still even in the room.

"Fuck, yeah," said a voice from the darkness.

Twenty minutes later we were at Joe's Pub, half a block from the house, drowning our sorrows rather effectively with Tequila shots.

"What kind of sick fuck turns off the power on a Friday night, in the middle of the coldest winter Michigan has ever seen?" I asked, before throwing back another shot, cringing as the burn radiated through my chest. "Can you get an advance on your credit card?"

Bella shook her head, still sucking the last bits of juice from her lemon wedge, "Uh uh, that vibrator maxed out my $200 limit." I glared at her, shaking my head. "Not a wise purchase at this point in time, I'll give you that," Bella conceded, "but, at least I'll be happy when we're living on the streets!"

I lay my head on the bar in front of me, turning to look at Bella. "This is bad, if we don't come up with the rent, we're going to be locked out of the apartment."

Bella shrugged, ever the optimist. "Who the fuck wants to live there anyway? No water, no power…"

"I know you're joking, Bella, so I'm going to ignore that comment. But all jokes aside, these are the exact circumstances people find themselves in before they start selling drugs or having sex for money."

Bella nodded glumly. "Making porn?"

"Exactly," I mumbled, burying my head deeper into my arms.

Bella suddenly sat up ramrod straight on the stool beside me, slapping her forehead with her open hand. "Oh my God, yeah!"

"What? You got an idea?" I asked, lifting my head, eagerly awaiting the idea that would get us out of this god forsaken mess.

"We could make porn!"

My head fell back, and I signaled to the bar tender for another round. "Not the idea I was looking for, Bella."

"Are you fucking shitting me? It's a fuckawesome idea, Edward! That girl, Anita Box, who is Tanya Denali's amazingly awesome girlfriend, said she makes one hundred thousand dollars a year, shooting and distributing adult films. God, I don't know why I haven't thought about this before, I mean, why not?"

I ran my hands through my hair in complete disbelief. "Why not? Are you serious? If it's so easy, why doesn't everyone do it?"

"Because," Bella started, shifting forward on her chair, "other people have options, Edward, and dignity, which we do not have."

"Fuck you, I have dignity," I argued.

"Ha!" Bella laughed out loud, "Where? In your famous tighty whiteys that are posted all over the internet? Is that were your dignity is? Could have fooled me."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Bella jumped right back in. "Okay fine, families. People don't make porn because they have families, but, luckily, your parents are dead. Sorry."

I nodded. They had died when I was really young, so there was no point being gentle about the fact. "What about Charlie, Bella?"

"Pfft!" she said, waving her hand at me. "Charlie wouldn't know the difference between memory and RAM if it slapped him in the face, let alone figure out how to work the internet! Plus, his idea of porn is watching some fat, old dude cast his line," she finished, snickering.

"Bella, memory is RAM," I grumbled, the tequila suddenly making me feel both lightheaded and sleepy.

"Whatever, Edward. Look, porn is so main stream now it's not funny. It's the done thing these days. Look at Paris Hilton, she made the most boring sex tape in history, and she makes millions from it. I'm pretty sure that woman is legally retarded!"

I grabbed my coat and threw it on, tossing Bella hers as she slipped off the bar stool. She stumbled slightly to the right, and I caught her arm before she fell on her ass.

"Look, B, there has to be a less extreme way to look at this. I mean, you could be a stripper?"

Bella snorted. "I can barely put one foot in front of the other on a good day. I doubt men would pay to watch a clumsy bitch fall all over the runway."

I thought about it for a moment. Bella, in nothing but a tiny, blue, lace bra and panties, her pale skin glowing in the strobe lights as she danced provocatively in front of a group of overweight, drunk men.

_Oh hell no_!

"Yeah, that's out for sure," I agreed, pulling her close to my side as we made the short trip back to our apartment, the both of us stumbling all over the footpath.

We walked in silence for a few blocks; the only sound was the quiet crunching of our boots in the snow. Bella chewed on her bottom lip, and I could tell she was still thinking about the ridiculous porno idea. I started to sing to try and get her mind off the subject. I reached back into my 1999 repertoire, coming up with the one song I knew would make Bella laugh.

I held my free hand up like a microphone in front of my mouth and sang, "He may not have a clue, and he may not have style..." Bella's mouth dropped open as she recognized my terrible rapping, and I continued loudly, throwing in some gang signs with the free hand that wasn't holding my imaginary microphone.

"But everything he lacks, well he makes up in denial!" I launch into the chorus, completely off pitch and yelling at the top of my lungs. "Give it to me baby…"

I passed the invisible mic to Bella and she screamed "Uh-huh, Uh-huh," loudly in a high pitched girlie voice.

I was trying so hard to control my laughing, but the words were coming out in garbled, half words as we continued. By now Bella was bouncing next to me, laughing out loud.

"And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly..."

Bella pointed directly at me as she sang the last lines, "For a white guy!"

We were still laughing as we fumbled around our dark apartment, looking for the flashlight that I knew was under the kitchen sink somewhere. "Where the fuck is it?" I spoke into the darkness.

I finally found it, behind some washing powder. "AHA!" I said, as I switched it on, the white beam of the flash light shining across the apartment. I felt like Luke Skywalker as Bella and I walked slowly down the hallway towards our bedrooms. I even made a little light saber noise as I swished the flash light from side to side.

Bella leaned against her bedroom door, holding herself up a little. "So, what do you think, Skywalker?"

I swung the flash light over my head once more for good measure, and then spun it around and shone it in Bella's face. "Bella, nobody wants to see us fuck."

She batted the light away from her face. "Everyone wants to see anyone fuck, Edward. Shit, if you told me you had a tape of that chick from those vampire movies, getting fucked stupid by some overweight, balding guy, I'd say '_Hell yes let's watch that!_' Hell, I'd watch that Anita chick flick her skittle, and I just met the woman!"

"Okay, and on that note, it's time for bed," I said, turning the flashlight towards my room. The sex talk had apparently woken Lil' Edward, or, as I called it, my Photon Torpedo, and after a night involving more talk about lesbian porn than an average night with Emmett, the torpedo was definitely in need of some quality time.

I heard Bella giggle quietly behind me, whispering, "Night night, Tighty Whitey's."

_No she didn't!_

I stopped half way down the hallway and spun around, aiming the flashlight at her face. Bella's eyes opened wide, and she clamped her hands over her mouth tightly, trying to stifle a laugh.

I'd show her.

Bella backed into her closed bedroom door, as I walked slowly towards her. Standing directly in front of her, I moved forwards slightly, pressing my chest against hers lightly, effectively pinning her to her door as I moved my hand up beside her head, the other one down by her side. I felt her sharp intake of her breath as my hand skimmed her hip before it moved slowly to its destination. I stared down at Bella, her eyes were wide and her mouth was open slightly in surprise. I leaned in a little closer, our noses almost touching, and with a quick flick of my wrist...I turned the door handle of her bedroom door.

Bella immediately fell backwards as the door swung open behind her. "Unf!"

"Night," I said, waving to her as she sat on her ass on her bedroom floor, her face a picture of bewilderment as she stared at me.

A string of profanities followed me down the hallway, and one of Bella's shoes whizzed past my head, slamming against the wall.

I closed the door, listening as Bella stomped around her bedroom for a few minutes. I slipped into my boxers and slid under my comfy Star Wars sheets that Bella had given me for Christmas last year.

I cracked my knuckles and reached for the lotion. It was time to let a round off.

I lay back and closed my eyes, skimming through my spank bank for some good material.

Tanya's awesome right boob that I managed to get a handful of? I'm sure I had better material.

Lesbian Porn? Eh.

Tanya dressed as Princess Leia in Return of the Jedi? Not quite.

Then it hit me, the image of Bella, dressed like Princess Leia, grinding slowly, the beats from the music dictating the movements of her hips as she swayed rhythmically in front of me.

That was the first night I whacked off to the image of my best friend, Bella Swan.

* * *

**A/N Who's ready to make some porn? What's the funniest porn name you've ever seen, let us know!**

**Quick shout out to Alby Mangroves for being the she-goddess that she is, and to mymunkyman for the song rec!**


	4. Legally Boned

**A/N:Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Enjoy.**

* * *

**Disclaimer: the shit that is copyrighted we don't own.**

* * *

**Chapter Three - Legally Boned  
**

Edward was being such a pussy!

I mean, why couldn't he just man the fuck up and fuck me in front of a camera for money? I couldn't understand what the big deal was. Maybe he was ashamed of his Johnson – or his Photon Torpedo as he so lovingly called it. I wasn't sure what his deal was, but, honestly, it was making me feel a bit inadequate. I felt like the whole porn idea was great; anybody can fuck. Easy, right?

Luckily, neither of us had to work the next day; if not for that fact, I have no clue how we would have woken up without an alarm clock. Of course, I was awake long before Edward, and, damn, was I bored with no electricity. I'd settled in and was reading one of Edward's Star Wars graphic novels when he finally dragged his lazy ass out of bed.

"Good Morning, Edward," I said, smiling through my greeting.

"Fuck off," Edward grumbled, walking towards the coffee pot. "Why haven't you made coffee?"

"Uh, Edward? We have no electricity," I answered.

"Shit, that's right. I was hoping that was all just a part of that fucked up dream I had where you asked me to make porn with you," Edward said, scratching his crotch before rubbing his eyes. Men are disgusting.

"Now, Edward, you know that wasn't a dream," I said, jumping off of the couch and approaching him. His eyes were bleary and bloodshot; he was obviously hung over. I rubbed my hands up and down his forearms, wondering if I should find him some pain-killers for his head to soften him up.

"Can we please go get some coffee?" Edward asked, turning away from me and stumbling back to his room.

"Sure, let me check the couch cushions for change," I shouted after his retreating form. I immediately starting digging around in the sofa, looking for enough quarters for two cups of coffee. Throwing aside the loose playing cards from 'Magic: The Gathering' I found something quite disturbing. I picked it up with the tips of my index finger and thumb.

"Edward!" I shrieked so loudly it vibrated the appliances. "Why the fuck is there a nasty used condom shoved in the couch?" I knew it was used, because there was a lovely knot tied around the top, essentially sealing in the contents. I gagged and threw it down in disgust.

"What?" he replied, running out of his room in his jeans, his bare feet slapping the hardwood floor.

"Don't pretend you didn't hear me!" I answered, standing up and pointing to the offending prophylactic. "What skank have you been doing it with on my couch?"

"Oh," was all the sneaky bastard could say. Why was I getting so upset? I blamed in on the fact he had soiled my daddy's old couch with his fornicating. A blush spread out across Edward's neck which drew my eyes to his naked chest. Edward didn't normally lounge around without a shirt on, so it had been years since I'd truly seen him topless. Even the night before in the shower I'd made it a point not to look. I almost wanted to laugh at the happy trail that went down his abdomen and disappeared into his jeans. I suddenly felt myself staring and looked away.

"Oh? All you say to me is, 'Oh'?" I pressed, returning to my angry rant. I stomped towards the condom and stood directly next to it, pointing my finger with ferocity that made Edward flinch. "You won't fuck me for money, but you'll Ask Jesus for Shoes with some random stranger?"

"Come on Bella…I'm a dude. Dudes have needs. You're my best friend. I couldn't just ask you to fuck me. It was awhile ago anyway, and you were at work. No big deal?" Edward said, hands out in acquiesce. He walked over and picked up the condom, throwing it in the trash.

"Damn it, Edward, just throw your shit away, OK? There's no need to live like an animal," I huffed, returning to my search for quarters. "Put your fucking clothes on."

Edward sighed and went back into his room. I'm not going to lie, I was still furious and…jealous? How goddamn weird was that?

I'd finally found enough change to get us some coffee, so I yelled to Edward that I would meet him outside; I suddenly needed some fresh air.

Once Edward finally got his skank-fucking ass outside, I started walking without a word. He followed quietly, hands in his pockets, head down. We made our way to the little diner we always went to closest to our apartment. After we'd been seated, I started in on the porno talk again.

"So, Eddie," he snarled at me for using a name he didn't like, "what say you on the little skin flick we need to make?"

"Keep your voice down, B," he whispered. "Are you serious about this?"

"More serious than you are about World of Warcraft," I replied tersely, my face stoic.

"You want to fuck me. For an audience," he stated.

"Gah, Edward, I'd fuck anybody if the price was right," I said, and then thought better of it adding, "that made me sound slutty. I'd fuck anybody who was hot if the price was right." There, that made me sound much better.

"You think I'm hot?" Edward asked, a smile curling the corners of his mouth.

"Jesus, Edward, come on. You're hot, for a nerd," I replied, looking anywhere but at him.

"Wow, Bella, you really know how to make a guy feel special. 'I'd fuck anybody if the price was right'," he said in an almost spot-on impression of my voice.

He was being persnickety, so I decided to make a scene. I got up from my side of the booth and approached Edward, getting on my knees and grasping his hands. He tried to resist, but I was strong when I needed to be. He looked around frantically, checking to make sure nobody was looking.

"Edward Penishands Tighty Whities Cullen, will you have sex with me, in front of a camera for money?" I asked. The earnest look on my face would surely win him over. He was a pile of gooey shit for the puppy dog eyes.

Edward looked around again, his trademark crooked smirk perking the corner of his mouth. He tilted his head as though rolling the thought around, and then shifted his gaze back to me. "Yes, I will," he finally answered. We both giggled excitedly, trying to remain as quiet as possible.

"Well, come on, cunt nugget, let's get to planning this bitch!" I said, pulling Edward from the booth.

"What about my coffee?" Edward whined, throwing his body weight down so I couldn't tug him.

"Ok, bitch, let's drink the damn coffee. We can start planning here. You're such a pussy."

Edward scoffed as the waitress brought our cups and filled them.

"So! What did you want this 'movie' to be about?" Edward asked, wiggling his fingers and adding quotations.

"Well, that's something we need to work out. What do you think?"

"Umm, _Star Whores_?" Edward replied.

"Of course, you would want that. No, I'm thinking something more modern."

"_Yourasslick park_?"

"Ha! No, something not so compartmentalized. _Pulp Friction_?" I suggested.

"Ugh, no. Maybe, _Backdoor Adventures of Butthead and Beaver_?" Edward suggested.

"Edward! What's with you and asses? Is there something you're not telling me?"

Edward rolled his eyes at me, rubbing his face. "Shut the fuck up, Bella. How about _Throbbin' Hood – Prince of Beaves_?"

"Gross, no," I said. We both sat in silence for a few moments, staring at each other in deep contemplation. I wanted to laugh; I hadn't thought that hard about anything since high school.

In a flash of genius, it came to me. I sat up straight and started snapping my fingers, my brain working faster than my mouth could relay. "You know those popular books that were turned into movies?" He just looked at me, turning his head to the side.

"That could be anything, Bella. Embellish, please?"

"You know…the vampire ones? With that guy that has the fucked up hair, and that chick that has her mouth hanging open all the time?"

"Oh, yeah!" Edward's eyes lit up in recognition.

"_The Twatlight Saga: New Poon_!" I exclaimed, my excitement manifesting itself in a shrill squeal.

"Shhh," Edward chided, gesturing to all the people that surrounded us. "That's perfect," he whispered, his expression twisting into a wide grin.

"I think it would give us a wide demographic. Imagine all those horny housewives, buttering their bean to _New Poon_!" I said, trying my best to keep my voice low.

"It could be a good couples thing," Edward started. "Men love porn, and that would be one they could get their women to watch with them."

"Hell fucking, yes, it would," I affirmed, covering my mouth with my hands.

"So, how do you plan on financing this project," he asked, quirking an eyebrow. "You need money to make money."

"Well, I have an idea on that," I said, looking down at my hands, knowing that Edward would not be comfortable with what I was about to suggest. He would have to get over himself.

After twiddling my thumbs for a moment, Edward knocked on the table. I looked back towards him, his gaze reproachful. "I thought, well, that maybe… You could ask Emmett for a loan?" I finished, once again using my cute, cuddly eyes.

"Aw, B," he grumbled, throwing his hands in the air and looking away. I opened my mouth to start arguing my case when he breathed, "Okay. Okay, I'll ask him tomorrow."

"Thank you, Edward! I promise, this'll all work out. We'll make a shit ton of money. Maybe you could offer to let Emmett be a producer or something?" I said, nodding. "He could help us cast. He'd be more willing to loan us the money if you position it as free titties, right?"

"Yeah, you're right. Rosalie would kick his ass if she knew, but, I don't think he'd let that come between him and free titties," Edward replied, chuckling.

"I'm sure he'll loan you the money. The guy has been dying to see me naked since you started working for him," I laughed. Edward narrowed his eyes, a strange expression crossing his features, but it was gone before I could figure out what it was.

"Yeah, I guess," Edward said, suddenly finding his nail beds very interesting.

Finished perusing his fingers, he asked, "What about additional cast? We can't very well make an interesting porno that's just me and you vulcanizing my whoopee stick in your ham wallet. I'm sure some variety would be nice."

I nodded, answering, "I figured we could hit up strip clubs, bars, drive around looking for hookers…" My voice tapered off when Edward looked embarrassed. "What?"

"Nothing. Sounds good to me," he answered, his tone conveying he was done with the conversation.

"Have you had enough coffee? I think I should start working on the script."

"Yeah, sure," he replied, standing up and throwing a few quarters on the table as a tip.

We walked home, and I held onto Edward's arm, trying to keep myself from bouncing away. I just knew that making that movie would solve all our troubles.

The next day Edward went to work, and I started looking for potential cast mates. I went with a positive outlook, thoroughly believing that Emmett would loan Edward the money we needed.

Deciding to look for hookers first, I went into the bad part of town. I figured that trolling for hookers would be better left up to me; if Edward did it, with the luck he had, he was likely to be arrested.

I waited until the end of the day, Edward was working later than normal, and the days were shorter so darkness fell early. Hookers loved this time of year – more darkness meant more clientele.

Going into the bad part of town, I wasn't nervous. Being the only daughter of a single cop had its advantages and I was well-versed in the art of Kung-Fu. Well, not so much Kung-Fu as kick 'em in the nuts, stab them with your keys and run.

Within a few moments I hit the mother-fucking load. I had my pick: tall, short, fat, thin, brunettes, blondes, redheads, and each one looking to sell peeks at their snatch for the right price. I couldn't help the wide grin that broke out across my face. It was going to work. I just had to find one that was willing to do anything. By anything, I meant anal, because I sure as fuck was not going to do that shit.

I parked next to the curb around a classy looking bunch of skanks that were loitering in front of a seedy motel. Talk about wham, bam, thank you ma'am; you've got your woman and your location within feet of each other.

As soon as I'd put the hunk of junk in park, those bitches were trolling around my car like flies on honey; that was, until they noticed I was a chick, and a few immediately walked away. I knew the ones that stuck around were the ones I needed to talk to.

Getting out of my car, I entered the group and immediately started sizing them up. This one chick had more metal in her face than Edward had in his toolbox; I decided right away she wouldn't fit into our flick. Another one probably weighed close to three hundred pounds, and this wasn't _that_ kind of movie. I'd easily whittled the choices down to three in my mind; two brunettes and one blonde – all petite.

Honestly, I'd thought about ruling out the blonde right away, seeing as how our lead would need brown hair, but, hey, that chick in the movies had a shitty wig on, so why couldn't ours?

"You three," I said, nodding towards the ones I liked. "Do you ladies do oral?"

They looked at each other and snickered as though that had been a stupid question.

"On you?" one of the brunettes asked.

"Would you? I really meant on anybody, but it would be awesome if you were willing to do it on a chick," I replied. The look she gave me was so full of air I thought her head might float away.

"Yeah, sure thing, honey," she answered, while the other two nodded.

_Good, _I thought, _going better than I'd planned. _I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the next question. It was the question I figured I'd get some pushback on, but surely one of these whores would do it. They were whores, right? That's what they do for a living: get fucked in any orifice that'll hold a cock, right? Despite knowing those facts, I felt a goddamn blush rising in my cheeks. Again.

"What about anal?" I said, rushing the last word so that even I noticed it. They laughed at me openly, the two brunettes throwing their hands in the air, shaking their heads and walking away. The blonde stood staring at me.

"Just what kind of kink are you into?" she asked, her expression amused. I guess they didn't get questions like that from women very often.

"Do you? Do anal, I mean?" I asked again, not wanting to go into specifics with her until I got confirmation.

"No, huh-uh," she paused for a moment and stared off into space.

_Great, the only one that I can get to talk to me is fucking certifiable. She's probably talking to Spock in her head right now. _I laughed out loud at my errant thought, deciding I spent _way _too much time with Edward.

"Um," I said, pondering on whether or not I should snap my fingers in front of her face, when she finally focused on me again.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's oral I don't do. I love anal!" she said, nodding adamantly.

"Great! Perfect! What's your name?" I blurted, looking around when I realized how loud I'd spoken.

"Lauren…but hold on. You're gonna tell me what I'm getting myself into before I agree to anything," she said, pointing her finger at me and narrowing her eyes.

"Well, you see, my, uh, business partner and I are making a movie…"

Lauren had agreed to be in the movie, and I was giddy. My giddiness was doubled when I got home and Edward told me that Emmett had agreed to fund our little project.

"Yes!" I exclaimed when Edward gave me the good news. "I knew it. He fucking loves me."

Edward rolled his eyes.

"As much as that may be true, I'm certain it was the plethora of naked women that got his attention, although he was pretty skittish about Rosalie finding out. We'll have to keep this on the DL," Edward said, his voice dropping at the end of his statement.

I gestured around our dark, cold apartment. "The 'DL', Edward, really? You are such a dork," I scoffed.

"Shut up, hooker," he laughed. "Speaking of hookers, tell me how it went today."

"I'm the luckiest bitch in the world! Found the perfect one, first shot. She's blonde and beautiful and willing to take it in the ass," I grinned, punching Edward in the shoulder.

Edward looked away from me for a moment, his eyebrows furrowed. "I thought we needed a brunette?" he said, the color draining from his cheeks.

What the hell was his problem? I'd actually found the perfect chick for our project, and he was acting all emo about it.

"What the hell is your problem? I have brown hair. I could do the lead. Maybe whatever-the-fuck her name is –that bitch who loves vampires - doesn't do anal," I spouted. I should have been the lead anyway. Fuck, it was my idea.

Snapping his eyes back to mine, I actually saw Edward's pupils dilate and go all crazy and shit. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said. That stupid-ass look pissed me off. The fuck?

"Fuck you," I spat. "It's a great idea. Save money on wigs. I'm doing it, and that's that," I finished, spinning on my heel and going to my room, subsequently slamming my door.

I have no clue why I got so angry. Edward was always ridiculously overprotective of me, but I was never the kind of girl to need a guard dog; he knew that as well as I did. Although I would never, _ever_ admit it to him, it usually made me feel good. I felt cared for. The way he had looked at me though, well, that had me feeling coddled, and, Jesus, I would not stand for coddling. I was a grown ass woman, fuck that bullshit.

Changing into my pajamas, I climbed into bed. As I was settling in, I heard Edward muttering in the living room and banging around, acting like a spoiled brat.

To be honest, I had no desire to be the lead in _New Poon_, but I would do it, and Edward would fucking watch me.

Actually, Edward would be fucking me.

The thought made me dizzy. Things were falling into place, and it looked like this flick was actually going to happen. Thinking about actually have sex with my best friend had me giggling, until I thought about earlier when I'd inadvertently seen him with his shirt off. What I thought had been funny before actually silenced my giggles when I thought about it then. The thought made me…_warm._

I decided that thinking too much was retarded, so I went to sleep, having fitful dreams about cold, hard vampire peens and body glitter.

The next morning, I went with Edward to work. I needed to wash my hair, and Emmett had this big-ass sink there and a cot for when Rosalie kicked him out - which happened no less than twice a month.

We got there about an hour before the store was to open, and Edward volunteered to wash my hair for me. Who was I to turn down a free scalp massage? So, I let him.

Putting a towel down I could rest my neck on, I leaned over the sink while Edward soaked my head. He was surprisingly gentle when he started lathering up my scalp.

"You can do that harder you know," I grinned. "I like it rough."

"Oh, do you now? I'm filing that away for later." Edward and I had joked around with subtle innuendo before, but things seemed so different in light of what we were going to do. I mentally slapped myself for saying something so stupid.

Fuck, I was blushing. Fuckity fucksticks, I hated my trademark blush.

"Nerd," I said. "You're not even trying. I thought you were supposed to be smart."

Edward's smile faded a bit.

"I'm sorry about last night," he said, changing the subject. Edward's fingers on my scalp began to massage a bit deeper, but slowed in their pace. "It was your idea for the movie, and if you want to be the leading lady, then you should be."

I was shocked. After the reaction my suggestion had elicited from Edward the previous evening, I couldn't believe his was giving in so easily.

Edward's arms blocked my view of his face, and I looked at the underside of his forearms. When had he grown up? When had _I _grown up? His arms were so much thicker than I'd always thought, the tendons flexed where he scrubbed my scalp. I could feel the heat radiating off of him; I could smell his soap and the hint of cologne he wore.

Finding myself wanting to run my lips along the skin that was only inches from me, I closed my eyes, willing those thoughts away. I reasoned with myself that the only reason I was feeling that way was because I _had _to. I would have to start looking at Edward as a man instead of just my friend if we were to accomplish what we needed to for the movie.

"Well," Edward spoke, breaking me from my reverie. "Am I forgiven?"

"Yeah…yes, of course, Edward," I replied, opening my eyes and exhaling through my mouth. I really did give him a hard time, and he was always such a good sport about it. Edward always knew what to say or do to gain my forgiveness, even when it should've been me apologizing.

"So, when do I meet this hooker you've acquired?" he asked, once again speeding up his fingers on my scalp.

"Anytime now, actually. Once she finished her 'shift' she was going to come over."

"Oh. Sure," Edward replied, turning on the water and rinsing out my hair. "She's not, like, crazy or loud or anything, right?" Obviously, he was worried about drawing attention to our side project at his place of employment. I could hardly blame him.

"She seems a little flaky but harmless all the same," I answered, taking the towel from under my neck and putting it over my wet hair.

As I was towel-drying my hair, I heard the buzzer go off at the back door where deliveries were generally made. I figured that must have been Lauren.

"Edward, can you let Lauren in?" I asked, involved in getting as much moisture from my hair as possible.

"Lauren?" Edward asked, surprise coloring his tone.

"Uh-huh."

I heard his feet shuffle towards the back; my head still under the towel. I heard the click of the door as he opened it. I heard Lauren greet Edward by name.

_Wait. What?_

Leaping to my feet, I made my way to where Edward and Lauren stood gaping at each other. I looked at Edward, his face flaming ruby. Lauren appeared shocked but _pleased_, for some reason. Holy Fuckshit. They knew each other.

All those fuzzy fucking feelings I was having evaporated, and I was _livid. _

"Edward, why does Lauren the Hooker know your name?" I demanded, seething.

* * *

**Important Author's note: I'm sure a lot of you know about the flooding in Nashville. Some of the author's in our fandom are pulling together a compilation of stories that will be given in PDF format to readers that donate five dollars or more to flood relief. Miss Winkles and I (shoefreak37) are both adding our bit to it, as well as many, many awesome writers. If you're interested in donating or you're an author willing to write for the compilation please go to http:/community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/ficsfornash/ Thanks! 3**


	5. Driving Miss Daisy

**Disclaimer: The copyrighted shit doesn't belong to us. No infringement intended.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 5 – Driving Miss Daisy

_"Edward, why does Lauren the Hooker know your name?"_

_Oh, shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit._

Lauren looked at me expectantly, like a Labrador waiting for a treat. I had to resist the urge to slap her on the nose like a bad dog. Truthfully, I should have been nicer to her; she had given me a freebie. Because apparently, the Cullen charm also works on hookers. But, in my defense, I really didn't know she was a hooker; I just thought I'd suddenly got some game. I was pretty hammered, and she just expected me to know that she was a hooker, which was stupid on her part I guess. It's not like I needed to pay for sex. I mean, yeah, I'd thought about it -a couple of times actually- but there was a moral aspect to be thought about. Although morals went out the window pretty fast once I got her home. That bitch was nasty.

Bella stood beside me, her eyes moving quickly between Lauren and I.

I felt my throat tighten and my voice was croaky and hoarse. "I um ahem...I mean, Lauren here..."

Lauren giggled, touching my arm lightly. "Edward and I know each other quite well, Bella. We're like, super special friends, right Eddie?"

Bella grabbed my arm, pulling me to the side, her grip surprisingly tight around my elbow. "Ouch, Bella," I whined.

"Edward Anthony Cullen," she hissed. "Do _not_ tell me that she is the skank whore you banged on my couch, or so help me god…"

I swallowed hard. "Look, B, it was a one-time thing. I didn't know she was a hooker! Fuck."

Bella's face turned a shade of red I hadn't seen before. She narrowed her eyes at me, and I instinctively cupped my hand over my balls for protection.

After what seemed like an eternity, she finally blinked, her face relaxing into a scary mask of calm.

She took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "You know what? That's fine. Just keep your bitch on a leash and your dick in your pants. Until I tell you to take it out, that is."

It was bad. Bella had a habit of throwing major hissy fits, screaming, throwing shit around and all the girlie bullshit. But this was a whole other level of scary. And I was scared -_ really_ scared.

We walked back over to Lauren, who was completely enraptured with a fish tank screen saver on the front desk monitor.  
"Whatchya found there, Lauren?" Bella asked.

Lauren pointed to the screen, her eyes alight with awe. "How did you get the fish in there?"

I practically heard Bella's mouth drop open. Slowly she turned to me, throwing her thumb over her shoulder at Lauren as she moved past me. "She's all yours, E."

Emmett arrived for work about ten minutes later, and we both had to spend a good half hour trying to explain to Lauren that the fish weren't actually _in _the computer, but it was like trying to explain binary code to a preschooler. In the end, we gave her a blank disc to play with, hoping that shiny metallic disc would keep her happy as we pushed her out the door.

I'd spent half of the previous day working up the guts to ask Emmett about the money for our vampire porn. I mean, sure, we could just put a camera on a shelf and tape ourselves fucking, but who wants to see that? More importantly, who wants to pay to see that? Our first hurdle was money - or our lack thereof. We needed money for props, costumes and basic equipment. So, Bella and I decided to ask the only person that we knew who A: had money, and B: had low enough morals to want to fund the making of an amateur porn.

And Emmett was pretty decent about it, actually; once he stopped laughing.

"Are you fucking serious, Edward?"

I ripped open the box of new Ethernet cords and pulled a few out. "Look, we just need someone to finance the movie. You don't have to be there or anything. Rosalie would never have to know."

Emmett took the cords from my hands and stacked them on the retail shelves. "Well fuck, where's the fun in that? And hell, Rosie can bite my ass," he mumbled.

Emmett always pretended like he wasn't scared as fuck of his wife, Rosalie. But we all knew that he was. Jesus fuck,_ I_ was scared of that bitch. I tossed the empty box away and began re-pricing the sale stock. "Well," I said, slapping the sticker on an anti-virus pack, "you could always be the producer."

Emmett looked up from the shelves. "What would a producer do?"

_Think, Edward. Think! _

"Well…as producer, not only do you get your money back, but you'll also get a cut of the profits."

Emmett put his pricing gun down and walked around to my side of the shelves. "Continue," he said with a wave of his hand.

I gulped, desperately trying to think of something that would seal the deal for Emmett. "And, uh, you get to see the script before we start."

He cocked his head to one side slightly, wrinkling up his nose before turning and walking back towards his side of the shelving.

Seeing his interest waning I decided to pull out the big guns - the one thing I knew would change Emmett's mind: full frontal nudity. "Did I mention you get to help with the casting? Of the other actors, I mean."

Emmett stopped and spun around. "So, I'd get to help pick the chicks?"

I nodded.

He tapped his finger on his chin. "So, I could like, check out a titty? Make sure it isn't all disfigured and shit?" I nodded again.

"Of course. Em, you can check out _both _titties."

Emmett's eyes lit up as he thought about it. He leaned against the racks, smiling at me. "I'm due for a new set of titties. Not that Rosie's aren't fucking amazing, because they are. But, I've been lookin' at the same titties for the past twelve years, time to change it up, you know?"

I nodded like I had any idea what the fuck he meant. As a dude who didn't get to see them on a regular basis, tits were tits. Hell, I'd take what I could get.

Emmett and I went back to our respective jobs, pricing and stacking, and Emmett casually hummed 'Celebrate' by Madonna.

"You know, Emmett, if you hate being married so much why'd you do it?"

I heard Emmett take a deep breath on the other side of the shelf. "Edward, I love Rosalie, really I do. But marriage…." he trailed off, and I heard the click of the pricing gun a few more times before he started again. "Edward, marriage is like a tense, unfunny episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."

I laughed at the idea. Shit, I thought Everybody Loves Raymond was funny as fuck but decided not to bring it up again.

"So, is that a yes?" I asked.

Emmett popped his head over the top of the shelf. "That's a hell yes!"

After a long day, I dragged my ass home, only to find my Marvel collectable figurines melted in the kitchen sink.

_Game, set, match, Bella._

I threw the hunk of melted plastic in the trash, swallowing back the tears as I spied a blob of green that used to be The Incredible Hulk.

That night Bella and I sat at the Laundromat waiting for our clothes to finish in the washers. A woman with her child walked past me, grabbing the child's hand as they passed, shooting me a dirty look as she looked me up and down. I shrugged at her, waving to the little boy as she ushered him out of the laundromat. I caught my reflection in the darkened front window, yeah, bitchy lady had a point, Bella and I looked like a couple of freaks.

We were trying to save as much money as possible and had expended every item of clothing in our wardrobes before doing the washing again. My last vestiges of clothes consisted of a pair of tight, flared brown dress pants that I bought once for a dress up party, and a white t-shirt that was about two sizes too small - with a picture of Ghostbusters on it.

Bella sat over by the window, flipping through some old magazines as I took my Transformers sheets out of the machine and dumped them into the drier. "Hey, you wanna give me a hand here, you lazy bitch?

Bella threw the magazine down and stomped over to me, wearing the last pair of my cotton boxers and a blue sparkly top. "Having trouble getting the cum stains out of your sheets again, Cullen?"

I turned the knob on the drier. "Hey, at least my sheets are getting some action, Swan. When was the last time you fucked something with a pulse?"

"Fuck you, asstard. Skanky hooker vag doesn't count." Bella stood with her hands on her hips, a blush spreading up her cheeks and down her chest - her smooth, delicate, soft looking chest. How had I never noticed Bella's awesome rack before?

Bella snapped her fingers in front of my face. "The sparkling intellect and witty conversation are up here, pervert."

My eyes snapped back up to hers. Oh no! I got busted ogling my best friends rack! What the fuck was going on?

"So, anyway," I continued, ignoring the fact I was at half mast under the ridiculously tight pants, "I was thinking about dropping by Many Happy Returns and grabbing a DVD on the way home."

Bella pulled a pile of clothes out of the drier and threw them into a basket. "We have no electricity remember? No TV?"

I flicked a pair of underwear at her, which hit her right on the forehead and bounced into the basket at her feet. "We can watch it on my laptop."

After folding our laundry and piling into our laundry bags, we walked a few doors down to our local video rental store: Many Happy Returns.

"What about 'Attack of the Killer Tomatoes'?" Bella asked, flipping the DVD over in her hands.

I glared at her over the top of the DVD racks. "You have the worst taste in movies, Bella."

"What?" she argued. "I heard it was good. Look, the Daily Pantagraph gave it three stars!"

I plucked the DVD out of her hand and placed it back on the shelf, shaking my head. "No."

Bella huffed loudly, dragging her laundry bag behind her across the carpet of the store. I returned to perusing the Sci-Fi section, trying to decide between the Anime greatness that was 'Akira', and the classic badass-ness of 'Blade Runner' when suddenly Bella was beside me. "Hey, I got an idea," she whispered, grabbing my hand.

I followed her to the back of the store, watching as she pulled aside the black curtain that separated the adult section from the rest of the store. "Bella!" I said, the high pitched squeak in my voice giving away my hesitance.

"For the love of Nutella, Edward. You're going to be watching people fuck in front of you. Daily. You're going to have to learn to loosen up a little!"

I glanced around at the empty store before ducking through the curtain and into the little room of porn. My palms immediately became sweaty, and my heart beat picked up as Bella and I looked around the room.

"What about this one?" Bella asked, holding up a copy of 'Forrest Hump'.

"Not a Tom Hanks fan," I replied.

I picked up a copy of 'Need for Seed 3'. "Damnit, I wish I'd thought of that one," I muttered to myself.

"Actually, that one's complete B.S.," came a voice from beside me. I spun around to see Carlisle, the store worker standing beside me.

I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants before offering it to him, "H...hey, Carlisle. What's up?"

Carlisle shrugged, "Nothin', man. Just wasting time at this piece of shit job before I can go home. You guys looking for some bedtime entertainment?" he asked, gesturing between Bella and I.

Bella sidled up behind him, giggling. "Oh, Carlisle, you're so funny! Edward and I are _so _not together."

She touched his arm as she laughed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. _Was she flirting?_

"Well," he said, taking the DVD from my hand and replacing it with another one, "this one is much better. The filming is better quality, the shots are more focused and not all over the place, and the camera work is much better."

Bella smiled at him, and I watched in horror as she trailed her finger up and down Carlisle's arm. "You know a whole lot about this filming stuff, Carlisle. Maybe...maybe we could catch up, and you could tell me all about it sometime."

My mouth dropped open. _Did she just bat her eyelashes?_ It looked like she had something in her eye, or like she was having a stroke.

Carlisle extracted his arm gently from Bella's hands, rubbing it as he held it close to his body. "Yeah, that sounds nice but, ah, Esme and I are still, you know...engaged."

I pulled Bella gently away from Carlisle. "Bella, you met Esme last Easter at Joe's, remember?"

Bella's face fell into an evil scowl. "Well, fuck! What does a woman need to do to get laid around here?"

Carlisle pushed his blonde hair off his face looking slightly uncomfortable, taking a small step away from Bella as she stood seething beside him.

"Hey, didn't you used to tape the Basketball games at school?" I asked, absently fiddling with the DVD in my hand.

Carlisle nodded, "Yeah. I only did it to get into a cheerleader's panties," he admitted, laughing.

"Which one?" I asked, perversely interested. I could only dream of getting cheerleader action in school.

Carlisle laughed, leaning against the shelves. "Whichever cheerleader wanted to fuck the guy who taped the Basketball games!"

My internal debate was raged. Would I ask if he wanted to film our adult movie and risk possible humiliation? What if he said "Fuck no! You guys are some sick motherfuckers!" Eh, I could find another DVD store.

"So, Carlisle, you still know how to work a camera?"

And so there we were, three days later holed up on mine and Bella's ratty old couch. Emmett, Bella and I were holding auditions for the leading male and female roles. For a porn movie.

Bella and I had decided that although we would be in the movie, the film probably needed other characters so it wasn't fifty minutes of the same people fucking over, and over. Hence the need for auditions. I really wasn't sure how many applicants we would get for the roles; it's not like you can post fliers around the neighborhood for something like that, but I was actually surprised. There were far more sexual deviants in town than I had originally thought.

Bella had put together a basic script for the actors to try out, and we were seated in our lounge as the first of the applicants started to arrive. Bella and I were jammed on either side of Emmett's huge frame; he sat eagerly, script in hand and bouncing up and down with excitement.

We began with the male roles, and guys in every shape and size came in. Old guys, bald guys, fat stinky guys, old, bald, fat, stinky guys!

"Bella, I know this is a low budget film, but this is ridiculous," I said, pointing to the worrying line-up in front of us.

Bella's head peeked forward from behind Emmett's massive bicep. "We'll do an American Idol type vote. Two yeses gets them through, ok?"

I looked down the line, and I could already see four 'no's' and an 'oh hell no'. "Fine." I mumbled as Emmett gestured for the first person to step forward and read the lines.

A tiny white-haired man stepped forward, shaking out a pair of thick rimmed glasses before slipping them on. "I need some glittering cock, and I need it now."

"Next!"

"Jerk my disco stick, and let me paint you white."

"No," Bella said, followed by a shake of the head from Emmett.

I shrugged at the guy, "And it's a no from me. Sorry, dude."

The three hundred pound bald guy frowned as he threw the script on the floor with a huff and stormed out.

"Next," Bella shouted.

At Bella's call a tall, lanky guy wearing a cowboy hat stepped forward.

"Name?" asked Emmett.

I flipped through his "resume" that he'd handed me. Well, it wasn't really a resume, but rather a list of the porn movies he liked and positions he'd tried. In his defense, his drawings were very detailed.

"Jasper Whitcock," he drawled with a thick southern accent. The three of us exploded into fits of laughter, and I had to grip the armrest of the couch to keep myself from falling off.

"Dude, that's an awesome porn name!" said Emmett, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"You mean I get to pick a porn star name?" Jasper asked, seemingly shocked. He tapped his finger on his chin, and I leant forward, exchanging puzzled looks with Bella.

"In that case," he said, "I want to be Jim Smith."

Well, you know what they say - artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Case in point - one Mr. Japer Whitcock.

"So…Jasper," I ask, "it says here you have a special talent. May I ask what that is?"

"Well, it's not so much of a talent, as kind of well….aw hell, I'll just how ya'll."

In the blink of an eye, Jasper had his pants around his ankles, boxers and all. Jesus, Joseph and Jedi! His cock was massive. I tried to look away, but it was hard; I mean, _it_ wasn't hard. It was hard to look away, that thing must have had its own gravitational pull. I could see both Emmett and Bella staring at it, their mouths open in shock. Emmett turned to me, his eyes still on the massive dick hanging there in front of him.

"Dude."

"Yeah," I answered.

"Duuuuude!" Emmett whispered back.

"Yes. Okay, Emmett. You can stop looking now! You too, Bella!" I said, waving my hands in front of her glazed over eyes. She turned to me, her eyes wide with fear.

"That…that won't fit in here," Bella said, pointing to her crotch.

Emmett clapped his hands together, smiling at Bella. "Well, Miss Bella, you better do some exercises, cos I'm making a decision as producer. Mr. Whitcock," Emmett said, standing and extending a hand to the still half naked Jasper, "you're hired!"

Jasper jumped up and down in happiness, his massive cock slapping loudly against his leg, making Bella flinch.

"So does that mean me and brown eyes get to fuck?" asked Jasper. "Cos, I'd love to take that cowgirl for a ride!"

"You know what?" I asked, my masculinity suddenly feeling a little threatened. "I could do the male lead. It's really only two scenes."

Emmett shrugged, "Whatever, dude. As long as Jasper and his monster sized cock are in it, we've got a hit on our hands!"

Bella stood up from the couch, heading for the kitchen. "Edward. A word please."

I followed her into our kitchen, leaning against the bench as she poured a glass of water and turned to me.

"Edward, seriously, there's no need to take the lead. I mean, I'm sure Jasper is up to it."

"B, I just want to do my part for the movie like everyone else. Jasper and his mutant cock will be fine in a supporting role."

Bella crossed her arms over her chest, and I had to look down at my feet in an attempt to not look at her tits. Again. "Yeah but, E, that means you'd get to fuck Lauren too. And I'd only be fucking you, and that doesn't seem fair."

"Fair? What the fuck fair! What are these fair trading beans? Fair for who?"

"Fair for everyone else who gets to fuck more than one person in this goddamn film," she said, stamping her foot.

"Did you just stamp your foot at me? Jesus, Bella! You think Jenna Jameson ever complains about not getting enough dick? Just calm the fuck down."

"Fine."

"Fine."

We walked back over to the lounge, and Bella flopped petulantly onto the couch as I approached Jasper. "You can pull your pants up now, man. I think we've all seen enough of your dick for one day. Thank you very much."

I waited for Jasper to button up his pants, watching as he threw a wink over to Bella, pointing his fingers like guns at her.

"Okay, okay. So, thank you, Jasper. You got the part."

Jasper took a seat at the end of the couch as we finished auditioning the rest of the males for the final supporting role. After a further two hours of mentally scarring auditions, we had our second supporting actor.

Mike Newton was camera perfect. He was studying acting, had done some theatre and his audition almost had Emmett in tears. Poor guy, he had no idea what was about to hit him - in the ass.

Emmett had insisted on auditioning the last female role alone, so Bella and I sat outside on the front step to watch the endless parade of women stream in and out of our house.

"What's taking that fucker so long?" whined Bella, rubbing her hands together in an attempt to keep them warm.

I grabbed her hands and put them between mine, blowing onto them to try and warm them a little. "You know he'll be taking full advantage of the situation, Bella. Hell, I'll bet he's even convinced a few of them to let him touch their tits."

Bella smiled as I rubbed the back of her hands lightly, keeping them warm. "He really is a perv," Bella said with a laugh. "I wonder what Rosalie would say if she caught him feeling up random porn star wannabes."

"Oh god, that woman would rip him a new asshole. And me. But, the evil bitch will never find out, and we'll make a killing. Everything will be fine!" I assured her.

"You sound pretty sure of yourself there, Cullen. What's changed your mind so quickly?"

I gave her hands a squeeze, resting them in my lap, still enclosed in mine. "I've never really seen the ambitious Bella Swan before," I said, pulling her jacket up higher around her face and pulling her into my side. "I like it I guess. It looks good on you. Makes me wanna do more, y'know? I want this to work."

Bella lifted her head a little, looking up at me from under my arm, and I pulled her in a little tighter. She nuzzled her head into my chest and then I may, or may not, have smelled her hair a little. It smelled like her coconut shampoo; it was nice.

Seconds later, the front door burst open almost hitting me in the back, and Emmett flung his arms outwards in an over the top gesture. "Ladies and Gentlefucks, we have the final member of our cast!"

Bella and I turned to look in the doorway, where a woman with long, sandy blonde hair stood, chewing a piece of chewing gum loudly.

Emmett turned and moved the woman forward, presenting her like she was a prize on The Price Is Right. "Bella, Edward, meet Toots."

* * *

**Thank you to everyone who I've ever known and to all the reviewers.**

**BUT, more importantly, if you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of myself, katie_winkles, you can read an outtake that I've written for Fics For Nashville (link below). I'm all the way over on the other side of the world and even i can see it's for a good cause.**

**So, if you want to know what Emmett has been up to - and you know you do - get over there and donate and read.**

**That is all.**

.


	6. Interview With a Vibrator

**A/N: Hello, all, it's shoefreak37 again. Sorry for the uber-long delay. Real-life was being sort of cunt-y. Hope you enjoy the chapter!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Edward and Bella or Zack and Miri. Fuck, still broke.**

**

* * *

**

_Bella, Edward, meet Toots._

"Toots?" I breathed, wondering what the fuck kind of name Toots was.

Emmett grinned like a dumbass and said, "She can blow a whistle...with her _snatch." _He rubbed his hands together like a fly that just landed on a fresh pile of cow shit.

But, holy fuck, did he honestly tell Edward and me that that chick could blow a whistle with her snatch? I had to see. That was all there was to it. I looked at the chick incredulously, wondering how the hell she had learned she _could _use that part of her body to blow a whistle. "Can I see?"

"Bella!" Edward reprimanded, elbowing me roughly in the ribs.

"What? Like we're not all going to see her hoo-ha eventually," I replied, rolling my eyes and then looking back at Toots. "Do you have a real name?"

"Jessica," she replied. "I don't mind sharing my skills either." She gestured towards the apartment and we all went back in. I have to admit, upon seeing Toots' talent, I was thoroughly impressed. I was so impressed, that I decided I would have to try it myself.

After everyone was gone and Edward and I had said goodnight, I laid awake until I heard Edward's breathing even out and his snoring start. I was so jazzed about everything coming together that I couldn't sleep. We had a novelty act, a huge cock, and a man and woman who were both willing to take it in the ass. Things were looking up.

Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to make use of my time, so I went into the kitchen with a flashlight sat down at the table with my notebook to hammer out the last details of the script. I worked on it until I was sure it was perfect, but after several hours passed, I knew I should be getting in bed. I was wide awake though. Sitting there in the dark living room, I started thinking of Edward. What would Edward do to make himself sleep? The answer was easy: cream his tater. So, I decided to butter my bean.

I slid my pajama pants and underwear over my hips and sat back down with my ass at the end of the kitchen chair, propping one foot on the seat across from me so my legs were spread. The kitchen was one of my favorite places to flick the skittle because there were so many props. Sanitary? Maybe not, but, fuck, I lived with Edward. Edward - the guy who leaves used condoms in the couch. Sanitation be damned, I liked to masturbate at the kitchen table.

Knowing exactly what to do to get myself off ASAP, I trailed my fingertips down my abdomen before I moved them down further. Teasing myself at the apex between my legs, I started off light before increasing pressure and speed. Sitting there all spread-eagle, with one hand knuckle deep and the other one getting down to business, I thought of Toots - Toots and her whistling pussy. I figured I had myself slick and worked up; what better time to insert foreign objects into my vagina? I felt it was the perfect time to give it a try, but did I have a whistle?

I stood up, giggling that I was shuffling around the kitchen naked from the waist down, and washed my hands (I might not be a sanitation freak, but I'm not disgusting, okay?). Looking through the drawers, I mumbled to myself, wondering why the hell I didn't keep whistles just lying around. Finally, I found something I could maybe use - an Air Heads Whistle Pop. I looked at the whistle lollipop, wondering how old it might be. I hadn't seen those things sold anywhere in ages, but I was pretty certain candy didn't expire. I shrugged my shoulders and unwrapped it.

Walking back over to my seat at the kitchen table, I gave it a good lick; it still tasted great and grape was my favorite flavor. I sat at the head of the kitchen table, propping my feet in the chairs next to me, once again spread-eagle. I couldn't help but giggle as I slid the tip of the whistle pop into my cooch. The lollipop was sticky, but I was slick, so it went in easily.

_Well, _I thought. _Now that it's in there, what do I do? _

I started concentrating on my vagina, whispering to it to suck in some air so it could blow; it didn't work. I concentrated and clenched my muscles around the whistle pop to no avail. How in the world could I get my snatch to blow a whistle?

After attempting for several minutes, I finally gave up, laughing out loud as I started to stand.

"Bella?" I heard a sleepy voice say, along with the sound of Edward's bedroom door opening. "Are you still up?" he whispered.

"Fuck," I mumbled, hurriedly wrapping the lollipop back up in the wrapper, throwing it in the drawer, and dressing hastily. "Uh, yeah, I was just...uh...working on the script."

Edward rounded the corner to the kitchen, rubbing his eyes, looking cuter than he had any right to after just waking up. "Damn, B, it's like two-thirty in the fucking morning. You know the cast is coming over tomorrow afternoon for a run-down of their parts. It'll be a busy day."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. That's why I was working on it. It has to be perfect so I can make the copies in the morning," I answered, fingers crossed behind my back. I hoped above all else that the kitchen didn't smell like sex.

"You crazy, perfectionist bitch. Get to bed," Edward said, pushing me towards the hallway.

I sighed, upset that, not only could I not get my vagina to whistle, but I hadn't even gotten off. What a waste. "Sure, sure. Night, Edward. Oh, don't forget to call about renting that building to shoot in while I'm making copies in the morning," I said. He nodded as I shuffled past him to my room. He was right about one thing, the next day would be busy.

I woke up five hours later, dressing with my eyes half closed. Gathering the script together, I mumbled a good morning to Edward who was already on the phone about renting a building. The place we were looking to rent was a piece of shit, but that didn't matter. We just needed a place with electricity for lighting. Walking towards the door, I was going to leave when Edward motioned for me to wait a minute.

"Okay, great. Okay, great. Yeah, okay. Thanks...bye," Edward said, hanging up the phone and turning towards me. "We have a place to shoot this flick!"

"Awe-fucking-some!" I exclaimed, rushing towards Edward and flinging my arms around him. He wasn't wearing a shirt. His nipples were hard. So were mine. It was strange. One of us needed to say something.

"This means we can start shooting, right?" Edward asked, abruptly ducking away from me and looking away.

"Yeah, absolutely...wait, we need to visit one of those adult stores and get supplies first. Maybe, we could do that tonight after we meet with the cast? We could start dress rehearsals tomorrow. I mean costumes are gonna be easy. Just regular clo-"

"Did you just say we need to visit a sex shop?"

"Um, yeah. We need vibrators and strap-ons and dildos and lubrication a-"

"Whoa! Whoa...can't you do that on your own?" Edward asked, arms outstretched, his fingers wiggling frantically.

"No. You have the money. I need your opinion."

"Bella..."

"Edward," I said, mimicking his whiny little baby voice. "You're going." What the fuck? Edward was acting like a girl again. I stared at him, fidgeting and running his fingers through his hair. Laughing, I repeated, "You're going," as I walked out the door.

By the time I got enough copies of the script and made my way back to the apartment, everyone had already gotten there. I kept having to stifle my happy giggles as I looked over the faces of the cast - the cast for _my _porno. It was really happening. I felt hopeful for the first time in ages.

Jasper, Toots, and Lauren sat on the couch. It looked like Jasper was telling them about how big his cock was, because they were both leaning into him as he held his hands up about twelves inches apart. Reading his lips, I could have sworn he said, "This big!" I chuckled.

Carlisle stood in the corner of the room, surreptitiously zooming in on Lauren'ts breasts and not so covertly readjusting himself in his pants. Engaged indeed.

Mike was talking to Emmett by the bookshelf, giving a monologue from Forrest Gump. Emmett was in tears again, weeping as he drank his beer. Edward had gone to the convenience store down the street to buy some more beer and a cooler so everyone could have drinks. We were waiting on him to get started with our meeting.

Finally, Edward entered the room with a cooler, opening it up and passing drinks to everyone that needed one. He took his place on the arm of the couch next to that skanky bitchface Lauren and I rolled my eyes.

Edward nodded at me to get started, and I took a long, deep breath.

"Okay, everybody," I said, calling the room to order. They all looked up at me expectantly and I swallowed down the sudden lump in my throat. "Can everybody see and hear me?"

"Oh, I see you, girl," Jasper said, making goggles around his eyes with his fingers, "and, whoa, I like what I see."

I rolled my eyes. Jasper was such a dumbass, but it wasn't half bad to be ogled by a hot guy that I knew to be packing some heat. I couldn't help but take a quick glance at his crotch, wondering where he kept that monster. Was it taped to his leg or something?

"Alright, let's get started," I began, pacing slowly back and forth in front of my audience. "As you all know, there are these vampire movies based on popular young adult novels that are all the rage right now. So, what better skin flick to make than one based off those, right? We're using the second movie and book in the series as our launching point, but you'll all see how, after the beginning, the plots vary greatly." I stopped speaking for a moment to make sure everyone was paying attention. Edward looked all squirmy and uncomfortable. Jasper had his elbows on his knees, leaning forward with rapt attention. The contrast was hilarious.

"The dreamy, god-like vampire, Bedward Pullen, will be played by Edward," I paused and nodded towards Edward who looked like he wanted to disappear. "He meets and falls in love with the beautiful Isabel Swallows, played by yours truly. But, there are others vying for Ms. Swallows affections. Namely, Assper Imphale, who will be played by you Jasper. Assper is Bedward's brother, also a vampire, and he wants to eat Isabel. He wants to eat her _hard._

"The rest of you play humans that want to be fucked by vampires. All the characters attend Fork Me University whose motto is, 'Where Sucking is a Good Thing." Toots, you play Jizzica Manly, the seemingly sweet and innocent co-ed with a wild fang-banging side. Mike, you'll play Dick Shootin, a loyal friend and avid athlete, but underneath it all you like to get just as much as you give," I finished as I passed out the copies of the script.

"What about me?" Lauren asked, a look of confusion across her features. I scowled at her. Fucking skank.

"Oh, yeah," I mumbled, throwing her script towards her so that she had to scramble to catch it. "You're playing this really slutty, easy, nasty girl who fucks anybody...Layhim Whorey."

Carefully watching everyone's faces for reactions as they read their scripts, I noticed Edward's brow was scrunched up and his face was getting pretty damn red. Pussy.

"Wait," Edward said, flipping through the pages. "This says I only fuck you." He looked up at me, confused.

"Well, yeah. You're character is totally and completely in love with my character. He wouldn't fuck anybody else," I explained. I guess he hadn't paid attention at all when I'd dragged him to see the fucking movie.

"But you're fucking me and Jasper..."

"My character is kind of slutty. I mean, in the movie she almost kissed that werewolf dude, and in the next book she kisses him hardcore. She would totally let Assper bone her."

"But, Bella, this is a debaucherous adaptation. Bedward could have all the poon he wanted! Didn't you see his awesome hair?"

Dammit, why was he being such a fucker? He'd already screwed that Lauren chick once; he must've been itching for another round. Fine. What the fuck ever. He was a grown ass man. I would let him fuck anybody and anything. It wouldn't bother me anyway - not at all.

"Sure, sure, Edward. I'll fix it to where you fuck everybody, okay? Happy?"

Edward nodded, jaw clenched.

"So, Assper fucks Isabel?" Jasper chimed in, the most slap happy grin lighting his face.

"Yes, Jasper," I answer lamely.

"So, I get to fuck you?"

"Those are our characters, so, yes, that means you'll be fucking me."

"Ah, man! I can't wait to get me two handfuls of that sweet, sweet behind..." Jasper started, clenching his fingers in mid-air, demonstrating the way he planned to squeeze my ass. I laughed out loud.

"Just go easy on me with that gargantuan cock of yours, okay?" I added.

"Absolutely, sugar dumplin', I'll go real slow and easy. I'll butter your butt and call you a biscuit..."

"Shut the fuck up, man," Edward snarled.

"Why the anger, bro? You get a piece too!" Jasper exclaimed, continuing to knead the air. Edward just shook his head and stood up.

"My mouth tastes like ass. I need some candy or something," Edward said, walking into the kitchen where I heard it rifling through drawers.

While he was in the kitchen, I took a few questions from the cast, explaining to them that they could bring their own clothing for costumes. Everyone was in agreement that we could start dress rehearsals the next day. Telling them each the address of the building Edward had rented, I heard Edward shuffle back into the living room.

Looking up, I noticed Edward had a familiar candy wrapper in his hand, an even more familiar candy in his mouth. It was the whistling lollipop.

The whistling lollipop that had been shoved in my snatch.

"Oh my fuck, Edward!" I shouted, waving at him in horror.

"What?" he asked, giving me the 'you're really fucking crazy' look. "Did you want this? Sorry, B. It tastes kinda funny anyway. I think it's old or something."

Jasper stood up and strode over to Edward, grabbing the lollipop from him and giving it a strong suck.

"Tastes like pussy," Jasper laughed, shoving the candy in his mouth and blowing the whistle.

All was quiet for a few seconds before everyone started chuckling, assuming Jasper just had pussy on the brain; I joined in nervously.

~oOo~

After all questions were answered, one lollipop eaten, and everyone had left, Edward and I made our way to the bad part of town to get some supplies - _adult _supplies.

We pulled up to the shop with big, flashing neons signs displaying 'XXX' and 'ADULT NOVELTIES' in bright pink letters. When I looked at Edward, I noticed his face was just as pink as those signs.

"Ready?" I asked. Edward fidgeted.

"Why don't you go on in and come get me when you're ready to buy?" he questioned, glancing at the signs and then back to me, a look of desperation on his face. It was just too fun to fuck with Edward.

"Edward, there are all kinds of creeps that go into places like this. You don't want me to be groped by some sweaty, old, bald guy do you?" I said, batting my eyelashes, knowing he would fall for the face.

Clenching his eyes and sighing, Edward nodded in acquiescence, opening his door and getting out. "I can't believe I'm going into this shithole."

"Believe it," I replied, looping my arm through his as I practically skipped to the entrance.

As soon as we entered, I was in awe. I had never in my life been surrounded by so many cock shaped devices. It was amazing. Squealing quietly, I squeezed Edward's arm. He looked back at me as though he might vomit any second.

I tugged him further inside, immediately making my way to the large assortment of strap-ons. The colors, shapes, and sizes were so varied that I immediately became overwhelmed.

"Edward," I started.

"No. Uh-uh. Do _not _ask my opinion on a strap-on cock."

"Fine. I'll find some help. Wait here," I replied indignantly. Edward started to protest, but I'd turned on my heel and walked away from him before he could say a word.

Without much difficulty, I found a sales associate. The chick had to be six feet tall. She had muscles the size of Edward and a mullet that would be the envy of any country singer from the eighties. Once I had found her, she seemed very willing to help.

I told her I needed help over in the strap-on section, and she looked me up and down. I suddenly stopped worrying about any sweaty, old, bald guys groping me and _started _worrying about that chick. She escorted me over to where Edward waited, arms firmly crossed over his chest, and she scowled upon realizing I wasn't alone.

"Are you using it on him?" the sales person asked, gesturing towards Edward with her thumb.

"_Hell, _no!" Edward interjected, although the woman had been talking to me. Edward puffed his chest out slightly, trying to look more manly or something. It didn't work, he just looked like a douche bag.

"No need to get defensive, pretty boy. You just look a little...ya know," she chuckled.

"No, I do not _know,_" he replied, his upset easy to discern. I knew I needed to diffuse the situation before Edward got us kicked out. That was the only sex shop with such a variety - fuck going anywhere else. I scanned the shelves around me, looking for something to distract him while I got the information I needed.

Then, I saw it.

"Edward! Hey, Edward," I shouted, grabbing his face with both hands and turning his head towards what I had seen. "Look!"

"Holy father of Skywalker," Edward blurted, walking towards the thing I had pointed out to him. "It's a motherfucking Darth Vader vibrator."

"Yes. Yes it is," I snorted, barely keeping the sarcasm from my voice. Edward looked as though he'd found the holy grail of all geekdom, which, in a way, he had.

"_The Darth Invader!_ Look! It says, 'Feel the Force'! And...and...here, it says, 'Do not under-estimate the AA power of the dark-slider'. How did I not know about this?" he questioned, looking towards me wide-eyed. "Did you know?"

"Edward, I can say, without doubt, that I did not know about that." I glanced at the sales person who was rolling her eyes the way I wanted to.

"We have to get this! It has realistic heavy-breathing action," he said, snatching the vibrator off the metal hanger.

In his excitement, Edward hadn't seen the penis-shaped candy necklace that someone had left hanging over _The Darth Invader. _He didn't realize that part of it was hung on the metal hanger that the toy had been placed on. With an audible snap, the elastic string holding the cock-shaped treats broke, and tiny dicks went flying everywhere, scattering across the floor. One of them even slapped Edward in the face, and he shouted several expletives while clutching the spot on his cheek it had struck; that had to sting.

The trip to the sex shop had turned out to be more entertaining than I could've dreamed.

"Fuck! Shit!" Edward screamed. "There are smiling penises everywhere. Those cheeky motherfuckers are laughing at me!"

Putting both hands over my mouth, I tried to keep from openly laughing at him, but it was impossible. With a loud snort, I broke into fits of laughter, doubling over in side-splitting pain. "Edward," I choked, trying to keep him calm.

"Shut up, B," he huffed, fishing his wallet from his pocket. "Here's my fucking debit card." Looking towards the sales person he continued. "Let her get whatever she wants, but I'm waiting outside where I won't be attacked by grinning candy dicks." Edward practically ran from the store, leaving me red-faced with tears streaming down my face. I took several deep breaths to compose myself.

"You know," the sales person said, "that guy is in the closet."

My laughter began anew.

* * *

**End notes: Review if you feel like it! **

**Also, I've helped to organize an awards site dedicated to vampfic called The Vampies! So, if you read any good fics that are all about our bloodsucking friends, nominate them! www(dot)twificpics(dot)com(slash)vampawards We're accepting nominations through June 27th.**


	7. Saturday Night Beaver

**Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.**

**Author's Note: As usual - a big thankyou to Lumedog7 for the amazing Beta wand she passes over our baby.**

**And to shoe; who puts up with my terrible grammer and my nonsensical ramblings and doesn't once complain or throw things at me. IFLY - no end.**

**Hope you guys enjoy...**

As if the Tighty Whitey's incident wasn't embarrassing enough, I got slapped in the face by a hoard of tiny dicks. I just knew the store workers would be watching that shit over and over on the cameras. Assholes.

The day after the shopping debacle, we decided to meet at the vacant building across town that we had secured for filming. It was the first time any of us had been there, but the agent had assured me that it had working electrics and running water, and that was all we needed.

Emmett pulled up outside the building and I looked down at the scrap of paper in my hands, checking the address against the numbers on the building.

"This looks like it." I said to Emmett and Bella.

Clambering out into the snow, we grabbed our bags and some of the equipment from the car and made our way up to the front doors.

Bella slipped the key into the lock and opened the door, and the smell of a thousand assholes assaulted all of our senses immediately.

"By the gods of all things unholy, what the fuck is that smell?" spluttered Emmett, his body convulsing with wretches and his mouth and nose covered with his hand.

"What the fuck, Edward!" Bella yelled, slapping me hard on the back of the head.

"What?" I said in astonishment. "You think the lady at the realtor said -'Yeah, it's cheap, it's got running water. But hey, it smells like an entire family took a dump in here?'" I glared at her, itching to return the slap across the back of the head. Nasty bitch.

"Look," I said, taking a tentative step inside, "it's nothing a bit of water can't fix. I'll call her and get her to send someone around, okay?"

Bella scowled at me, and I scowled back.

The trick with Bella was to stare directly into her eyes. She was like a cat; if you stared at her long enough, she always backed down.

Sure enough, seconds later she rolled her eyes and looked away. "Fine. Whatever."

I cupped my hand over my nose, because the place really did smell like ass.

"You guys...ugh...," Emmett choked, holding his stomach. "You guys go on in. I'll just stay out here."

"Pussy," Bella and I said in unison.

Feeling along the wall, I found the light switch and the large space in front of us lit up. "Hey!" I said, scanning the room. "Apart from the smell, it's really not that bad."

I turned back to face Bella who had zipped her hoodie up so that it covered her mouth, the draw strings pulled so tight that all I could see were her eyes. She nodded in agreement as she looked around.

I chuckled at her stupid ass and tugged on her drawstrings. "Come on, let's take a look around."

The rest of the crew arrived about an hour later, and thankfully the realtor did send someone around to clean the place up for us.

Mike, ever the professional, had spent most of the night sewing costumes for the cast, little extras that he said would give us that extra "pop" his word, not mine.

We worked out the scenes that we were going to run the next day. The first scene was for Jasper and Lauren, and Jasper, surprise, surprise, was really fucking excited about it.

"Well," he said, throwing an arm over Lauren's shoulder, "that just dills my pickle."

We all rolled our eyes at Jasper's lame ass southern sayings. Lauren just gave him a vacant stare back, the pickle euphemism obviously lost on her tiny little brain.

"Well, I'm super excited, Jasper. You know, you can stick it in my ass if you like. I kind of like it." Lauren babbled, toying with a piece of hair.

Carlisle's head snapped up from what he was doing and a stifling hush fell over the male population in the building.

"You do anal?" Jasper said, his eyebrows rising so far I thought they were going to slide off of his head.

Lauren nodded, throwing me a sly wink; like I knew. Hell, if I'd known she was a dirty hooker who took it in the ass, I would not have gone home with her.

That's a lie. I so would have; I would have just made sure no one found out.

Jasper cocked his head to the side. "I've always wanted to know somethin'. Is it true that a chick farts if you blast her in the ass?"

Lauren opened her mouth to answer, and I almost wanted to cover my ears; I wasn't really interested in knowing the answer to the question. But thankfully, Emmett stepped in, slapping Jasper on the back hard to snap him out of his anal induced rant. "Okay! Enough about your pickle and Lauren's ass already, I'm sure we'll all get a good look at both tomorrow."

We all took turns dressing into our costumes – most of them made up from other people's wardrobe or from the things Mike had made. They were looking pretty good so far, Bella had really put some thought into the design and costumes, and Mike had thankfully stayed away from glitter and sequins.

My outfit for most of the movie consisted of just a pair of black pants and a dark shirt. I slipped the shirt on and buttoned it up. I turned around in the mirror, checking my self out a little before I called for Mike, who had insisted that there was one more thing the costume needed.

Mike skipped over to me with a needle and thread in his mouth and a jar of something silver in his hand.

Mike took the lid off of the jar to reveal what looked like a clear paste with heaps of silver glitter shit in it.

He scooped a heap of it into his hand and turned to me. "Close your eyes. It will sting if it gets in your eyes, and don't eat it because i think this stuff is toxic."

I slapped his sparkle laden hand away from my face. "What the fuck? You are NOT putting that shit on my face!"

Mike giggled. "But it's your sparkle, Edward."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "My what?

"Haven't you seen the movie" he asked incredulously.

I shook my head. "Bella dragged me along last time, but I didn't really pay much attention. It's not really my thing - vampires and werewolves and all that bullshit."

Mike gasped, his hand on his chest in shock. "Oh my god, Edward. All vampires sparkle in the sunlight. Like diamonds."

"Well, it sounds a little gay to me. Who is this Bedward Pullen dude anyway? He's like 100 years old and still a virgin, who sparkles in the sun? He sounds like a fucking princess to me."

Mike huffed loudly as he put the lid back on the sparkles. "Fine. No sparkles this time. But i'll get them on you if it's the last thing I do."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Whatever."

Mike followed me out to the set that Emmett and Carlisle had spent hours building and painting in the back room of the video store Carlisle worked in.

To the right of the set was a long table that Bella had set up with all of the "tools" that we had bought the day before. I watched her unpack bag after bag of dildos, paddles and whips. Jesus! She had an entire arsenal of adult toys. I was about to go over and give Emmett and Carlisle a hand with the sets when I saw her bring one last thing out of the bag – The Darth Invader.

I watched as she removed it from its packaging, tossing the foam and cardboard over her shoulder.

"I can't believe you bought that!" I said, approaching from behind.

Still playing with the toy, Bella turned to me. "Of course! I thought maybe we could use this in our scene. Maybe make you feel a bit more comfortable?"

I had been trying not to think about my and Bella's scene. The two of us had been friends for so long, and lately, the thought of doing the no pants dance with Bella was becoming less and less scary and more...exciting?

I couldn't help the blush as I took the toy from Bella's hands, feeling its surprising weight in my hands.

"Fuck, Bella. This is really happening, isn't it?"

Bella smiled at me, gesturing to the scene around us. "Yes, Edward, my friend. This is really happening. "

I didn't have the nerve to tell her that I wasn't talking about the film itself, that I was referring to that fact that after 12 years of platonic friendship, we were going to bump uglies, get it on, torpedo the womp rat. I was going to go where other men had been before.

After a few hours of rehearsals and camera tests, everyone started to ready themselves to leave.

"Okay, guys," called Bella, clapping her hands together. "Thank you so much for today, you all did amazing."

I stepped up beside her to address the rest of the crew. "Yeah, seriously, thank you. For the costumes, the sets, everything."

Bella smiled up at me, a glimmer in her eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time. "This is just the beginning you guys! We'll begin tomorrow with the first scenes and then who knows where this could take us! We could be doing sequels!"

Toots giggled and jumped up and down. "Yeah! 'The Twatlight Saga: Fuck Lips – All Head, All The Time'."

We all laughed loudly, except for Mike who kind of giggled.

"And then the final instalment," said Emmett. "The Twatlight Saga: Spanking Dawn."

A fresh round of applause and laughter broke out, and we all threw stupid names back and forth for a while before everyone started to leave.

"What do you feel like to eat?" I asked, fishing my wallet from the back of my jeans.

Bella licked her lips and smacked them together. "Mmmm, Thai?"

I opened my wallet and a single twenty dollar bill stared back at me. I grimaced. "Errrr, how about something less expensive?" I said, showing the content of my bare wallet to Bella.

"OK. Well, what about Chuck E Cheese?"

I helped her into her jacket and threw her scarf around her neck. "Really? I fucking hate that place."

"Please?" Bella whined, "I haven't been there in years!"

"Yes," I argued, "That's because you are no longer seven years old, and that huge mouse thing creeps you out, remember?"

Bella shrugged. "We'll just get something delivered then."

We stopped at the front door, taking a look back at the sets and equipment. Bella squeezed my hand tightly.

"Thank you," she said quietly, her nose already turning a cute shade of pink as the cold air rushed in the open door.

"What for?"

"For saying yes. And for being my best friend. And for just being awesome."

I gave her hand a gentle squeeze back. "It's nothing, really. Like I said, I like this side of you. You've really come into your own lately."

Bella shut off the lights and I closed the doors, locking them securely.

"Speaking of coming into things," said Bella, "you ready for this, Cullen?"

"Ready for what?" I said, chuckling at her bluntness.

"Ready to find out what it's like to get all up in this." replied Bella, gesturing to her body with her hands.

I laughed loudly. "Sure, sure, Swan. As if you haven't always wanted a piece of me - a piece of the supreme awesomeness that is Edward Cullen."

Bella made a snorting noise and rolled her eyes.

We quietly strolled down the streets towards the bus stop and took a seat in the shelter as we waited for the next bus to arrive.

"Just promise me one thing," Bella said with a serious look on her face.

"Anything."

"Don't let this make things weird, okay?"

I nodded, pushing her shoulder lightly with mine. "Sure. It's just business, right?"

Bella nodded in agreement.

"Anyway," I continued, trying to lighten the mood. "There's no way you'll be able to stay away from me once you've had a taste of the ol' Cullen magic."

"Ha! As if you have any idea what you're doing down there. Just a hint," she said, lowering her voice and leaning in a little closer, "the clitoris _does_ exist, and it's not in the ass."

I slapped my head in mock disbelief. "Shit! That's what I've been doing wrong all these years!"  
We both laughed for a moment, the air filling with steam as our warm breaths mingled with the cold air.

"Just make sure you ham it up a bit though. You know? Make me look good."

"Oh, dude. I'm going to get all Angelina Jolie on that shit. People will be giving me an Oscar for my role."

We joked around all the way home, poking fun at each other like always.

By the time we got home we were both spent, simply ordering a pizza and sitting on the couch in front of our make-shift open fire, eventually falling asleep.

oooOOOooo

Something warm was pressing against me, and it smelled like honey and summer and - pizza? I nestled into the warmth a little more, bringing it closer and taking a big deep breath. Something about the smell was familiar, but I couldn't place it.

I could feel the torpedo reacting to the smell, and in moments my morning fat was at full mast. A gentle movement from above me sent shivers all the way down my spine as it rubbed against my already hard dick. In response I shifted my hips up gently, which felt really fucking good.

Again the pressure on my dick appeared. _Hell_, I thought in my sleep induced stupor, _if this is a dream I'll take it!_

I pressed again, the awesome pressure causing me to get even harder.

Suddenly a harsh ringing ripped me from my deep sleep and I awoke suddenly, swinging my arms in search of the ringing device.

I sat up quickly, and Bella, who was apparently asleep on top of me, tumbled to the floor with a thud.

"What the fu...," she mumbled, rubbing her head.

I dug my phone out from beneath the couch cushions and flipped it open. My mind was still in a lust and sleep clouded state as I answered the ringing phone.

"H...Hello?" I said, clearing my sleep heavy throat.

"Is this Mr Cullen?"

I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, ignoring the huge bitch brow that Bella was giving me from the floor.

"Yes, this is Edward Cullen."

"Mr Cullen, this is Deputy Gerandy from Detroit Fire Department. I'm sorry to bother you so early, but there's been a fire at the building down here..."

I didn't even wait for him to finish the sentence. I snapped the phone shut and stood up quickly, searching for my shoes.

"Oh shit," Bella hissed, and I looked down to see my morning erection, inches away from Bella's face.

"Jesus!" I shouted, cupping myself gently and trying to tuck it away.

Suddenly it all sunk in.

Bella was lying on top of me. I was having a sex dream. I was rubbing myself, no, basically dry humping her with my morning wood.

I chanced a look down at her, and saw her blushing furiously. And then it dawned on me. She was having a sex dream too, and was actively participating in said sex dream as I was.

But I didn't have time to think about it, and thinking about it really didn't make the situation in my pants any easier to get rid of.

"Quick, get up," I shouted to Bella, half running, half limping in my aroused state to find my shoes. I stubbed my toe hard on the kitchen table and grabbing my foot, I hopped around the kitchen.

"FUCK!"

"What's wrong? What happened?" called Bella, still sitting on the floor.

"There's been a fire, Bella. Get the fuck up and put your goddamn clothes on."

Bella jumped up off the floor. "Where? Is everyone okay? Oh, god!"

I ran over to Bella, shaking her roughly. "Everyone is fine! For god sake woman put some clothes on! The fire was at the set. I don't know how bad. Just get your shit, and we'll call a cab."

Bella suddenly sprang into action, darting around the room and was ready in mere seconds for once. I called Emmett on the way, and he said he would call everyone else and meet us there.

We jumped in a cab and gave him the directions to the set. I prayed to god that the fireman was wrong, that he had the wrong building.

But I was wrong.

Bella and I stood and stared at the burned and charred remains of the building, the ashes still hissing and smouldering in the freezing morning air.

"How the fuck did this happen?" screeched Bella, her hands in her hair. I watched as Jasper put his pervy hand on Bella's back, patting her gently, trying to calm her. The urge to rip his hands off and shove them up his nostrils suddenly hit me, but I ignored it, settling for glaring at the back of his head.

Emmett looked close to tears as he turned to me, his huge body crashing into mine as he flung his arms around my shoulders. He had obviously jumped straight out of bed and come here, as he was still wearing a pair of blue flannel sleep pants with yellow ducks and a white t-shirt.

"Oh god." He sobbed loudly. "Thousands of dollars worth of filming equipment, gone."

I slapped his back in a completely manly and macho gesture as he gripped me tighter, burying his face into my shoulder. "I know, it sucks balls. But I'll pay you back somehow, Emmett. I promise."

Releasing me suddenly and grasping my shoulders, a somewhat frightened Emmett stared back at me, his face puffy and red from the tears. "It's not the money, Edward. Fuck! I can claim that shit on insurance somehow." He grabbed me by the face, his bear sized man-hands on my cheeks, shaking my violently. "What the fuck am I going to tell Rosalie?" he yelled.

As Emmett sobbed hysterically into my shoulder, I kept an eagle eye on Jasper and his wandering hands. To my utter disgust, they were both now on Bella, rubbing her shoulders in some sexed-up, nuts cowboy kind of twisted massage.

A paunch fireman waddled his way over to us, his yellow suit open to the waist, revealing a sweat stained wife beater underneath. "Are you guys the owners?" he asked, wiping his sweaty brow with a dirty handkerchief.

Emmett and I both shook our heads. "Nah, we were just renting the building," Emmett choked out, wiping the tears from his eyes.

"Well," the fireman continued. "You're welcome to sift through the remains if you like. There might be something in there worth salvaging. In fact..." He turned to face his colleagues who were resting by the side of the road.

"Hey, Brian!" he yelled. "Bring that thing you found over here!"

One of the firemen grabbed something pink from beside him and walked over to us, handing it to the chief. Dusting the object off, he turned and handed it to Emmett, who turned it over in his hands a few times, shaking his head. "What the fuck is it?" he asked, looking at me.

It was obviously rubber, and had been in some distinguishable shape at some point. But the heat of the fire had melted it into a pink blob with what looked like sparkles in it.

"Oh no!" cried Bella, running towards me, her hands reaching for the object in my gasp. "Mr. Sparkles!"

Grabbing the rubber mass, she cradled it in her hands, wiping it off lovingly.

Jasper sidled up behind her, making an obscene thrusting gesture with his hips as he neared. Again, the urge to smash something, preferably something attached to Jasper, flooded my brain. The force of denying my urge resulted in a flickering of my left eye.

"What is it, sweet thang?" he drawled.

"It's Mr. Sparkles," Bella said quietly, hugging the blackened rubbery mass to her chest.

"Who?" we all asked.

Bella blushed suddenly. "Myfavoritedildo..." she mumbled.

"What the shit did you just say?" said Emmett, his teary eyes suddenly becoming a little brighter at the mention of the word 'dildo'.

"He was my favourite okay?" Bella yelled. "He just got me, y'know? We used to spend rainy nights together and he got me through a lot of lonely nights."

As if the morning could not possibly go any worse, I was now pitching half a fucking tent, in the middle of the street, surrounded by all of my friends.

I pinched the skin between my eyebrows, willing my semi-boner to go down.

_Think of bad things, Edward. _I thought to myself.

_Emmett naked._

_Emmett naked covered in glitter pretending to be a vampire._

And that did it.

I stepped forward, eyeing Jasper as I put an arm over Bella's shoulder, rubbing her arm gently. "I'll buy you a new Mr. Sparkles if you like."

Bella looked up at me and her bottom lip did that little pouty thing that makes me want to suck on it a little bit. "Really?" she asked, as if giving me that look would get any other answer from me.

I nodded. "I promise."

Bella nodded solemnly. Anyone would think someone had just killed her kitten!

With nothing more we could do, we bundled into Carlisle's van and made our way over to Your Motherboard, just happy to get out of the snow.

Toots and Emmett busied themselves with the coffee machine as the rest of us sat in the staff office at work, the mood morose and generally just pissy.

"Edward," said Bella from the couch. "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but if we don't get an advance, or if we can't find some money somewhere, we're going to be out on our asses."

I sighed in frustration, gripping my hair with my fingers. "I already got an advance, it went into the deposit for the building."

Bella's shoulders slumped as she cradled the coffee between her hands. "Oh."

"Aww darlin'," drawled Jasper from beside her, putting a hand on her thigh.

I watched from the corner of my eye as he rubbed said hand up and down her thigh, in what I'm sure was supposed to be a friendly, soothing manner. But in actuality was a creepy, sleazy, I-want-to-break-every-finger-on-his-hands move.

"Don't be sad, pumpkin pie. Dang it, ya'll know if I had any money I'd be helpin' out. Maybe, I could help out in some other way. You know, I'm always here if you need a shoulder to rest that pretty little head of yours on."

I swallowed the bile that made its way up my throat and into my mouth. "Well, thank you anyway, Jasper. If you're needed, we'll be sure to give you a call."

"So, all our money is gone, we have nowhere to film, no costumes and no equipment. Simply put, were fucked."

The whole group agreed with a collective groan.

Emmett sat on the arm of the couch, shaking his head. Watching him worry made me feel really bad for even getting him into the situation to begin with. He had already spent a few nights last week here in the loft after a fight with Rosalie. And if she found out about this, he might as well move his shit in here and look into witness protection, because that woman was going to lose her shit.

In fact, I was beginning to think that maybe I should look into possible identity changes for both myself and Bella, who knows what Rosalie could do.

"I just wanted to see some titties," he whispered.

"Look," said Carlisle, taking a seat on the desk next to Emmett and patting him on the back. "I still have the camera. Why don't we just find another place to shoot and start again?"

Bella sighed. "Because we have no sets, no costumes, no equipment and no money to buy any of those things. I know this was supposed to be low budget, but seriously, shooting people fucking in our rented apartment with no hot water or electricity is shitty, even for us."

It broke my fucking heart to see Bella so unhappy, to see everyone so unhappy.

Jasper was still rubbing Bella's back, and I could see her getting more and more frustrated and pissy with every stroke.

Suddenly, she snapped. "I swear to whatever you fucking cowboys pray to, if you don't stop rubbing my back, I'm going to yank your sack off like a piece of paper towel. Got it?"

Jasper's eyes widened, and he carefully removed his hand from her back and put it in his lap.

I wracked my brain, trying to think of something, _anything_, I could do to help. I don't know what possessed us to do it in the first place. What the fuck made me think I could do something as easy as film people fucking? We had no money, no food and soon enough would have no place to live.

I had to just come terms with the fact that I might have to move back in with my fucking Aunt and Uncle. And poor Emmett, he'd be living in this fucking place. But, still he was better off than we were, at least this place had water, heat, electricity...

And then it hit me. Like a goddamn freight train.

I ran through the office door and swept my eyes over the front of the store, taking in all of the shop itself was filled with tons of flat surfaces, the lighting was bright and the room was large and well equipped with electrical outlets.

"Edward?" called Bella.

I ignored her calls and ran up the back stairs and into the living area that Emmett had set up there.

"He's lost his tiny fucking mind." I heard someone say downstairs.

The room upstairs had a bed and was big enough to fit a camera. The place was neat and tidy enough that sets weren't needed. We had electricity for lighting, heating even!

I ran back down the stairs, taking them two at a time.

I grabbed Bella and hugged her tight, swinging her around.

"Whf fth fck" she said, her face stuffed into my chest.

"I'm a mother fucking genius, that's what!"

I put Bella down and began pacing around the room, more and more ideas flooding into my head. "I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier!"

"What?" asked Carlise.

I ran my hands through my hair. "It's perfect. We have everything we need. We'll just tweak the script a little here and there," I muttered to myself.

"What is it, Edward?" asked Toots.

"God, I am the man! It's so perfect."

"WHAT!" screamed the entire room.

I stopped pacing and spun around. "We'll shoot the movie here!" I said, gesturing to the store around us.

"Oh, no, no, no, no!" said Emmett, waving his hands around. "You're not filming a fuck movie here. What about my customers?"

I shook my head. "No, you idiot. We'll do it when it's closed! We have everything we need. Costumes will just have to be whatever we can find. Shit, I can't think of the amount of stories I have from this place!"

"You've never gotten laid here," interrupted Bella.

I frowned at her. "Yes, thank you for reminding me, Bella. I wish I had."

Bella came to stand beside me, the gleam in her eye returning. "Do you really think we could do it here?"

I looked at Emmett, whose eyes widened as both Bella and I put our best puppy dog eyes on for him, silently begging him to say yes.

The room was silent for what felt like an eternity. It was so quiet I'm pretty sure I heard Jasper fart from across the room.

"Fine," Emmett finally said. "You can film here. But I want a mother fucking role in this goddamn movie. Nothing involving sex, but I want a fucking costume mother fuckers."

"Fine," both Bella and I said.

I turned to the rest of the cast. "You guys go on home. Give Bella and I the rest of the day to hammer out the script. And we'll see you back here tonight at ten."

Everyone left happy, excited and ready to start the shoot that night.

The movie was still on. And I was the mother fucking hero.

* * *

**I know! I know! You're all practically salivating for some smut. You dirty things you! It's coming (pun intended). Promise.**

**Seriously, thank you to Shoe. If you haven't read any of her stuff you are missing out BIG TIME. Get over to her profile and read, read, read. Tell her I sent you - I might get a sticker!**

**Also - last thing, I promise. The outtake that I wrote for FFN will be posted at the end of next month, so don't forget to keep an eye out for that :)**

**Who's excited about Eclipse? MEEEE**


	8. Outtake  I Love The Movies

Hello all! I know it's been a while since the last update, and we KNOW you're waiting patiently for some E/B porn, and it's coming, believe us. But, unfortunately there is a little thing called RL (I know, right? Who knew?) And it's rearing it's ugly head and throwing a hissy fit right now, which means there IS another update on it's way, it may just take some time. You can't force the crack.

So - in an effort to abate the hungry masses - or small groups anyway- here is an outtake that Miss Winkles wrote for Fics for Nashville. It's just a little peek inside Emmett's mind, and will give you a clue into why he does some of things things he does, and will in future...

Enjoy.

ooOOOooo

I gotta be honest. When Edward came to me at work last week asking if I would finance his and Bella's homemade porn, my first thought was that he had been using the smelting gun again, and the fumes had gone to his head. But the kid was serious, and I could totally see he was packin' shit, because his hands were all sweaty, and he kept pushing his glasses up higher on his face. But then he kinda talked me into it - that dickwad always talked me into doing things I just knew I was going to get my ass kicked for.

When I got the chance to really think about it, it was a win-win situation. I would get my money back, plus extra from the profit. And most importantly, I would get to check out titties as part of my job description. Because until now, the job title of Computer Technician had never gotten me any play with the ladies. What more could a guy ask for?

So, I agreed.

Pssht! Edward made some bitchy comment about Rosalie, but I was one sneaky motherfucker, so Rose would never find out. I had it all planned, I'd use the business card for the cash and Rosalie would never see it!

Easy fucking peasy.

The morning of the auditions, I was so goddamn excited I was sure Rose knew something was up. And after seeing her in the kitchen, cooking me breakfast in her tiny little sleep shorts, something definitely _was_ up – the ankle spanker.

Rosalie and I had been married for a while; don't ask me how long, it's just been a while, okay? We met in high school and she was the love of my life - the Princess Leia to my Han Solo, the Jean Grey to my Wolverine, the Daphne to my Freddie, whatever, you get the picture. I loved that woman like no other. And damned if she didn't still look as good as she did the day we met – better, actually.

I couldn't help myself as I walked up behind her quietly, grabbing a good handful of her tight little ass.

She let out a loud yelp. "What the fuck?" she screamed, turning and slapping me on the forehead with the spatula. "Emmett you sneaky fucker, don't sneak up on me like that. Next time, you'll get a spatula to the balls, and by spatula, I mean my knee. Got it?"

She turned back around to finish cooking breakfast, and I slunk back to the kitchen table.

I loved her, but damn, the woman was a bitch. You really had to pick your moments with Rose, and apparently this morning was not the moment to be trying for some early morning kitchen lovin'.

My stomach groaned loudly as the smell of hot pancakes hit my nostrils.

"What time did you get to bed last night?" she asked, piling four hot pancakes onto a plate.

My mouth watered as she poured the syrup over the top of the stack, the honey colored liquid dripping down the sides and pooling around the bottom of the plate.

I rubbed my hands together as she made her way over to me, pancakes in hand. "Um, I don't know. Midnight?"

"Midnight?" she said, stopping in the centre of the kitchen. "You're telling me, you sat up until midnight playing that fucking World of Spaceships game?"

My hands reached out for the plate, grasping at the thin air as Rose held the plate just out of my reach. "It's called World of Warcraft, Rose."

Rose scowled at me, but put the plate down on the table in front of me. I cut a huge chunk off and shoved into my mouth. Hot damn my woman made a mean pancake.

"I totally 5 capped AB in under two minutes, and fucking owned this nube and made it to level 70," I said as I shoveled another forkful of delicious pancake goodness into my mouth. "Edward's gonna be so pisse; he's only level a 65!"

Rose shook her head at me, "You are such a loser, Emmett McCarty, and you're spitting crumbs all over the table. Put your dish in the sink before you go. I'm going to take a shower before work."

I grinned suggestively at her, my mouth full of smooshed up pancake. "You want me to join you?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes and turned back to the bathroom. "I'll see you after work, Emmett."

I finished my pancakes and went about my normal morning routine, leaving for work at my usual time so that I didn't tip Rose off. See? Sneaky as fuck.

I didn't tell Rose that I had someone looking after the store that day. A computer repair shop is not really the place to be holding porn star auditions, and with my best staff member, Edward, somewhat unavailable also, I had one of the casual staff take over for the afternoon.

I happily sat through the male auditions and only had to pull rank once, because man, that Jasper and his super-sized wang just had to be in the picture.

Edward and Bella had some lover's quarrel before they finally agreed. And then finally, I kicked them outside so that I could audition in peace.

I got the script out and sat myself on the lounge again, ready and waiting. Suddenly, I was really nervous; my hands were shaking and I could feel my throat constricting slightly. I loosened my shirt collar a little as I called for the first actress, watching as the front door opened, and a skinny girl with black hair entered.

She was okay looking, I suppose. She had straight black hair, kind of a wonky nose, and maybe a little too skinny for my liking; but she was still alright looking if that's what you're into.

"Hi. My name's Emmett, and I'm the producer," I said, shaking her hand, hoping to god she didn't notice my sweaty palms.

The dark haired woman nodded as she shook my hand. "Susan."

I flopped back onto the couch as Susan stood in front of me, hands on her hips. "So, I just need to, y'know, check you out. I mean, not check you out like in a dirty way. You don't have to worry, I'm not gonna touch you or nothing like that."

She tapped her foot impatiently.

Geez, what was wrong with me? I was getting all Edward and my palms were sweating like nun in a whorehouse. Why was I so nervous? I'd been to a strip joint before; I'd seen heaps of titties, so this was nothing out of the ordinary. There was something about being in a room, just me and a potentially naked woman, which scared the living fuck out of me.

"I'm gonna be honest - this is my first time." I stuttered. Yeah, me, Emmett fucking McCarty, stuttered. "Just so you know, I have a wife. I love her very much. We've been married for ten years come August."

"All right," she said, her brow creasing. I think she was starting to get pissy at my crazed ranting.

"We're happy. I mean, we're not Brady Bunch happy, but it's cool, you know."

"Mmm hmm."

"Just so you know, there will be some fucking. I mean, not...oh, shit no, we won't be fucking.

There'll be fucking in the movie. Like I said, I got a wife. She don't play that shit- she's a crazy bitch."

She nodded her head again, "Well, it's a porn, so I figured as much."

"Oh yeah, well um…"

And then, before I knew it, she had whipped her dress off and was standing there, naked as the day she was born.

"Huh."

"So?" she asked, gesturing to her body

I didn't know where to look. It was the same, but so different, so _not_ Rosalie. Her boobs were all wrong, they didn't have the little perk that Rosie's still had, and the little birth mark just underneath the left one that I liked to suck on sometimes. And her hips were too skinny, I could see her bones sticking out and shit - I liked the softness of Rose's hips, the curve of her waist.

I turned to face the wall, gesturing to the pile of clothing on the floor at the woman's feet. "You can put your dress back on, thank you. Someone will call you."

As soon as she closed the door behind her I jumped out of the seat and ran to the kitchen to splash some water on my face, slapping myself a few times for good measure.

"Come on man, don't be a pussy. Be professional."

I took a few deep breaths and shook my head a few times. "Okay. They're counting on you Emmett, get out there and look at some titties!" I slapped myself on the chest hard before I sat down again, calling for the next girl.

An hour and four women later, I was feeling a little better. My heart rate had almost slowed to a healthy rate, and I wasn't as on edge as I was earlier. I made a mental note to call the poor girl I practically shoved out of the door, to apologize.

With one more girl on the list, I made myself comfortable and called her in.

This one was a little taller, with long dark blonde hair that was all crazy, messy curls everywhere. She was kind of freckly but had huge blue eyes that were kind of pretty.

"Hey, I'm Jessica. But everyone calls me Toots."

"Hey, Jessica - I mean, Toots. I'm Emmett, and I'm the producer."

"Cool," she said, taking a seat on the chair beside me.

I was already much more relaxe;, my heart didn't feel like it was going to jump out of my chest and bitch slap me anymore, and my palms were bone dry.

"Well, Jessica. It's my job as the producer to see what you got."

"Okay."

Jessica jumped up from her seat and shimmied her panties down off her hips, leaving her skirt on.

"You know, uh, if this makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to show me anything you don't wanna show me, because..."

_Holy moly Batman!_

I decided to focus on her face rather than her cooter, which was now looking me straight in the eye as she leaned back. But when she leant forward a little, and stuck a whistle in there, I couldn't help but look. I mean, she put it right in there!

Jessica smiled, and took a deep breath. "I learned this from a friend who used to get her beaver to smoke a cigarette. It's great for stag parties; they always seem to get a kick out of this kinda stuff."

My mouth opened and shut like a fish, and I managed a weak nod as I watched. A second later, it whistled; she made it whistle! She made the silver shiny whistle in her snatch whistle!

After a rousing rendition of 'Funky Town', I stood up and clapped, giving her a hand up as she stood to put her underwear back on.

"So, a movie, huh?" she asked, pulling her skirt down, "That could be fun."

"Jessica," I said, throwing an arm over her shoulder, "it's going to be awesome!"

Jessica and I sat for a few minutes discussing the finer details, and when she was finally happy, I introduced her to Edward and Bella, who both seemed as amazed at her party trick as I was.

It was almost five in the afternoon by the time Jessica left, which meant closing time at the store. "Okay, fuckers, I gotta be back at work before Rosalie gets there. Edward, I'll see you tomorrow at nine?" Edward nodded at me as he stacked the fire barrel in their living room with more paper. Sorry ass fuckers, really did need the money.

"And, Bella," I said, picking her up and spinning her around in a circle, "I'll catch you and your fine ass in a few days when we have rehearsals, yeah?"

Bella laughed, but Edward grabbed my arm from beside me. "Put her down, you oversized action figure."

I rolled my eyes at Bella, who just smiled at me. I plopped her back onto the floor beside Edward. "Alright, anal Annie, don't get your tighty whities in a twist!"

Edward shot Bella glare. "You said you wouldn't tell Emmett. Jesus, Bella, anyone but frickin' Emmett!"

I smiled my biggest smile at Edward. "Oh, you didn't want everyone to know? Shit. Well, I'd better get rid of those fliers I posted up everywhere with your pasty white ass on them!"

"Ha, ha," Edward said morosely.

I waved goodbye and jumped into my truck, making my way back to work in record time. Just as I pulled up to the curb, Rosalie's red convertible pulled up behind me.

"Oh, shit."

I jumped out of my truck and opened the car door for her as she stepped out.

"Where have you been?" she asked. "I finished early and came by to see you, but you weren't here."

I gulped hard. _Think, man, think!_

"Oh, yeah, I had to go and organize your present. I wanted to keep it a surprise."

Rose's face softened. "A present? What for?"

"Does a man need a reason to buy his hot-ass wifey a present?"

"I guess not," she conceded, still sounding a little suspicious. I leant down to give her a quick kiss, and she grabbed my head, pulling it to hers roughly.

"I fucking love surprises," she whispered before kissing me forcefully in the middle of the street, cars whizzing by us, honking their horns as she grabbed my ass tightly.

She pulled away, leaving me gasping and my head spinning. "I tell you what. You finish up here and come on home. Maybe I'll have a surprise waiting for you." She raised her perfect fucking eyebrow, her amazing blue eyes sparkling at me in the late afternoon sun.

"You got a fucking deal!"

She winked at me once and strolled back over to her car, flipping the bird to a driver as his horn blared.

I watched her pull away from the curb and then ran faster than a man on fire into Your Motherboard. I basically threw Henry, my casual worker, out the door and tossed the days takings into the safe, not bothering to count it.

Who on earth would stand around counting money, when there is a fine ass woman at home, waiting to have her castle stormed? No one, that's who.

I locked up and drove like a mad man home, my dick already straining in my pants; I'm pretty sure that if it could, it would have jumped out of my pants and run the rest of the way.

I threw my car into park in the drive way and sat there for a moment, collecting myself, mostly just taking a breather so I didn't come in my pants the minute I walked in the door.

I strolled leisurely up the drive way, finding the door already unlocked when I arrived. I loosened my tie, pulling it off my neck and undoing the top buttons of my shirt as I walked into the house, locking the door behind me.

"Rosie?" I called, pulling off my shoes and tossing them aside.

No answer, hmmm.

"Oh Rooooosieee," I called, untucking my shirt from my pants and unbuckling my belt.

I walked down the carpeted hallway towards our bedroom, noticing the light filtering out from underneath the door.

I couldn't help the jaw breaking grin that almost split my cheeks, knowing that on the other side of that door my wife was waiting for me.

I quickly pulled my pants off, almost losing my footing in the hallway as my feet became tangled in my pants.

In just my boxers and shirt I knocked on the bedroom door, before opening it slowly, revealing…_oh for the love of all things comic._

The Silk Spectre.

Not the real Silk Spectre, obviously, because she is a fictional character. Unless of course you count Malin Ackerman in the Watchmen movie, who is super fine.

But, I digress.

What stood before me was better than every comic in the entire world.

My Rose, head to toe in black and yellow latex.

Her long blonde hair was covered with a brown, straight wig that fell almost to her ass and she stood at the end of the bed with one of her long slender legs propped up. The outfit was skin tight, the tiny yellow shorts only just covered her ass cheeks and her tits were zipped in so tight that the zipper looked like it was straining to keep them in. Her boots reached all the way up to her thighs and were attached to the bottom of her shorts somehow, but who cares, because damned if she wasn't keeping those babies on!

"Hello, lover," she purred.

I gulped as she produced a long, thin riding crop from behind her back.

She cocked her head to one side as she lowered her leg and walked towards me, the crop snapping loudly against her hand.

She stepped right up to me, her body pressed against mine. "Surprise," she whispered, her breath tickling my ear as she ran the crop up the inside of my leg.

A shiver ran up my spine and my cock twitched as she ran her tongue up the side of my neck, her lips closing around my lobe as she sucked gently.

"Oh, Mr. McCarty. The things I'm going to do to you."

"Go on," was all I could say, the lack of blood to my brain effectively rendering me a vegetable.

"First, I'm going to do this…"

Rosalie dropped from my vision and her hands wrapped around my hips as she sunk to her knees at my feet.

_Jesus.!_

Licking her lips she pulled my boxers down just enough to release my now throbbing dick. She looked up at me from beneath the heavy brown bangs of her wig and I almost lost my shit right then and there. Luckily for me I pulled it together as she took the head of my cock into her hot mouth, her tongue swirling around the tip expertly.

"Fuuuuuck," I groaned, my head banging against the wall.

Her fingers traced a path from my hips to my crotch, one coming up to cup my balls while the other wrapped around the base of my dick, moving rhythmically in time with her mouth.

Slowly, her pace began to quicken, and I had to try really fucking hard not to grab her head, because I knew she hated that. So I balled my fists up tightly, slamming them against the wall behind me.

Just as I could feel myself getting closer to coming she stopped, standing up straight again and grabbing me by the shirt and pulling me towards the bed.

"Lie down," she ordered.

Obligingly, I all but threw myself onto our bed, lying face up. I sat up onto my elbows as she ran the whip up my chest, flicking it lightly once on my shoulder.

"Take your shirt off."

I ripped the shirt from my back, tossing it aside.

She lifted a heeled foot and pressed the toes against my chest, pushing hard, forcing me to lie back.

Still clad in her latex suit, Rosalie crawled onto the bed, running her hands up my legs as she got closer, her fingers skimming lightly over my abs and up my chest. Her hair spilled out over my chest and I ran my finger down the front of her chest, pulling the zipper slowly, releasing her tits from the top.

Grabbing my hair roughly, she pulled my face to hers, our lips crashing together, our teeth knocking as she kissed me violently, her tongue insistent and wanton.

I ran my hands down her back, feeling the smooth expanse of latex that covered her ass.

Her lips travelled down my neck, nipping and sucking at the skin, her tongue tasting and licking.

I could feel her grinding against my hips lightly and I gripped her hips, pushing her into me harder.

She sat up so that she was now sitting directly on top of my aching cock, her hips moving backwards and forwards, teasing me.

"So…," she said seductively, raising her eyebrow.

"So?" I asked, tilting my hips up into hers.

She groaned loudly at the increased friction.

"Ungh. Don't fuck with me, Emmett."

I ran my hands up her legs, gripping her thighs tightly as she pressed harder.

"I don't know what you're talking about babe. But if you keep doing that I don't know how long I'm going to last."

Rosalie stopped her movements and rested the crop on my chest, the little leather strap sitting directly over my nipple.

"I'm talking about my surprise, Emmett. What's my surprise you were talking about?"

It took a moment to dawn on me, and when it did the blood left my cock pretty quickly.

The surprise!

The surprise that I told Rosalie I had for her.

The surprise that I _didn't_ have.

Oh shit. I was so epically fucked.

oooOOOooo

Cock blocked AGAIN! Sorry :)

So - the next chapter is on it's way. And we are both still giddy-happy at all the reviews and reads, so if you want to, keep them coming!

Wink & Shoe


	9. Pulp Friction

Hello again! Epic fail - this chapter isn't even late, it's beyond late. But it's here, and for those who are sticking around, we've rewarded you all with a little sumthin sumthin.

This chapter is dedicated to Shoe. Without her, I would just be another reader, too chicken sh** to post a thing. Without her I wouldn't have met the amazing people I have, and even embraced the man love! Also, my grammar would suck even more that it does, because she fixes my shit no end. I'd go on, but she knows the extent of my love, and I missed her SFM while she was away, and now I'm just grateful to have her back!

Anyway, more inane chatter after. Just enjoy :) Miss.W

* * *

**Disclaimer:** Stephanie Meyer owns the characters, we just fuck around with them until they are barely recognizable.

**Chapter Eight – Pulp Friction**

* * *

BPOV

It was past eight at night by the time the last customer left 'Your Motherboard', and then by the time everyone arrived and we set up, it was almost ten.

But fuck me if the place didn't look shit hot.

Emmett's office had been arranged to look something like a classroom, or the closest we could get to it anyway.

We even made football team and homecoming posters to make it look authentic.

Just the thought of high school made me shudder. It's not like I was some Dungeons and Dragons freak – that was Edward's thing, not mine. But looking back, Edward really was the only thing that kept my ass in school. I was far from the picture perfect scholar, and I sure as fuck wasn't the homecoming queen. That was Tanya Denali's bag.

I glanced over at Edward, who was testing the camera angles with Carlisle. I remember when I first met that kid, sweet baby Jesus that boy was one awkward teenager.

Poor Edward shot up much faster than most of the kids around us, which meant he was a good head taller than the other boys. But he just didn't get the chance to fill out like the others did, the words string - and bean - came to mind; he was one lanky ass mother fucker, all legs and arms.

And the hair? I shuddered at the memory. Like Kurt Cobain meets Carrot Top; it was not cool.

But he was Edward, the same stupid ass Edward who still slept in his Star Wars sheets, who always saved me two pieces of pizza, and who carried me to bed on his back every night. The very same Edward that was currently applying glitter to Jasper's man boob. My Edward.

My Edward?

Man boob?

I jumped out of my seat, grabbing the pot of glitter from Edward's hand. "Stop groping the help, Cullen," I joked, shoving him aside.

"I had it under control, B," groused Edward, wiping his sparkly fingers on his pants.

Damn, Jasper was one dumb son of a bitch, but fuck me if his chest wasn't toned as hell. "You missed a spot," I said, swiping the glitter over Jasper's nipple.

Edward scowled as Jasper giggled, swatting away my hand. "That tickles!"

With a final stink eye, Edward stomped away to finish dressing the set, mumbling incoherently under his breath.

Jasper shook his head, making a clucking noise with his mouth. "Sweet Louise, you are gonna get one hell of a spankin' tonight, missy."

"I've told you, Jasper, you're not my type. But, if you're still interested, I think Lauren has a half off deal this week, two for the price…"

"No, no," interrupted Jasper, "not me, you silly woman. Edward."

"Edward what?"

Jasper rolled his eyes like _I_ was the dumb one. "You," he said poking me in the chest, "and Edward."

"I've already told you, Edward and I aren't together. We're just friends," I said resuming my finger painting.

"Friends with benefits?" he asked, turning around so I could check his back.

"Nope. Just regular, no sex involved, he's seen me vomit and smelled my farts, friends."

"Why?" Jasper asked.

I opened my mouth to reply, but for the life of me couldn't think of a good reason. It's not like Edward was ugly, shit, he was far from ugly. And we liked each other, even loved each other in that platonic kind of way.

Why weren't we fucking?

"Look," said Jasper, taking the glitter pot from my hands and screwing the lid back on. "It's obvious that you're attracted to each other, hell, if you looked at me the way you look at him, you'd be riding this monster already," he admitted, pointing to his crotch.

He covered my mouth with his hand before I could sneak in a witty comeback.

"And," he continued, "that boy looks about as happy as a tick on a fat dog when you're around."

He released my mouth. "What's your point, Jasper?"

"There's no point. It's an observation darlin'. You two obviously got some crazy voodoo going on between you. Maybe you should think about it,

"Maybe _you _should think about it," I mumbled, snatching the glitter from his hand.

"Jasper!" called Carlisle from set, "we're ready when you are, big guy."

He chuckled quietly, patting my on the shoulder. "Well, looks like it's my time to shine," he said, adjusting his crotch before flouncing off towards the set. "Hey Mike, where's my lucky blue g-string?"

That stupid, redneck asshole planted a goddamn seed. And after that, the thought of me and Edward was like a little weed, working its way into my brain - a completely wrong, but also hot as fuck little weed.

But I had to squash that weed, nuke the little sucker before it got too carried away. It was Edward I was thinking about. I couldn't imagine things being awkward between us, or, fuck, if something happened and we couldn't be friends.

Edward was too important to me to let sex fuck things up between us. We'd just get it out of our systems once for the movie and move on. I would just have to have a chat with my vagina to make sure it knew it was a one time thing only, not to get too attached, as vaginas tend to do.

"Okay, positions, Jasper and Lauren," I heard Edward call from the office.

I walked up and stood behind Edward, who was behind Carlisle, who was behind the camera. Before I could even poke him like I had intended, he turned to me, a huge grin plastered on his face.

I couldn't help but smile back.

He tucked me under his arm, my favorite place to be, as we watched the scene play out in the office.

"We ready?" asked Edward.

The crew all gave the okay, and Carlisle turned the camera on. "Three...two...one...action."

Mike stood in front of the camera holding up a piece of paper. "The Twatlight Saga, New Poon. Scene one, take one."

Jasper was sitting at the desk, pretending to be writing, even though I knew he was probably just drawing dicks. He was just wearing a black, tight button up and jeans, but to be honest, even covered in silver glitter, he still looked kind of hot.

Wearing a tiny skirt that showed the bottom of her ass, Lauren sauntered onto screen, a stack of books pushed against her chest, shoving her already massive breasts up.

"Okay, Lauren. Drop the books," called Edward from beside me, using a rolled up piece of paper as a megaphone.

As she walked past Jasper's desk, she dropped her books, slapping on a god awful surprised face that makes her look even more like a blow up doll than normal.

"Oh gosh," she gushed. "I dropped my books."

From beside her, Jasper stood up and looked at the camera. "Here, let me get those for you," he said in what was probably the most wooden acting since Christensen in Star Wars.

"Okay, good. Jasper stop looking at the camera," Edward said. "Keep going."

Lauren flipped her hair over her shoulder as Jasper bent down to pick her books up. "Oh my," she said with a shake of her head. "You're so fast, and you're skin is icy cold and like, really pale."

"And I'm rock hard, baby. Like granite," Jasper boasted, very obviously trying not to look at the camera, but failing miserably.

"Ohh," swooned Lauren, touching his chest, "are you hard...everywhere?"

Jasper grabbed Lauren by the hips, and spun her around, pressing her back against his chest. "Why don't we find out?"

In one quick motion, Jasper had Lauren pinned against the desk, his hands running over her stomach as she turned in his arms to kiss him.

Suddenly the strains of Kenny Rogers 'Lady' filled the room. I turned to Emmett, who was standing by the CD player.

"I thought they needed some mood music," he insisted.

"Kenny Rogers, Emmett?" I asked in horror.

"It could be worse," Edward whispered to me. "He was going to play the Mario Kart Love Song."

I had to bury my head in Edward's shoulder to stop the laughter, but being in such close proximity to him had my thoughts from earlier come flooding back; that stupid seed would not stay dead!

He smelled really fucking good.

I didn't remember him smelling that great. I mean, I was practically under his am, and he smelled like the sun and clean linen or some shit like that.

When the fuck did that happen?

When did I give a shit what Edward smelled like?

In an attempt to clear my head, I moved out from under his arm to stand directly in front of him. But of course, thwarting all of my avoidance tactics, he put his arms around my shoulders, pulling me back into his chest, watching over my head. I turned to look up at him and he just smiled right on back with that crooked smirk that made my knees weak.

Stupid, gorgeous ass.

I turned back to the set, taking a gulp of fresh air, but it was too late. I could already feel the heat of lust in the pit of my stomach.

Jasper and Lauren were really going at it when I turned back. Her hands were in his hair as his hands slid up her front, palming her breasts firmly through her shirt before he ripped it open, the buttons flying all over.

The set was eerily quiet and I'm suddenly slap bang in the middle of the fucking hottest porn movie ever.

With a groan, Jasper's hands found her bare breasts, kneading and squeezing. Her hard, pink nipples rolling between his thumb and forefinger as she pressed her ass against his crotch, her hands behind her as she palmed him through his jeans.

Jasper's mouth moved slowly down her neck, sucking and licking as he moved his hand down her chest, between her tits, trailing a finger down her stomach.

I was acutely aware that I was still tucked under Edward's arms, and I could feel the heat of his body through his thin t-shirt against my back. There was almost like a buzzing around us, a quiet hum vibrating between us that made me want to shiver.

We watched as Jasper's hand slipped down the front of Lauren's skirt, causing her to bite her lip as she groaned, writhing against his hand.

"Jasper, take her skirt off," commands Edward and I can't help but notice his voice is kind of raspy, and it's so goddamn hot.

With a few flicks of his fingers, Jasper has Lauren's skirt pooled at her feet, and she's standing in front of him in nothing but a black lace thong.

"Your shirt too, Jasper."

I could feel his voice rumbling through his chest, authoritative and controlling.

Lauren turned in Jasper's arms, ripping the shirt from his jeans before she tore it open. Their kisses has started out slow, but were becoming more frantic as Jasper grabbed her ass, pressing her firmly to him and groaning as she kissed his neck.

By that time my body was on fire. I felt like the biggest perv in the world, but all I wanted was hands on me, somewhere, anywhere - mainly between my legs. I wanted strong, firm hands with long talented fingers - like the ones that were currently wrapped around my arms.

Edward's arms tightened around me a little, just enough to bring me a tiny bit closer to his body. I swallowed hard as his hand moved down my arm, his thumb rubbing small circles on my bare skin.

Jasper and Lauren continued grinding on each other relentlessly; honestly, I'm not sure why they were putting it off. It's not as if Lauren would suddenly turn him down.

_Just fuck her already!_

Carlisle moved the camera in closer as Jasper turned Lauren around again, pushing her upper body down over the desk, her ass in the air and her tits pressed against the desk top.

In a flash, Jasper's pants joined Lauren's skirt, and there was a hush as the monster cock broke free of its denim prison and thwacked against Lauren's ass loudly. She moaned as he took his cock and rubbed it slowly between her legs, and was like I was right there.

The heat between Edward and I had spread through my entire body and was pooling between my legs and I was literally throbbing I was so fucking turned on.

Lauren grabbed hold of the front of the desk as Jasper peeled her thong off, sliding it down her legs.

"You ready, darlin'?" he asked, rubbing himself along her folds, pressing the head of his cock against her clit.

"Uhhhn," she moaned. "Fuck me." And that's all Jasper needed as he slid himself into her, grunting as his eyes rolled back a little.

Lauren closed her eyes as Jasper entered her from behind, and I had to swallow again as my heart rate quickened, my palms sweating. As gently as possible I moved my hips, trying to find some kind of friction, but instead of friction, I found Edward, pressed against my lower back.

Like, I could feel _Edward_.

My mind flooded with relief first.

Relief that it wasn't just me that was insanely turned on by what was going on.

But more than anything I was flooded with need, a deep, aching want. It felt like my veins were awash with fire as goosebumps broke out across my skin. My hands were itching to just reach behind me and touch him, just once.

But I didn't.

I didn't need to.

As Jasper started to move his hips, beating out a slow, deliberate rhythm, Edward pressed himself into my back softly, the length of him pressed flush against me. I had to cross my arms over my chest and grab my t-shirt to stop my hands from touching him.

"Oh, fuck. Unhh, Assper. Fuck me with your glitter rod," yelled Lauren, her body slamming against the table top as Jasper picked up the pace, his hands grasping her hips roughly.

My heart was hammering in my chest as I tentatively pressed myself back a little, pressing my ass up into Edward's crotch.

Edward groaned and I almost lost my fucking shit, right there in front of a room of people.

It was quiet, so quiet I almost missed it, but my ear was so close to his mouth that I heard it slip past his lips. It was by far the hottest thing I'd ever heard.

The desk was moving across the floor slightly as Jasper pounded into Lauren, their grunts and screams echoing through the room.

The air in the office was so thick I had to gulp just to get enough oxygen. All I could smell was Edward, all I could feel was his body pressed against mine. All I wanted to do was turn around and straddle him, to fuck him until he made me scream.

I gripped my shirt even tighter as he pressed into me again. I could feel his entire length on my back, hard and hot, even through his jeans.

Sometime between high school and that moment, Edward had grown. A lot.

The sound of skin against skin echoed through the room as Jasper slapped his hand against Lauren's ass cheek.

'Ahhh," she screamed, throwing her head back. "More, oh fuck!"

Again, Jasper raised his hand and brought it down hard against her ass.

With a loud scream and her fist pounding on the table, Lauren came, and only seconds after, Jasper followed, grunting as his knees buckled slightly.

The room was silent for a few seconds. Like we were all stunned into silence.

Edward cleared his throat behind me. "Uh...yeah, cut."

"Nice job, guys!" said Carlisle, throwing Jasper his shirt.

We all applauded Lauren and Jasper, who both looked seriously happy with themselves.

Edward unwrapped his arms from around my shoulders and I swear my kitty almost screamed as we watched him walk away.

_Soon, my pretty, _I crooned internally. I needed some serious alone time with my beaver. And I needed a new pair of underwear, Stat.

Sticky, wet and cold, I helped the guys pack the equipment and we switched everything off and locked up just as the sun started to creep over the buildings.

Edward and I had been so busy packing up, and, to be honest, avoiding each other, but as we watched Mike pull away from the building, we were left alone by the side of the road.

Edward just grinned at me, his breath coming out in puffs of steam in the freezing morning air. Maybe it was the fact that he'd been up since yesterday morning, or that it was below zero outside, but there was a lazy kind of spark in his eyes as he smirked at me.

"You did good," I said quietly, breaking the intense silence.

He nodded, shrugging his shoulders, "We did it together. And we still have a way to go yet."

"I can't believe you have to work later," I said, punctuating it with a yawn.

Edward groaned. "Em's let me go home to sleep a bit. But I don't know if I can, I'm so wired! I could keep doing this all day."

"Well, as wonderful as that sounds, I don't think the customers would take too kindly to people fucking on their hard drives."

Edward shrugged again as we crossed the street towards home. "I don't know, I thought it was kind of hot," he mumbled, the corners of his lips turning up slightly. "Didn't you?"

What was I supposed to say?

_Hell yes I found it hot, in fact, I cant believe you didn't feel me grinding my ass on your apparently larger than average cock._

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, I thought it was kind of hot."

* * *

By the time we finally got home the sun was up and my body was craving sleep like a whore craved crack.

I peeled my socks and shoes off, tossing them inside the door. Both Edward and I threw our jackets over the couch, and I watched as Edward pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor as we trudged towards the bedroom.

Even through my sleep weary eyes, I ogled him. The way the muscles in his back flexed and shifted as he walked, the way his jeans hung dangerously low on his hips, revealing two tiny, but well defined dimples on his lower back.

Edward stopped at his door as I passed. "I'll be at work when you get up, but swing by if you want and we'll get ready for tonight's shoot."

My eyes snapped up from his ass. "Oh, uh...yeah, okay."

"Hey," he called, grabbing my wrist before I could open the door to my room. I turned around and Edward pulled me closer, his fingers dropping down to tangle with mine. "You still okay to do this scene together?"

"Of course," I answered. Was he thinking about pulling out? "Are you?"

A slow blush spread up Edward's chest and neck, and he pushed his glasses higher up his nose - a nervous habit he'd had since high school. "Yes!...I mean, yeah."

The air crackled between us as we stood in the hallway outside Edward's bedroom. My squish mitten was awake again, practically singing.

"Well, I'm going to..." Edward pointed to his room, "go to the...er...bed."

I nodded, untangling our fingers as I took a step back. "Yeah, I also must...get to...to sleep."

With some awkward nods and a smile, we both retreated towards our rooms, closing the doors behind us.

I flopped on to my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

What the fuck was my problem? I was getting all emo over Edward and it was screwing up my game!

I ripped my jeans off, throwing them across the room, followed by my shirt. Tired and cranky, I slipped into bed, kicking the bedspread and punching the pillow until it was comfortable.

Stupid pillow.

Stupid comforter.

Stupid, stupid, Edward.

I tried counting sheep, I tried deep breathing, I even put my headphones in, but nothing was helping. All I could think about was what Jasper had said to me earlier. What made it worse, was knowing Edward was right on the other side of my bedroom wall.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

I rolled over and opened my top drawer, revealing my prized possession. My We Vibe.

A girl that I'd worked with at the diner had recommended it to me, and thank the heavens above that she did, because this thing rocked my ever loving world - twice a week.

I checked that my door was closed before I slipped it under the covers, resting it lightly against my underwear.

Like I had so many times before, I closed my eyes as I ran my hand over my chest lightly. The only difference this time was that instead of thinking about that hot guy from the Twilight movies, it was Edward.

I ran my hands up my stomach, tracing the curve of my breasts gently before I slipped a hand under my shirt, my fingers rubbing circles around my already hard nipples.

I imagined my hands were his. His long, lean fingers gently pulling on my nipple. I imagined him taking it into his mouth, sucking on it, soft at first, but then harder.

I moaned quietly as my other hand trailed back down my stomach and over the top of my underwear, the material already soaked through.

I pressed the soft end of the toy to turn it on and the gentle vibrations radiated through my underwear, making me gasp.

Normally it took me a little time to warm up, but that morning I was already squirming and wet after mere seconds.

I lifted my legs up, parting them a little so that I could slip my hand down between my legs.

"Ughh, fuck!" I gasped as I ran a finger down through my pussy. I was so fucking wet, and I could already feel my nerves on edge, my muscles tightening as I slipped a single finger inside myself.

I touched the vibrator to my clit, instantly moving my hips as I rubbed it gently over the bundle of nerves, my finger beginning to move faster.

I turned my head, moaning into my pillow loudly.

I imagined Edward with his head clamped between my legs as his fuck awesome tongue swirled through my wet folds, my finger his, as he slipped it in and out, beating a perfect rhythm against me.

When it all became too much, I lifted the vibrator from my clit, replacing it with my finger as I slipped the toy down further. I pushed it inside me slowly, crying out as I moved it so that one half was inside and the other half was on my clit.

I began moving my hips, pushing it deeper with every thrust.

I bit my lip in an attempt not to groan, grasping the sheets beside me as images of Edward flashed in front of my eyes.

His smirk as he slipped another finger deeper inside me.

My fingers digging into his hair as his tongue moved through my lips.

My hips started to move faster and I could feel the muscles inside me clenching as I got closer.  
A final image of Edward flashed in my mind; his face as he leaned over me, his hips meeting mine with every move. His eyes scrunched together, his brows wrinkled as he came.

It was too much. With a final push, my legs slammed together as I came hard, panting and writhing against my hand.

"Oh, fuck. Unghh...Ed...oh shit...uhhhh, Edward!"

Jesus fucking Christ.

I lay panting, my legs quivering as the last aftershocks rocked my body.

I tried to find it in me to feel guilty about the fact that I'd just flicked my bean while thinking about my best friend in the world.

But, what do you know, I just couldn't!

It might have been because the last time I'd tried to rub one out, I'd almost got sprung with a piece of confectionery in my beaver, but holy hell if that hadn't been in-fucking-tense.

I curled up on to my side, smiling to myself. Jesus, I was so lucky Edward was asleep.

I don't know how I would explain the fact that I'd called his name as I came.

Lucky me, he _was _asleep. 

* * *

**A/N** So, there you go! Things are finally heating up!

And, we're back to regular programming. Well, our chapter updates were never particularly regular anyway, but they will be more regular now. So never fear. BUT, and here comes my big butt... my partner in crime Shoe - has decided to just watch our fun from the side lines. But, if you're dying for some Shoe fix - try her new fic 'Aberration' on her profile.

Also, just for those interested, that little toy that B is playing with is real. It's called a WeVibe - Google it - it will rock your world. JS

Leave us some love if you're still there...hello?


	10. Romancing The Bone

Hello again!

Can you feel the tension? I love it!

I have to give thanks to Shoefreak37, for her unending support and her help in the ah, man handling parts. And not to mention the supreme awesomeness of Albymangroves, for her quick pre-reading and beta'ing skillz - yes skills with a 'Z'.

I adore you both SFM.

Anyway, read on Porn lovers.

**Disclaimer**: No one in their right mind would pay me for this fuckery. I don't own them, I just enjoy making them naughty.

* * *

**Chapter Nine - Romancing The Bone**

**EPOV**

You know when you wake up, and you just know it's going to be one of _those _days?

Well, I was having one of them.

I'd only slept deeply for maybe an hour or so between tossing and turning and waking every half hour.

I groaned as the radio on my hamburger clock flicked on, the high pitched strains of Justin-fucking-Bieber assaulting my ears.

It must have been the movie shoot from the night before, but I was pretty sure I'd dreamt about fucking Bella over a school science table - naughty school girl outfit and all. Needless to say, I woke up with a massive boner. And not just your average morning wood either. This thing had a mind of its own! I think if I'd given it a hammer, it would have smashed the wall between my room and Bella's just to get to her.

Using what little blood was left in the rest of my body I rolled out of bed. The cold air against my bare skin did nothing to abate the raging erection that was currently setting up camp in my Transformers boxer shorts.

Limping slightly, I cracked the door open a little, peering into the hallway.

Luckily, Bella was still asleep, I could hear her snoring through her door.

I slipped across to the bathroom to take a quick shower - towel in hand and massive boner in shorts. It wasn't until I was in the bathroom, that I remembered we had no water. Luckily we had some wet wipes in the drawers, so I just made do, wiping myself all over as thoroughly as possible.

As I gingerly moved my dick aside to lower my boxers, I made a mental note to remember to spend a little quality time with my hand before my scene with Bella - maybe even twice, just to make sure.

I sighed a little as my wake-up fat waned slightly, allowing the blood to flow back to my brain again.

As I brushed my teeth and washed my face, I thought back over the previous night. The shoot was great, really. We were finally beginning to see some progress, and it had really made me believe that our ridiculous plan was going to work.

What I hadn't planned on, was my reaction when watching Jasper and Tanya fuck each other's brains out. To be honest, it hadn't even crossed my mind that it would affect me, but it sure as fuck did. And, even more disconcerting was the fact that it wasn't just that I was watching a live porn that turned me on, it was Bella.

Ever since we'd started this thing, there had been a shift in the way I'd thought about her. It wasn't right!

We had always had a great relationship completely uncomplicated by feelings. And now, I _was _having feelings; and not just in my groin area.

Firstly, there was lust. Not only was I suddenly finding her ridiculously attractive, I was having sexual thoughts about her, and on a regular basis!

Then there was the jealousy. Even though rationally I knew Jasper didn't have an ice cube's chance in hell of getting into Bella's pants, just watching him try made me insane with jealousy.

These two feelings alone, when related to Bella, were foreign to me.

But there was something else, completely new to me, something that made my heart squeeze uncomfortably whenever she walked into a room, or out of it, or smiled, or even frowned.

Was it love? Fucked if I knew! I'd never been in love, how was I to compare this feeling to something I hadn't experienced!

And then I'd almost blown it watching the scene the night before - literally - blown it in my pants. I'd thought that using her as a shield while we watched Jasper and Tanya fuck would be okay - you know, hide the chub from the other guys.

But I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Like Luke kissing Leia wrong.

The feel of her body pressed against mine had made it worse. And I could smell her hair, all cinnamon and strawberry Poptart.

And then when she pressed back against me I had to bite the inside of my mouth to stop myself from groaning. I tried not to rub against her, but it was like my hips had a mind of their own. I felt like a dog in heat, rubbing myself all over her.

And then, to top it all off, there was the moment in the hall. Had I tricked myself into thinking that she felt something too?

Frustrated, I threw a towel around my waist and stormed back into my room. I was turning into a mother-fudging woman! Hair smelling? "Moments"? Holy shit balls.

I shook my head, trying to clear it as I rifled through my top drawer, trying to find my lucky Simpsons boxers shorts; when a noise caught my attention.

It sounded like there was a bee in the wall.

I tiptoed over and pressed my ear against the plaster, my mouth almost hitting the floor as a quiet moan drifted through the wall and slapped me straight on the cock.

Christ on a cracker. It was Bella.

I'd heard her rubbing one out before, it was a pretty common occurrence. But I'd never paid that much attention before. It was like every nerve ending was standing to attention - along with my dick.

I leaned against the wall, pressing my ear harder against the plaster.

I could hear her quietly moaning and my cock hardened so much I expected it to knock on the wall.

I glanced at the clock, weighing up my options. Go to work with a massive boner and maybe find some time to sneak in a work jerk? Or take care of it before I go?

Shit, I had time, and it would be quick anyway.

I pulled the towel off and had my hand already wrapped around the base of my dick before it even hit the floor.

Closing my eyes, I remembered the way her body felt pressed against mine. The soft curve of her ass, the way she just fit into my arms.

I listened intently as another low moan floated through the wall.

I lay my head back against the wall as my hand began to pump faster.

I could feel my balls begin to tighten as I closed my eyes, remembering the way she bit her lip when I asked about our scene. I desperately wanted to be the one to bite her lip. I wanted to suck it into my mouth and taste her.

I could hear the movement of her bed as her moans intensified, her voice only bringing me to the brink faster.

I gripped my shaft harder and my knees almost buckled as I swiped my thumb over the head, spreading the moisture around and gripping tighter.

I imagined being the one eliciting those noises from her - tasting the skin on the inside of her thigh, her arm, her neck, everywhere.

I could feel my heart about to pound through my chest as my pace increased. A muted sound drifted through the wall; my name whispered and drawn out. "Fuuuuuuuck," I muttered, trying to be quiet as I came suddenly.

I could feel my blood thundering in my temples and I was lightheaded as I leaned against the wall trying to catch my breath.

I grabbed a handful of tissues from my desk, taking deep breaths as I cleaned myself up. My knees were still wobbly as I flopped down on to my bed. I hadn't come that quickly since I was sixteen.

My mind raced. She couldn't have meant me...could she?

I checked my watch, groaning when I realized I had to be at work in ten minutes.

I threw on my clothes and jacket, making sure to toss out the sticky tissues as I left.

I felt lighter on my feet as I slipped out the front door. I barely noticed the cold air as I started the car.

Emmett was busy with a customer when I arrived at work, and there was another guy standing at the help desk, so needless to say the morning was busy. But as busy as the store was, I couldn't keep my mind focused for more than two fucking seconds. It was like my brain was constantly stuck on the porn channel, with Bella and I as its stars.

By the time lunch rolled around I had visualized fucking her on every surface in the store, flat or otherwise.

I remembered all the times I'd caught a peek of her coming out of the bathroom.

And the time the week before that I'd caught a good eyeful of her ass as she reached up for the top shelf in the kitchen.

Not to mention all of the inadvertent grazing of the side boob over the years.

I flopped into the office chair late in the afternoon, sighing out of pure pent-up sexual frustration.

"Did you sleep here again last night?" I asked Emmett, noticing a blanket folded up on the floor.

"Do not even ask, Edward," he replied, pouring himself a huge cup of coffee.

I opened my mouth to reply, but was silenced by the sound of the phone ringing.

Emmett glared at me over his cup as he propped his feet up on the table. "You'd best be getting that phone, Cullen."

I reached over the desk and picked up the receiver. "Good afternoon, thanks for calling Your Motherboard, this is Edward."

"Hey!"

I had to try really hard to squash the huge smile that threatened to break out at the sound of Bella's voice. "Hey. What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm just leaving the house. I thought I'd call and make sure I had everything," she said, and I could hear her rummaging through a bag in the background. "Which toys am I supposed to bring? The black strap-on, or the skin colored one?"

"I, uh...the black one, I think," I stuttered, taking a stab in the dark.

"I thought so too. I can't find the lube, though. Do you know where it is?"

"Why would I know where it is?" I balked.

"I don't know, Edward. Maybe because you use it to flog your log?"

"I do not!" I said matter-of-factly. "I use that lotion stuff in the bathroom, if you must know."

Bella gasped. "Tell me you don't use my thirty dollar a bottle body lotion, Edward."

"The one that smells like coconut?" I asked, smirking.

"Oh, Jesus, you do!" she yelled, and I could hear her stomping around the house.

"What?" I said laughing. "I like it. It makes my dick smell good."

"Oh, right, because you have bitches sniffing your junk daily," she replied with a snort.

"Well, you might be down there tomorrow. I'm sure you'd be happier knowing it smelled fresh and coconutty," I teased.

Bella was quiet on the other end for a moment and I worried for a second that I'd offended her, making assumptions about her putting my junk in her mouth. Not that I would mind, of course. It was just that we hadn't really discussed what we would be doing exactly. We were happier just to go with the flow and if her mouth ended up full of my dick - so be it.

"Well," she said after a moment, and I had to blink a few times to clear my head of the pornographic images swirling around it. "I'll have to make sure I'm equally fresh for you then, won't I?"

It was my turn to be silent.

I'd never gone down on a girl. To be honest, I'd never been given the chance. My chest tightened with nerves and anticipation.

It was really going to happen. I was going to fuck Bella.

"You do that," I replied, you voice only faltering slightly.

"I will."

"Okay then."

"Fine."

"Excellent."

"I'll see you soon, Edward," she said quietly.

"Okay," I replied before she hung up.

I stood at the desk, staring at the phone.

"Were you just talking about your balls with a customer, Cullen?" asked Emmett, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Oh, ah, no. It was Bella."

"Oh, right," Emmett said, nodding at me with a smug grin on his face. "So, you're finally gonna tap that tomorrow?"

"I guess so, yeah," I replied, trying to play it down. Emmett would make a big fuss, and I was already shitting my pants about it.

I was hoping to change the subject and thanked god when I heard the phone ring again, saving me the trouble.

"Your Motherboard, this is Edward."

"Yes, hello. I'm having problems with my hard drive," said the caller. _"You think you've got problems?"_ I thought as I looked down at my semi-hard cock. This was really beginning to become a problem.

I sank down into the seat, playing idly with the stupid rake and sand thingy on Emmett's desk. "Have you tried turning it off and on?"

"Yes."

"Have you tried forcing a reboot?"

"A what?"

I pinched the skin between my brows. "You need to reboot. See, the driver hooks a function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread is going to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory...hello?"

I glared at the receiver. "Bitch hung up on me!"

"Shit, Edward. You're _so _lucky I don't hire you for your customer skills," Emmett mumbled. "Come on, lets get all the work done so we can set up for tonight's scene."

I had plenty to do to keep me occupied for the rest of the afternoon, and before I knew it, it was five thirty.

I wandered into the office to find Bella with her feet up on the coffee table, flipping through a 'PC World' magazine.

It didn't escape my notice that the table she had her feet propped up on, was the very same one I had imagined her bent over earlier in the day.

"I don't know how you read this shit, Edward. It's seriously boring."

She threw the magazine down and settled a black duffel bag on her lap, unpacking it's contents onto the table in front of her.

"Jesus, Bella. Put that shit away, will you?" hissed Emmett as he walked in, his eyes wide as saucers as he looked at the massive black strap-on.

"Don't flip your shit, Emmett. You look like you've never seen a strap-on before," said Bella, laughing as she packed it away.

"I've got customers, Bella. Honestly, I don't know how Edward puts up with you sometimes."

Bella rolled her eyes and stuck her finger up as Emmett turned his back.

She was so irritatingly juvenile sometimes. Cute, but irritating.

As the store closed up, the cast and crew all started to drift in, and after a short briefing, we started filming.

If I'd had any concerns about getting another unwanted boner, they were quashed pretty quickly when Toots came out of the dressing room wearing nothing but a studded black bra and the strap-on.

In fact, I think my dick hid behind my balls a little. Something about watching Toots pound into Mike just wasn't atop my list of 'Ten Hottest Moments'.

But, nevertheless, there we were half an hour later, watching Toots drill Mike with a ten inch, black strap-on. And I was as far away from being turned on as humanly possible.

"Take it, Mike. Oh, you take it," Mike was chanting to himself as Toots rammed into him from behind.

"Okay, Toots, can you slap his ass a bit?" I asked and Mike yelped as Toots slammed her palm against his bare ass.

It was like watching a train wreck. I knew I should look away, but I just couldn't. I felt as though I'd wandered into some fucked up Animal Planet show - with strap-ons.

I turned to Bella, expecting her to be as weirded out by it as I was, but as usual, she surprised me.

"It's amazing how strangely turned on I am," she whispered to me.

My eyes widened. "Really?"

She turned to me, but her eyes were still glued to Mike and Toots. "What? It's kind of like two guys, except one has boobs. Shit, I don't know, Edward!"

For some inexplicable reason, knowing that watching Mike and Toots turned Bella on, turned me on too.

My Bella was a kinky girl!

I could do kinky, right? Handcuffs, leather, nipple clamps...well, maybe not the nipple clamps, I had sensitive nipples.

We were about to finish the scene when suddenly the sound of the front door chime rang through the building. Everyone froze - including Mike and Toots, mid-thrust.

We watched as a skinny dude with a long lanky hair and a dark goatee stumbled into the store.

"Hey! Is this place still open?" he slurred as he swayed a little from side to side.

Emmett stepped in front of him to block his view, and the guy just looked up at him grinning.

"No. We closed at five thirty. You can come back tomorrow."

"But, my hard drive," he wailed, and I suddenly noticed the grey hard drive tucked under his arm. "My iner...tinter...internet is broken, or something."

Emmett looked at me, and I just shrugged as I reached over Mike's oiled up body to get the drop-in form.

As I stepped closer, the smell of weed wafted through my nose.

The guy was higher than Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked.

The guy frowned, his bloodshot eyes drooping a little. "I tried to log into Warcraft, and then - KABOOM!" he yelled so loud that I jumped back. He leaned in a little closer and the smell of weed made my eyes water a little. "I think it's dead, man," he whispered.

I took the hard drive and tucked it under the desk. "Okay. Well, we'll see what we can do tomorrow, okay?"

"Tomoorroooowww?" he whined, looking like he was on the verge of tears.

"Yeah, tomorrow," I insisted.

To my horror, he started looking around the shop, smiling lazily at Bella and blowing her an air kiss. His eyes landed on Toots and her eyes widened as he took a step towards her.

"Hey!" he said pointing at her.

I took a step to the side, trying to block his view, but it was obvious that he had already seen too much.

He pointed at Toots, wagging his finger as we all braced ourselves.

"You have pretty hair."

A collective sigh of relief spread through us as I stepped in front of him and turned him around to face the other way. "Okay great, man. If you leave now, I'll give you a free gaming stick with your fix, okay?"

I flinched as his hand stroked my face. "Really? That would be so freaking awesome!"

I started ushering him towards the door, when he spun around again. "Wait a minute!" he exclaimed, and I panicked as he started looking around the store.

"Do you have Cool Ranch Doritos? I've got the munchies, dude!"

"No," I said, shaking my head.

"Pretzels?"

"No."

"Ding Dongs?"

"No!" I said, finally snapping as I grabbed the hood of his jacket and pulled him towards the door. "There's a 7-Eleven on the corner, go there!"

"But I..."

I closed the door in his face, locking it.

"Cheese and rice," muttered Emmett, as he held his hand over his heart. "I thought it was Rosalie for a second."

"Okay, guys," called Bella, snapping everyone back into action. "Let's get the last few minutes of this scene and call it a night."

She turned to me smiling. "Nice job, Cullen."

I smiled proudly back at her.

"Okay," I said, signalling Carlisle. "And action."

"Oh, God. This is good," said Mike as Toots resumed her thrusting. I watched Bella from the corner of my eye, but she was still engrossed in the scene.

After a few more minutes of filming I couldn't take any more of watching Mike's oiled up body slide over the counter top.

"Okay, Toots," I said into my faux megaphone. "Lean in and pretend to bite him on the neck."

With a final thrust, Toots leaned over and sank her teeth into Mike's shoulder, making a little hissing noise as she did.

"And, cut."

Everyone clapped and cheered as Toots pulled the dick out of Mike's ass. They were all smiles as we applauded them, and they even gave a little bow, which was punctuated by a rather wet sounding fart from Mike, who just blushed.

"Nice job tonight guys," called Bella. "So we'll come back again tonight for um...mine and Edward's stuff."

My nervous excitement bubbled over in the form of a high pitched giggle, and I had to turn away, clapping my hands over my mouth as everyone looked at me.

If I was this nervous the night before, I couldn't imagine how nervous I was going to be tomorrow night. I made a mental note to have a few beers to calm my nerves beforehand.

Carlisle just grinned as I stood next to him while he put away the camera. "How's it looking so far?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Amateur, at best. But then what do you expect, we are amateurs, right?"

I chuckled. "True."

Carlisle waggled his eyebrows at me. "Maybe you can step it up a notch tomorrow night with Bella? Give us some decent acting?"

I felt myself blush as I stifled another giggle.

In t-minus 24 hours, I was going to fuck Bella while a room full of people watched and filmed.

Awesome!

* * *

So we're finally there. You know what's coming (*giggle*). Stay tuned!

Two quick thingies.

1. If crossovers are your thing...baby...you should cast an evil eye over Manhoor & Mpg's 'Evil Dead: Forks and Broomsticks'. It's only a few chapters in, and it's great! Ash is a funny fucker and it's great for a laugh.

2. The wonderful Twiggalina has been so kind as to rec our little story over on The Fictionators. I don't think it's up yet, but when it is you'd best believe i'll give you the link.

Don't forget to review. If you do, i'll make sure Edward practices his, errrr, skills for the next chapter. xx Miss W


	11. Throbin' Hood

**Well, here it is.**

**HUGE HUGE HUGE thanks to Alby for being the amazing pre-reader and friend she is. And to ladyinblue6 for jumping in with her beta-extraordinaire skills. Without these ladies this story just wouldn't happen.**

**Enjoy! x**

**Disclaimer: If Smeyer's original characters got into this kind of fuckery, then I wouldn't be writing this. Sadly, they don't. They are hers and I just play with them.  
**

* * *

**BPOV**

**Chapter Eleven - Throbin' Hood.**

I'd flicked through the TV channels at least four times before I finally gave up and turned it off, tossing the remote to the side angrily.

For the millionth goddamn time that morning I checked my watch, groaning when I realised I still had over six hours until Edward came home. Six full hours of trying to find something other than flicking my bean to keep me occupied. Plus, I was pretty sure my fingers were starting to get RSI, so that was out of the question anyway.

I resorted to wandering around the house for a while, opening the fridge twice and scowling at it when nothing new and delicious magically appeared.

Frustrated, I flopped down into a chair at the kitchen table, resting my cheek against its surface with a sigh. To say I was a little antsy was an understatement. I'd been fidgeting all morning, unable to find anything to keep me occupied for more than two seconds before thoughts of Edward and our scene began filtering into my sex-starved brain.

We hadn't really gone over what exactly would be happening in our scene. Sure, we had lines, but other than that, we'd decided just to see where the scene would take us, and that sent my imagination into overdrive.

I rubbed absently at a spot on the surface of the table as my mind raced with the implications of sleeping with – no, of _fucking_ - my best friend.

What if he was terrible? What if I was terrible?

And what frightened me even more: what if it wasn't terrible? What if Edward pulled out some mind-blowing, toe-curling porn star-like skills? What then?

It was like those stupid fucking taster sticks at the ice cream store. They give you a tiny bit of the ice cream and you taste it, and then all you want is the stupid double chocolate, peanut butter ice cream. But you can't have the ice cream, because you're lactose intolerant, so eating the ice cream will fuck shit up and make you feel sick and then you'll never want any other flavour ever again. And you'll never be able to even be in the same room as the ice cream without thinking about how good it tasted and then, before you know it, the ice cream is looking at you funny and telling you "We should talk" and, well, that's about where the ice cream analogy ends, but you get the picture.

I was kind of screwed and it was messing with my head.

I scratched my thumbnail harder over the spot on the table, frowning at it when it wouldn't move.

With a loud huff, I jumped up and grabbed the kitchen sponge and proceeded to scrub the shit out of the table top, and the chairs, and then bench tops, until the entire kitchen was as spotless as our shitty, run-down kitchen could be.

Once I finished in the kitchen I moved to the bathroom and scrubbed the tiles, almost gassing myself when I poured straight bleach on the shower basin. I cleaned out each of the drawers in the vanity, mopped the floor and even cleaned the shower curtain.I pulled a load of Edward's clothes from the dryer and folded it into the basket, snorting as I folded a pair of his tightey whiteys. That video never got old.

Warily, I opened the door to Edward's room, stepping over the mountains of shit piled on his bedroom floor. The room stunk like socks, sweat and cologne. And Edward. After setting his clothes on his desk I flopped onto his bed, pulling a photo from the pin board that sat above his bed.

I grinned as I looked at the ridiculous picture; it was one of my favorites and was taken during our senior year at the opening night of the new _Star Wars_ movie.

He was dressed as Luke of course; complete with home-made light saber and holster belt. His mouth was still full of metal as his braces glinted in the camera flash. He wanted me to dress as Leia, but just to piss him off I went as an Ewok instead. Covered head-to-toe in a gray and black fluffy suit with a pair of ears on my head and my nose painted black.

Our cheeks were pressed together tightly, our faces filling up the entire photo. Between Edward's floppy hair and braces, and my heavy eyeliner and black painted nose, we were truly an ugly sight to behold.

But looking at the photo made me realize just how much Edward and I had been through together. He was there for me when my Mom left Charlie and I, when I got my first period, and when I thought I was pregnant after letting Riley Biers finger me at a party. In my defense, Charlie was a single parent, and the severe lack of knowledge on his part meant I learned most of my sexual education from _90210_.

I was there when his parents died and the first time he got a boner in class. The poor kid wasn't to know we would be watching Sex-Ed videos in Health class. He had to walk out of the classroom with my pink sweater tied around his waist. Hell, I was there for him just weeks ago when a video of him in his underwear went viral. Not to mention when Kurt Cobain died, because that shit tore Edward up - he still got choked up talking about it.

In all honesty, Edward was my family, and I was his - just not in a creepy incestuous kind of way.

I was so fucking scared that sleeping with him would fuck up all the years of amazing friendship we'd had. Sure, I teased him a time or two, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't get off on making the nerd a little uncomfortable.

But who the fuck would I tease if he wasn't around? Hell, he was the only person I knew that could deal with my moody-as-fuck, bitchy, foul-mouthed personality. And who else would put up with a 29-year old guy who still read comics and brushed his teeth with a light saber toothbrush?

No one.

Except me, because I fucking loved that shit.

Shaking my head, I put the frame back on the table before I slipped out of his room.

I spent the entire afternoon cleaning the house like June-mother-fucking-Cleaver. It wasn't until the front door opened at just after five that I realised I had spent the entire day cleaning. I was still on my hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor when Edward walked in.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he asked, looking around our now spotless house in awe.

"Cleaning, you asshole! What the fuck does it look like?" I replied, blowing the hair from my sweaty face.

I could feel Edward's eyes roam my body as I huffed a little from the vigorous scrubbing, my tank top clinging to my sweaty chest.

I had to look away as his eyes locked back on mine, their intensity scaring me just a little. I swear if I hadn't already been red from the exercise, I would have blushed like a fucking teenage girl.

Edward cleared his throat, averting his eyes to the carpet as he passed. "I'm going to go take a shower," he mumbled as he passed.

"But there's no hot water!" I replied.

"That's fine!" called Edward as he almost ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

Feelings of confusion and fear began anew as I flopped onto the couch. I leaned forward, resting my forehead against the table as the memory of Edward's green eyes blazing into mine flashed into my consciousness. I lifted my head a little, only to drop it again with a thud. "It's just sex," I reminded myself quietly.

"It's just sex." I repeated, lifting my head a little.

_Thud._

"It's just sex."

_Thud_.

"It's just sex."

_Thud._

"Bella? What the fudge are you doing?"

With a gasp, I threw my head up to see Edward standing in the hallway, watching me bang my head against the coffee table.

"Uh...nothing, just checking the, uh...wood!" I said, banging my hand against the table firmly and nodding. "Yep, that's good wood, nice and solid."

Edward's eyebrows knitted together in confusion as he sat down on the couch beside me, shaking his head. "Have you been using the oven cleaner again? You know I told you to open a window."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not high, Edward."

He leaned forward and lifted my arm, sniffing loudly. "Shit, B. You smell like bleach and sweat. I hope you're going to shower before tonight."

I pulled my arm from his grasp and stood up to take a much needed cold shower. "Like I said, Edward fucking Jeremy, I'll be fresh as a goddamn daisy. You just make sure you bring your A-game."

And with that I locked myself in the bathroom to freak the fuck out in privacy.

After a long, bitterly cold shower to freshen up, we made our way to Emmett's store where the crew had spent the afternoon setting up.

Toots practically assaulted me as soon as we walked in the door, whisking me over to Emmett's little make-shift bedroom upstairs.

"Look!" squealed Toots and she pointed to the bedroom excitedly.

"Fuck me!" I exclaimed, looking at the beautiful room in front of me.

The once shabby and sterile little room that was reserved for nights when Emmett was in the dog house, was now a beautiful little bedroom, complete with mood lighting and fresh, new linens.

"We thought you two might want something a bit more...romantic," said Toots as she began fluffing my hair.

I forced a laugh, which turned into a snort. "Why? It's just Edward and me."

Toots shook her head as she pulled out a shopping bag stuffed full of lingerie. "Right, sure thing, honey."

I chose to ignore her comment, instead focused on finding something in the bag that was made of more than four centimetres of material, finally finding a cute little silky nightie and matching underwear at the bottom. It was still ridiculously short, leaving half of my ass hanging from the bottom, but at least it covered most of my boobs and snatch.

I dashed out of the bathroom and slipped into a robe that Toots had waiting for me, tying it tightly around my waist.

"You ready?" called Toots before she barged in.

"What's the point of knocking if you're just going to walk in?" I snapped.

Smiling, Toots pulled a lip gloss from her purse and started dabbing it onto my lips. "Now, I have some lube left over from my scene with Mike, so if you need it, I'll just put it in the drawer next to the bed."

What I was beginning to love about Toots was that she didn't take my shit and completely ignored my bitchy comments.

I shrugged as she finished dabbing my bottom lip. "Thanks, but...I don't think I'll need it," I said quietly, looking at my feet.

With a huge grin Toots grabbed me by the shoulders, squeezing firmly. "You're going to be wonderful, Bella."

A quiet knock at the door snapped us out of our mushy girly moment, and I opened the door to find Emmett waiting for me. "You ready, Miss Swallows?" he asked, holding out a hand.

"As I'll ever be," I replied as I slipped my shaking hand into his.

Edward was the first thing I noticed when I got upstairs. He was deep in conversation with Carlisle, his hands moving around the room as they debated camera angles - and shirtless.

I've seen Edward shirtless countless times - too many to count, in fact - but knowing we were about to take such a huge step in our purely platonic relationship - of which I was having strange feelings about - skewed my view ever so slightly. The way his muscles flexed as he lifted his arms, the flat planes of his stomach and chest, and the way his shorts hung on his hips...I was mesmerized.

All of a sudden, like he knew I was there, he stopped talking and turned to face me, a brilliant smile spreading across his face as he walked toward me.

"Hello, Bella," he said quietly.

"Hey," I replied, my eyes locked on his as the crew moved around us quietly.

"So..." he said, scratching his head. "I feel like we should have done a practice run or something."

"I know, right?" I said, laughing with relief. He looked as scared shitless as I felt.

We both smiled nervously as Emmett made his way over to us.

"Okay, you two," he said ushering us over to the bedroom. "No pressure or anything, but the whole movie kind of depends on this scene."

We both turned to scowl at him and he took a little step back.

"What I mean is, the rest of the scenes are okay. But this is the big one; this is the Isabella Swallows and Bedward Pullen love scene. So I need you guys to really ham it up, you know? Really get into it and give me something that doesn't make me want to beat myself to death with a dildo."

Edward and I both mumbled agreements and Emmett moved away to help Carlisle set the camera up.

"You're still okay to do this aren't you?" asked Edward, looking a little worried.

Taking a deep, calming breath, I nodded. "Yeah, yeah, of course. Are you?"

He nodded. "Sure, sure. I'm just...you know, nervous, I guess. This is kind of a big deal. I mean, it's kind of a fuck load of pressure."

I waved a hand at him "Pshht, Cullen, I'm just your average girl turning to porn to pay her bills. At least you have 'Tighty Whiteys' to back you up."

"Oh, God," groaned Edward. "Don't remind me. I checked the view count the other day; it's up to like ten thousand views, which is..."

"Hilarious," I finished with a laugh, trying to put him at ease.

"Okay, you two love birds," said Emmett as he rubbed his hands together. "Let's get started, shall we?"

Toots walked over and held a hand out for my robe. With shaky hands, I untied the belt and slipped it from my shoulders, handing it to her.

I felt Edward's arm brush against mine as he came to stand beside me, his eyes travelling the length of my body a few times before he spoke. "You look amazing, Bella."

It was like the snark centre of my brain had shut off, probably melting into a pile of goop like I wanted to. "Thanks," I said, tucking my hair behind my ear nervously. "You look pretty great yourself."

Edward snorted. "I'm wearing nothing but a pair of shorts."

"Just shut up," I teased, tapping him lightly on the chest."You make them look good."

"Alright guys," interrupted Carlisle, as he took me by the shoulders and sat me on the bed. "Okay, Bella, you just sit right here. And, Edward, you stand over here at the foot of the bed."

Edward went to stand at the foot of the bed and I tucked my feet under the comforter and shimmied down into the bed, giving my boobs a little push up and my hair a little fluff before I lay down.

I was going to Angelina Jolie the shit out of this scene. People were going to call me the Meryl Streep of porn.

Fuck yeah.

"Okay, guys," said Emmett as he stepped behind Carlisle to watch. "This is where Bedward creeps into Isabella's window and, well, you know the rest. So, after you've said your lines, just do what feels natural, we've got all the freaky shit covered in the other scenes."

Edward was clenching and unclenching his fists, shaking his hands out quickly as he looked at me.

I turned to Carlisle before he turned the camera on, giving him my best bitch face. "Carlisle? No close up shots of my cooter!" I demanded.

Edward shook his head laughing. "Nice, Bella. Real lady-like."

"Okay, set?" asked Carlisle, and the light on the camera flickered on, "Ready, and...action."

Edward stepped into the scene, turning to face the camera dramatically as I sat forward, clutching my hand to my chest. "Bedward! How did you get in here?" I said with a dramatic gasp.

"The window, of course," he said, pointing to the imaginary window as he stepped closer to the bed, his height making me have to look up at him.

"Do you do that often?" I asked in what I _hoped_ was my best seductive voice, licking my lips as I looked at the camera.

"Almost every night."

"Ugh, that's kind of creepy," I said, turning up my nose.

"Can you just stick to the script please, Bella?" chided Edward, glaring at me.

Emmett slapped his palm to his forehead. "Cut! Can you _both _just stick to the script? I'd like to get home sometime tonight. They're showing 'Lost' again and I really wanna see if they get of that mother-fucking island."

Carlisle fiddled with the camera and called action again.

"Oh, Bedward," I cooed, shaking my hair. "You don't know how long I've waited for your peen."

Edward turned to face me, running his hands over his shimmery chest. "Do I dazzle you?"

I bit my lip to stop a giggle from escaping. "You are my bad-ass vampire boyfriend, and I want your amazing glittery rod of desire inside of me."

"Oh, but Isabella," said Edward loudly. His acting was terrible. And not _Days of Our Lives_ terrible. Just plain midday-movie terrible. "I'm the bad guy! Everything about me invites you in, my chest, my ass, even my bad-ass oral skills. As if I would need any of that with my monster cock."

Throwing back the covers, I thrust my chest towards Edward. "I don't care that you might kill me. Eat me Bedward, eat me hard!"

"Okay, Edward, that's your cue," whispered Emmett, gesturing for Edward to get on the bed.

The mattress shifted as Edward crawled over me, hovering above me as I sank back down into the pillow.

I swallowed any apprehension, nodding slightly to Edward and he gave me a reassuring smile as his hand reached up, his fingers trailing across my bottom lip softly.

As soon as his fingertips touched my skin it was like every fear and doubt I'd had brewing inside of me all day just disappeared. Slowly, Edward moved closer to me, his left hand trailing down my cheek softly before he lowered his face to mine. "You ready for this?" asked Edward quietly, his eyes boring into mine.

Unable to speak with his face so close to mine, his lips inches from mine, I nodded before closing the gap between us, pressing my lips to his gently.

I'd been offered the ice cream taster stick, and it was good. _Really good_.

It was like time stopped. Like everything around us faded away, and there was no one here but Edward and I.

My Edward. My beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, stupid, gorgeous Edward.

His lips were so gentle, but his kiss was firm as he moved himself over me, positioning himself between my legs. Just the weight of him on top of me had me writhing beneath him, seeking friction as his hands travelled the length of my thigh, hitching my leg up and over his hip.

I couldn't help the little groan that escaped as Edward's lips moved down my neck slowly, placing soft kisses all the way down my neck to my chest, where his fingers slipped under the straps of my slip.

"Bella," whispered Edward, his breath ghosting across the skin of my collar bone.

"Ugh," I replied as his fingers danced over the material of my nightie, causing my nipples to harden.

"I...Bella, I don't think we should show your breasts."

"Sorry, what?" I mumbled, lust clouding my brain more and more by the second.

"Your boobs, Bella. I don't want everyone to see them," he whispered, his breath washing in warm waves over my chest.

His hands shifted from cupping my boobs and I almost cried out as his lips descended on the swell of my chest, his tongue making a pass at the valley between my breasts.

"Oh, fuck, Edward. Whatever, just...oh...don't stop."

I clawed at his back, trying to press him closer to me, my hands running up the smooth skin of his back, my fingers wrapping themselves into his hair, tugging gently.

"Fuck, Bella, that feels so good," groaned Edward, the sound of his voice sending shivers down my spine, erupting in a wave of pleasure between my legs.

I grabbed Edward's head, bringing his face back to mine before kissing him again as I wrapped both of my legs around his hips, feeling him thrust lightly against me.

I was awash with sensation; I could feel every nerve ending on my body tingling, ready to ignite. All I could feel was the weight of Edward's body against mine, the clean and fresh smell of him permeating my senses, clouding my brain.

I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anyone in my entire life.

Fuck the ice cream, I wanted Edward.

"Edward," I whispered, pulling his face back to look at me, momentarily shocked as his blazing, vibrant eyes gazed back at me. Was he feeling what I was?

"I'm ready," I said quietly, my fingers digging into his lower back, pressing him closer to me.

He groaned quietly, his mouth falling open a little as his eyes closed for a moment before my fingers wrapped around his shorts, tugging at the button fly, feeling the buttons pop open one by one.

I could feel him beneath the denim, warm and heavy in my hand as I reached in to stroke him gently, making him thrust into my hand with a grunt.

His hand moved up my thigh, his fingers leaving a trail of scorched skin as they skimmed my inner thigh, finally coming to rest over me, rubbing gentle circles over my underwear, causing me to buck into his hand.

"Jesus, Bella," Edward whispered, his voice raspy and deep. "You're so fucking wet."

I bit my lip as his hand continued to move, his long fingers rubbing tight circles, winding me tighter and tighter. "Oh god," I panted, unable to stop the sounds coming from my mouth. "So...uhh...so good...please, Edward."

"Say it, Bella," he groaned as he moved my underwear aside, his fingers finally touching my heated skin. "Fuuuuck, so fucking soft," he whispered. "I need to hear you say it, Bella. Out loud."

I was almost lost for words as his fingers moved up and down languorously, swirling gently, his pressure the perfect mix of gentle and firm as he slipped a single finger inside of me, making me moan loudly.

"Shit, ungh, Edward," I said, more loudly now as his finger started to push in and out of me slowly. "I need you...fuck...I need you, Edward."

I almost whimpered as his fingers slipped out of me, my flesh throbbing with need as he pulled my underwear down my legs, his fingers trailing softly up my legs until he came back to rest between them.

I could feel him, hard and ready as he positioned himself. "Open your eyes," he whispered, and I did, slowly opening them and seeing only him. His hair flopped over his eyes in complete disarray, his cheeks were tinged with pink and his lips were swollen and red as I imagined mine would have been.

Our eyes locked and I had to fight not to close them as he pushed into me, stretching me, filling me, completing me.

Edward closed his eyes tightly, his body pressed close to mine as he laid his forehead against mine. "Jesus, fuck, Bella...so fucking perfect."

His words just drove me more insane, filling my head, swimming through my brain, sinking deep into my chest. "Edward, oh shit! Please, I need..." I gasped, lifting my hips a little.

Gently, he rocked his hips into mine, gentle pushes as our lips kept a steady rhythm with our bodies. Slowly and tortuously he buried himself in me, making me moan with every fucking move. It was all too much, but not enough.

My fingers slid up the back of his neck and into his hair as I pulled his closer to me. "Fuck me, Edward," I begged, desperate to feel him everywhere.

"Shit, Bella," he groaned as he lifted himself up onto his forearms, increasing the pace. I matched his movements with my own, our hips meeting with every thrust, the heat rushing up from my abdomen, across my stomach and up my neck, my chest red and my cheeks flushed as I felt myself moving closer to the edge.

Breathless, Edward rested his forehead against mine, his green eyes piercing mine as he moved above me.

He was close and I could feel it; the tension in his back, the erratic thrusting as his eyes closed, his brow furrowed.

"Come with me, Edward," I said quietly, and his eyes snapped open to look into mine for a moment before his mouth fell open a little and his tongue moved over his bottom lip as he began to move faster.

His fingers gripped my thigh tighter as he lifted it a little, increasing the angle and causing me to call out, unable to stop the heat from spreading up my chest as my heart thundered. "Edward, shit...fuck...I'm gonna come. Oh fuck!"

I looked up, not wanting to miss the chance to see Edward's face as he came.

He was amazing. His mouth open a little, his brows pulled together as a long, quiet moan erupted from deep within his chest. The sound of his voice sent me spiralling out of control, my body shattering with heat and sensation as it exploded out from my centre in wave after wave of heavy, thumping pleasure.

Spent, Edward collapsed on top of me, his head cradled between my neck and shoulder as my fingers ran through his hair.

"And cut," said a voice from beside us, and it wasn't until I looked around that I remembered that we had an audience.

Edward tensed, lifting his head from my shoulder and looking around before looking back down at me. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.

Completely overwhelmed with emotion, I nodded as I gazed up at him, my body still trembling in the aftermath of my earth-shattering orgasm.

I wanted to grab him, to hold him close and hug the shit out of him, but all too soon he was up and out of the bed.

Sitting up, I pulled the sheet up around my chest as the rest of the crew gave me some space, leaving me to get changed.

"Well done, sweetheart," said Toots as she laid the robe on the bed beside me. "You two were amazing," she gushed, smiling sweetly before she left me alone to change.

I took a deep shuddering breath before flopping back down on to the bed, pulling the comforter up and over my head.

The bed still smelled like a mixture of Edward and I, and I turned to shove my face into the pillow, taking another deep breath, inhaling the fuck awesome smell that was Edward.

As I sat under the comforter it hit me like a freight train.

Fuck me sideways.

I was in love with Edward Cullen.

* * *

Eep!

I'm not going to do the usual ramble on. I'm too nervous to know what you though. YES, I'm a review whore, I know. So leave me some love.


	12. The Porn Identity

**Huge love for ladyinblue6 and her wand of gooey-beta-goodness, she makes my shit look good. And choc-chip cookies of love to Alby for being my sounding board and all around awesome friend. Without her I don't know where this story would be. Seriously. **

***PSA* The following chapter may cause the following; uncontrollable laughter, giggle snorting, guffawing, chuckling and/or tittering (LOL TITtering). If you are reading this on any of the following; iPhone, iPad, Laptop or small rodent, please put it down. I do not want to be responsible for the breakage of said reading devices.**

**Thank you and enjoy.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter Eleven - The Porn Identity**

Spank my ass and call me Yoda, I was done. My mind was officially blown.

I felt like my heart was trying out as the new drummer in Metallica, it was beating so damn hard.  
My whole body was tingling, from my toes to my fingertips; even my head was tingling, like I could feel my hair vibrating.

If I'd had any idea that being with Bella could make me feel this way I would have done it sooner, and more often, and for longer. I mean, I did the best that I could, I held out for as long as possible. But watching her unravel beneath me, the feel of her skin against mine was like sensory overload. I almost expected to explode when I came, light radiating from every point in my body until I was nothing but a huge ball of blue light - anime style.

It wasn't until Bella shifted underneath me that I realized I must have been crushing her, but I wanted nothing more than to lean down and kiss the shit out of her. She tasted like nothing I'd ever tasted before, but at the same time, like all of my favorite things. And it wasn't until Emmett cleared his throat behind us that I even remembered that there were other people in the room. It was like being slapped with a wet fish. Suddenly, I could feel six sets of eyes on me as they all stood silently, waiting for one of us to move.

I tried my best to use my body to cover Bella's, I didn't need all the guys seeing her naked, especially that ass Jasper.

I could feel the tension returning to my limp body. Things that had once been sated and deflating, were now beginning to become hard and insistent again; the feeling of Bella's soft body under mine was reigniting the spark. I didn't know exactly how she would feel about having my wang so close to her so soon. Not wanting her to be uncomfortable, I jumped up out of the bed, covering myself with my shorts as I made a beeline for the bathroom, grabbing Emmett as I passed.

I shoved him into the bathroom ahead of me, and closed the door behind us.

I could feel the tension rising in my chest, my lungs tightening as the ramifications of what I'd just done rattled through my brain.

Emmett eyed me warily as I closed the door behind us, locking it securely.

"Dude," he said, covering his eyes as he turned around. "We are not women. This whole going to bathroom in groups thing is not cool"

I paced back and forth, scrubbing my fingers through my hair. I was _not_ supposed to be feeling this way. We'd made a deal; just sex. But, here I was, smitten like a fourteen-year-old girl. I slapped my forehead, trying to clear the jumbles thoughts in my brain, but it was no use. It was like my mind was stuck on replay, and all I saw was Bella over, and over, and over.

"I am so epically screwed, Em."

"Uh, yeah. I know, I was in the room."

"No, like I'm _fucked_, Em. Like the blue screen of death fucked." I looked up at him, my hands still shaking. "I...think I'm having_...feelings_." My voice was taking on the high-pitched note it did when I was in a stressful situation. I sounded like a sixteen-year-old on the cusp of puberty.

"Feelings?" Emmett repeated and I nodded.

"I feel like I can't breathe, like every cell in my body is tingling, like I don't know what to do with my hands..."

"Well, I'd tell you to put them in your pockets, but..." Emmett interrupted, gesturing to my bare legs. I looked down, groaning when I realised that I was still butt naked and pacing around the bathroom.

"Fuck," I muttered, grabbing a nearby towel and throwing it around my waist before continuing to pace. "What the hell is wrong with me? How do I make it stop?"

Emmett rolled his eyes so hard his irises actually disappeared for a moment. "It's called love, you emotionally retarded fool," he snorted. "And can you stop pacing please? I can hear your balls slapping when you walk. Sit the fuck down or something."

"Love?" I stuttered, shaking my head as I put the lid down of the toilet and taking a seat. "No, it's not love. No, it can't be. Just...no."

"Oh, Edward," he sighed. "I find your lack of faith disturbing, young one. Trust me, it's love. And dude," said Emmett, slapping a hand down on my shoulder, "you got it bad. That tight feeling in your chest? The fact that you can't get her out of your head? Even that weird feeling that you get when you're away from her, like you don't know what to do with yourself? It's love."

I hung my head between my legs, groaning as the realization hit me like a tonne of bricks. "It is isn't it? Oh god, I'm in love with my best friend."

Emmett sighed loudly. "Well, it's about fucking time!"

My head snapped up at his comment. "What?"

He shook his head at me, incredulous. "Are you only just realizing this now?"

"You're making no sense!" I spat, frustrated.

"Jesus, Edward. I thought you were supposed to be smart one! You two douche-bags are made for each other. How you two haven't realized this sooner is completely beyond me."

"You knew?" I asked, dumbfounded.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Well, at first I thought Bella was gay, she has that whole feminism, 'I-don't-need-no-man' bullshit down pat. She swears like a sailor and drinks like a fish, and then there was the time she got that haircut with the short bits and the back..."

"Emmett," I interrupted. "You're getting off track."

"Oh yeah," he said with a nod. "So, anyway, after I determined that she wasn't gay, that she, in fact, likes cock, it made more sense. I mean, why the fuck would she hang around a geek like you - no offence - if she didn't have some kind of thing for you? And then I watched you two together and it was obvious. You guys move like magnets, she moves, you move. It's like you know what the other is going to do before they do it. You like all the same stuff, you spend all your free time together - even though you already fucking live together! Honestly, you two have something pretty cool, it's like destiny or something."

"Destiny, Emmett? Are you having your period? Are you taking Rosalie's oestrogen?"

Emmett flipped me the bird as he rolled his eyes. "Fuck you, I can be deep and shit. The way I figure it, it's like fate had you two blinded until now, and this porn thing was its way of opening your eyes. Like the time was finally right or something, I don't know. Like soul mates, I guess."

I just stared at Emmett as he drew a long breath.

It was one of the nicest things he'd ever said to me.

I jumped up and wrapped my arms around him in a nice manly hug, even slapping his back for good measure.

"Thanks, Em. I never knew you had that kind of crap in you."

Emmett shrugged. "That's how I roll. Now, can you get your dick off my leg so we can get the fuck out of here? I don't even wanna know what the others think we're doing in here."

As I dressed, I took a few minutes to devise a cunning plan. A way to let Bella know exactly how I felt without freaking her the fuck out.

I would be an adult, I would be clear and rational and just tell her how it is, that I love her. Fuck! Just saying it in my head was scary! How the fuck was I going to tell her face to face? Finally, I settled on writing her a letter, it was romantic and it meant she wouldn't be able to laugh in my face.

But the next night, as I threw another newspaper into the fire, my plan was blown to pieces as Bella flopped onto the couch behind me with a pen and notepad in her hand.

"Hey."

"Hey," I replied, sitting down beside her. "You finishing the script for tonight?"

She nodded, tapping the pen against the paper. "It got too dark in my bedroom. You know, no lights and all. So, I thought I'd come out here. But, I'm ready to leave whenever you are,"

"Oh, no it's cool. We still have some time. Emmett phoned earlier to say that he'll set up tonight."

"Oh, cool," replied Bella. "Nice t-shirt by the way," she teased, pointing to my 'Come to the Dork Side' shirt.

I shoved her playfully. "You shouldn't tease geeks, Bella."

"Why the hell not?"

I pushed my glasses up on my nose a little further. "Because we'll rule the world one day."

Bella snorted and shook her head. "Right."

We sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes, watching the fire crackle and hiss in the drum.

Cheese and rice, it was more awkward than watching a sex scene with your parents in the room. I could tell that we were both too nervous to say anything, both waiting for the other person to say something first.

"So...," she said, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

"Yeah," I replied, watching said lip-in-teeth action.

Bella sighed loudly. "Look, Edward, about last night..."

I could see she was uncomfortable, and I groaned. "I know, B, I'm sorry, I really thought I would last longer. I just didn't anticipate all the cameras, and I didn't know it would feel so...weird..."

"Weird?" interrupted Bella. "Like how? Weird good, or weird bad?"

I could feel my glasses fogging up a little as she gazed back at me, the slight red tinge to her hair accentuated by the fire beside us, her _'Flight of the Concords' _ t-shirt fitted in all the right places.

I could see something flicker in her eyes, anticipation maybe? Hope? Who the fuck knows - women are harder to read than binary code. I steeled my resolve, remembering my naked conversation the day before with Emmett as I took a deep breath.

"Weird good, I suppose. I mean, not like I expected. You know?"

Bella nodded, and I definitely saw a look of relief in her eyes. "I know. It was like we...I don't know, I felt like we had this connection..."

Suddenly, the room was flooded with light, the hum of the refrigerator kicked in, and the TV switched on.

Our house was ALIVE!

"Oh my god!" we both exclaimed, jumping out of our seats.

"The power's on!" yelled Bella, jumping up and down as she hugged me. If I wasn't so happy about the fact that we had our utilities back, I would totally have gotten a boner when her boobs rubbed against my chest.

"Did you do this?" she asked, her eyes wide.

I shook my head "Fuck no, I used all the bills for fire lighters."

Bella stopped jumping and her eyes met mine. I could feel one single thought pass from her mind into mine, like we were Jedi's using our mind tricks.

"The water," I said quietly, and the two of us ran into the kitchen at full tilt, and in a move uncharacteristically graceful, Bella vaulted over the couch, throwing her legs over and landing in the kitchen.

I ran to the kitchen sink and turned the tap on, and after a loud hiss and some banging in the pipes, fresh, clean water flowed.

"Oh my god!" screamed Bella. "We can shower again! No more fucking baby wipes!"

"We are liquid!" I shouted, fist-pumping the air and doing a little dance, which may have been a robot dance, because I am the fucking KING of the robot dance.

A knock on the front door halted our celebrations and Bella ran to the door, throwing it open, revealing our entire crew with huge smiles on their faces.

"Greetings," said Jasper, pretending to tip his hat. "Have you heard the good news about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?"

"Oh my god! Did you guys do this?" I asked, looking at Emmett who had an especially large grin on his face.

"Well," he said, pushing Jasper aside as his huge frame lumbered through our doorway. "We all got sick of you two dick-wads showering at our places. So we took up a collection and chipped away at your mountain of debt."

"You paid our bills?" asked Bella, astounded.

"Not all of them," baulked Toots. "Just the last month. We figured with the pure gold we filmed last night, you guys will be set."

Both Bella and I blushed.

"How the fuck did you afford that?" I asked as Mike and Jasper followed Emmett inside.

"I sold some collectibles," said Emmett.

"I called in a favour and got Mike and I a few bachelor party gigs," said Toots as she and Mike took a seat on the couch.

"But how the fuck did you get them to turn it on so fast?" asked Bella.

I hadn't even noticed Lauren until she stepped out from behind Emmett. "One of my clients works for power and light, so he did me a favour and in return I gave him..."

"Whoa!" we all cried, our hands up.

"Lauren, how many times do I need to tell you?" said Emmett loudly. "We do NOT need to hear about the intimate details of your job."

Jasper snorted. "Speak for yourself."

"Oh, you guys," said Bella quietly, and I could see the tiniest hint of a tear in the corner of her eye. Pulling her close, I gave her a big hug, holding her tight and patting her back as she took it all in.

She had every right to be amazed. Here we were talking these guys into filming an amateur porn, which, to be honest, I'm not even sure was legal, we monopolised their time and their money, and they paid _our _bills! How does one find these friends?

"You guys didn't have to do this," I said as Emmett threw a heavy arm over my shoulder, rubbing his hand roughly over Bella's head, messing up her hair.

"It's all good, guys."

"Yeah," added Mike. "You guys didn't have to put us in your movie.

"Or let us shoot it," said Jasper.

"Or produce it," echoed Emmett.

"Or let us be in it," said Lauren.

"We already said that, sweetie," whispered Toots to Lauren, patting her leg softly.

"I don't even know what to say," said Bella.

"That's because Bitch is your native tongue, Smella!" teased Emmett. "But, you can start by giving us all the night off. I feel a party coming on!"

"But we still have filming to do," I argued.

Bella looked up at me and smiled pleadingly, and my heart started beating so hard I thought it was going to beat right through my chest, like in the movie _Alien_, but more romantic, and without the killing spree.

"I don't know, we still have a few more scenes to do..."

Emmett raised an eyebrow as he clamped a big sweaty hand over my mouth. "Look, I didn't wanna have to do this, but I'm going to have to pull rank. As the producer I am officially shutting this movie down for the night."

Bella shrugged as I tried to wrestle out of Emmett's grip. "He's got a point, Edward. Maybe just one night to blow off some steam?"

Emmett nodded, letting go of my mouth to give Bella a high five. "The force is strong with this one," he whispered pointing to Bella.

I rolled my eyes, giving in. "Okay, fine."

The whole room erupted into a round of cheers and Bella and I just grinned at each other as Emmett threw an arm over each of us, pulling us into a tight group hug. "Hell yes!" he yelled. "Let's all get a little silly!"

I couldn't help but laugh as everyone suddenly started doing the robot in our lounge room; even Lauren had some pretty okay moves, like a super-whore robot from the future.

Carlisle carried in a carton of beer and before long Emmett had commandeered the CD player, playing everything from cheesy eighties love ballads to gangster rap.

I felt a tug on my arm, and turned to see Bella at my side. "I'm going to grab a shower. Save me a beer, okay?"

I nodded and watched as she snuck down the hallway and into the bathroom, that annoying tugging feeling reappearing as soon as she closed the door.

"Here," said a voice from behind me, and I spun around to see Carlisle with a beer in his hand. "You look like you need this."

Thanking him, I took the beer and chugged half of it quickly, wincing as the cold bubbles tingled in my throat.

We stood in silence for at least a minute, and I racked my brain trying to think of something to talk to him about. It suddenly struck me that other than the basics, I knew nothing about the guy. But as I opened my mouth to say something Carlisle tipped his bottle towards mine with a nod, and then walked away, moving across the room to fiddle with the stereo speakers.

He was an odd dude - a nice guy, but really quite strange.

I flopped on the sofa beside Emmett, who was already deep in conversation with Jasper.

"Here's what you do," he said, putting his beer on the floor by his feet. "You get one of the those plastic sandwich bag thingies, you know the ones with the zip-lock thing?"

Jasper nodded.

"You fill it full of Vaseline, or lotion, or whatever floats your boat. Then, you shove the bag between your couch cushions, like this," he said, demonstrating by lifting the sofa cushion and shoving his hand underneath. "Then, you put your schlong in the bag and you fuck it!"

Both Jasper and I were stunned into silence.

"What?" baulked Emmett. "It totally feels like the real thing."

Jasper turned to me, his expression mimicking my own disgust. "Remind me never to sit on your sofa at work, Edward."

I nodded slowly. "And I'm throwing out any sandwich baggies I see lying around the shop."

Emmett waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. You'll thank me the next time you go through a dry spell."

Jasper's brow creased and he scratched his chin. "Dry spell? Emmett, aren't you married?"

I snorted and Emmett glowered at me. "Correct, Jasper. I am indeed married. But marriage, Jasper..." he paused for dramatic effect, and I leaned in interested to hear Emmett's take on marriage.

"Marriage, Jasper..." he continued after taking a long sip of his beer, "is like those stupid little spoons at the ice cream shop. You taste the ice cream, and it tastes good," he said, drawing out the word good as he waggled his eyebrows. "So you think, what the hell, I'll buy the whole tub. In buying the ice cream you figure you get to take it home and have tasty ice cream whenever you want."

"I like ice cream," Jasper said quietly, completely engrossed in Emmett's asinine analogy.

Emmett leaned forward like he was some tribal elder telling a story around a campfire.

"We all like ice cream, Jasper. It tastes good, and it makes us happy. But when you buy the whole tub, things change. It starts to make you feel sick, and you have to work extra hard to get any at all, because all of a sudden it's tired, or it has a headache. And then one day you think to yourself, what about all the other flavours, huh?"

I rolled my eyes as Jasper nodded, listening intently as Emmett continued.

"I mean, I like choc-chip. I like strawberry. But no, I bought the whole tub, and now I'm stuck with plain old toffee ice cream for the rest of my life. Bitching, angry, whining, screaming, cock-blocking toffee."

"Dude," whispered Jasper, his eyes wide. "I never knew."

I narrowed my eyes at the both of them. "You're a tool, Emmett. That ice cream analogy is the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Emmett shook his head. "Whatever you say, Ed. Just don't come crying to me when you're stuck with vanilla for the rest of your life," he said, gesturing his head toward Bella.

I stood up off the couch with a huff. "Fuck you, I happen to like vanilla."

"Hey!" called Toots as I walked by them. "Come and dance!"

I laughed shaking my head as I side-stepped a booty shaking Mike. "I don't dance."

"Aw, come on," he said as he shook his shoulders back and forth toward me. "Everyone can dance!"

"Edward can't," said Bella, who had snuck up behind me. "He looks like a chicken being electrocuted," she smirked, taking a swig of her beer.

"I do not," I replied with a snort. Bella's hair was still wet from the shower, draped over one shoulder, and the smell of her shampoo mixed with the smell of her skin, fresh and warm, gave me tingles in places I never knew I could get tingles.

The smell of her skin? Tingles? Christ on a cracker it was like I had grown my very own vagina.

"You do too!" she argued. "You do this thing with your head, and then your body goes all floopy..."

"Floopy? Is that even a word?"

She nodded. "Yeah, floopy. Like this." She then proceeded to do the most ridiculous looking dance that I had ever seen. Her head was bobbing from side to side like a chicken, and her arms were flailing around like they weren't even attached to her body.

"Pssht," I said waving my hand at her. "That's so not true. I can dance. At least I don't look like Beyonce's uglier, more physically inept cousin."

Bella stopped jiggling like an "electrocuted chicken" and raised an eyebrow at me. "Say what?" she squawked, before breaking into what can only be described as some bizarre mating ritual dance. Her arms pumped back and forth while her ass jiggled super fast. If she actually _had _an ass, it would have been wobbling like Jell-o. "Don't talk whack about my dancing skills, Edward. You know I have the moves," she said over her shoulder, and I swear, either she had something in her eye, or she winked at me.

Again, this weird feeling sunk into my chest, like a tight, heavy weight. It took a long drink from my beer to put a dampener on the girlish squeak that wanted to pop out. I watched her for a bit, dancing and messing around with the other girls. But I didn't want to seem like I was staring at her like some weird stalker dude, so I tried to play it cool by dancing a little with Lauren when she came over. Electrocuted chicken be damned.

"I don't remember your place being this nice," said Lauren as she danced beside me. The smell of her nasty ass Britney Spears perfume was so strong it was making my eyes water, so I took a little step back.

"Uh, yeah," I squeaked. "Well, Bella cleaned it up really good, so it looks a bit nicer, I guess."

Lauren smiled and moved closer, trailing a finger up my arm. "And I suppose I didn't get to see anything but the sofa last time, huh?"

I really didn't want to have this conversation with her. The one and only time I'd used her...um...services, I was so drunk that I'd passed out straight after. I cleared my throat. She must bathe in her perfume, it was so strong I had to lean away to get a breath of fresh air. "Yeah, I guess not."

"You know," she said, putting a hand on my chest. "I think I kind of owe you, since last time was so quick and all."

The beer that was in my mouth exploded out of my lips, covering Lauren's face and tits. I didn't know whether to be scared that she was offering me a freebie, or wounded that she'd commented on my lacklustre performance. Which, by the way, was totally due to the two-dozen or so beers that Emmett had shoved down my throat that night.

Lauren wiped her face with her sleeve, and I wiped my mouth. "L-Lauren," I stuttered. "It's not that I didn't...I mean, you're...and...well I'm..."

She cocked her head to the side and her mouth dropped open a little. "Oh my god, I'm so clueless sometimes," she said quietly.

"Huh?"

"You're in love with Bella, aren't you?"

I swallowed hard, trying to think of something to tell her, but instead, I just nodded.

The more I said it, the more I realised it was true. I really did love Bella. And not in an "I love Cheez-Its" kind of way. In a real, heart-bursting, spine-tingling, pit of my stomach kind of way.

I smiled and she smiled back, nodding. "Well, too bad for me I guess, but great for Bella. You're a catch."

I blushed, scrunching up my face. "Thanks."

"I think I'm going to go and dance with Emmett," she said, giving a little wave over her shoulder.

When I looked around everyone was up and dancing to the loud music that blared on our CD player. They all were all laughing and grinding up on each other as the bass from the music vibrated through the floor and walls. Emmett looked like was in heaven, with Lauren and Toots on either side of him, gyrating and moving to the music. Even Carlisle, who didn't seem like much of a dancer was bobbing his head and shimmying a little.

We partied well into the night. We danced like idiots, we sang stupid cheesy pop songs, and Emmett and I had a competition to see who could name as many Marvel comic heroes as possible.

I won.

By three in the morning Emmett was passed out on the floor with Mike curled up beside him, his head laying on Emmett's chest. Both Carlisle and I took photos for future use, and Bella, Lauren and Toots were still playing a drinking game at the table, while Jasper and I sat on the sofa.

I was almost asleep, the copious amounts of alcohol in my system had made my eyelids heavy and my body felt like lead.

"So, what was it like?" whispered Jasper from the seat beside me.

Snorting, I wrenched my eyes open and turned my head in his direction. "What? What was what like?"

Jasper gestured towards the kitchen. "Doing the nasty with Bella."

I tried to clear my alcohol addled brain to better understand Jasper's question. "I don't know," I groaned, running my hands over my face. "Great, I guess. Why?"

"Well, as you know it's our scene tomorrow."

My stomach flipped and gurgled. I had almost forgotten that Bella and Jasper's scene was the following day. Just the thought of having to watch her with someone else made me feel sick to my stomach.

"Oh, yeah. So it is," I replied, trying to act nonchalant.

"So, I been thinkin'..."

"Oh, yeah?" I butt in. "You managed to pool some blood to your other head for a while?"

"Uh, yeah. Wait, what?"

I waved my hand dismissively. "Never mind. Continue."

Jasper nodded, moving closer to me on the sofa. "I was thinking...well, I've been thinking that maybe I need to get some practise in before the big day."

I sighed deeply, so very, very ready for bed. "Yeah, sure. I'm sure Lauren would be up for the job."

Jasper shook his head. "Well, see here's the pickle. I think maybe I should practise with Bella. I mean, I gotta know which buttons to push when I get down there, you know?"

My eyes flew open and I couldn't help but glare at Jasper. "You want to have sex with my...I mean, with Bella?"

Jasper nodded.

The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach returned with full force, almost expelling its contents all over our carpet. "And you're what? Asking my permission?"

Jasper nodded again. "If you don't think it's a good idea, I won't do it buddy. Bros before hos and all that."

If it had been anyone else, I would have bitch slapped his ass and told him to back the fuck off. But it was Jasper. And Jasper didn't have a clue about my feelings for Bella, and to be honest I was not relishing the idea of telling him in case he started running his big southern mouth.

So I made the stupidest decision I'd ever made in my entire life.

"Whatever you want to do Jasper, it's fine with me."

Jasper's eyes widened. "Really? I mean, you're okay with it?"

I nodded, swallowing the bile as it rose in my throat. "I'm not married to the girl, Jasper."

"Yeah, but you two looked pretty...into each other last night."

"Well," I said, looking over the top of the sofa at Bella who was in the middle of chugging a bottle of beer. "We're just good actors."

A smile lit up Jasper's face as he stood up. "Okay, well, if you're okay with it."

And just like that he was off, making his way over to Bella. The only hope I had was that she would turn him down. And fuck me if I didn't hang on to that hope with every shred of my being. On one hand, if she turned him down I knew that maybe she was having the same feelings that I was. But on the other, if she didn't turn him down, then I would know once and for all that the feelings were one sided.

I peered over the back of the sofa, watching as Jasper sidled up to Bella, sitting on the table beside her.

I gulped as he leaned in, whispering in her ear.

Bella looked at Jasper, her face twisted in confusion for a moment before her eyes met mine.

What was I supposed to do, give her a thumbs up?

No, instead, I did the pussy thing and just sat there, looking back at her, hoping that she could read my mind.

But I was wrong.

She didn't read my mind, and she didn't turn him down.

And I watched in horror as she took Jasper's hand and followed him down the hallway to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

* * *

**AN: Okay, one quick thing. A few people asked whether or not E/B used protection. This is a crack fic, and unplanned pregnancy is no laughing matter, unless it's '16 and Pregnant' - then it is. Anyway, they did use protection, I just didn't feel the need to write about it.**

**Finally, I'm going to play pimp again. My girl _albymangroves _has a new story on the go, and it's called _The Dark Muse_. It's fucking brilliant - SERIOUSLY! Check out my favorites for the link. It's dark, it's mysterious and it's creepy, but so beautifully written. Read it, read it now.**

**Live long a prosper. (And review) xx Wink  
**


	13. Itty Bitty Gang Bang

**It's been UNDER a month. Crazy, I know, but this chapter just itched to get out.**

**I really hope I don't get lynched, just remember I love you all. Seriously, your reviews were classic, and kind of scary.**

***hearts* to Albymangroves for being SUPERBETA in the time of need. This chapter is also dedicated to lonewolfskid - I hope this gets a butt wiggle out of you :)**

**Read on...**

* * *

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. I also don't own ZAMMAP - Kevin Smith does. I just take their characters and smoosh them together.

* * *

**Chapter 12 - Itty Bitty Gang Bang**

They say before you die, you see your life flash before your eyes.

Well, either I was dying or I was having the strangest dream on earth. Every touch, every awkward half-smile, every laugh and every argument I'd ever had with Edward was flashing through my mind, one after another. It was like watching a thriller movie for the second time. You know the ending now, you know there's a twist at the end, so you re-watch it, picking up all the subtle nuances, the gestures, the side-long glances that clue you into the bigger picture - the twisty ending.

Even my stupid brain knew I was in love with Edward before I did. That asshole.

I rolled over onto my stomach, ready to bury my face into the pillow, when I was startled, my hand connecting with a warm body beside me.

Keeping my eyes closed, I gently poked and prodded, trying to decipher who it was.

Firm, warm, a little hairy, and naked. Definitely naked. Shit.

My whole body tensed as I tried to remember who the fuck it was. I knew that drinking game with Toots was a bad idea; the woman had an iron gut.

I opened one eye slowly, hoping to see a shock of bronze hair, a broad expanse of pale skin, a pair of green eyes staring back at me. Instead, I was shocked to see a head of sandy blond hair - Jasper.

Without thinking, I rolled over away from his sleeping form. But of course, because the universe couldn't see fit to give me a goddamn break, I rolled out too far, too fast, and fell with a thunderous thump onto the floor.

"Oomph!"

I sat up quickly, peeking over the top of the mattress and breathing a sigh of relief when I noticed Jasper hadn't moved an inch. His legs were still wrapped in my sheets, his feet poking out of the bottom, his hand tucked under the pillow. The only sign I had that he was still alive, was the quiet rise and fall of his chest...and the fucking gigantic tent he was pitching in my sheets. Seriously, it needed its own zip code, or zoning permits at least. A Mexican family could hide under there and never be found. Whatever, you get the idea - it was huge, and it was sticking right up in the air.

Overcome with curiosity, I crawled across the bed and poked it a little with my finger, freezing as Jasper snorted a little before smiling and mumbling incoherently, still fast asleep.

"Fucking midgets...and peanut butter..."

I cupped my hands over my mouth, stifling a laugh as I leaned forward again, poking it a little harder. I watched it give a little before swinging back with full force, almost whacking me in the face. It was like a punching bag, it just swung back and forth, side to side. I had the sudden urge to jump around with my hands in the air to the tune of 'Eye of the Tiger'.

"Mmmph...I told them not to use the crunchy...I only like the smooth..."

I shook my head as I leaned back, looking at Jasper and his ginormous dick. There was no way that thing was inside of me last night. Was there? I clenched my pelvic floor quickly, beyond relived when there was no sign of pain.

Jasper took a deep breath and his mouth fell open a little as his hand moved down to scratch his balls. Panicking, I leaped off the bed and out of the door, locking myself in the bathroom.

It was a pussy thing to do, but I was fucked up, I couldn't even remember going to bed let alone what might have happened there. But just the thought that something _might _have happened made me feel physically ill and not just because it was Jasper. There was something there with Edward, and even alcohol-fuelled short-term memory loss couldn't erase that.

I sat on the side of the tub, wracking my brain, trying to remember the night before. All I could remember was beer, lots and lots of beer. Trying a new tactic, I tried to piece together my memory using what knowledge I already had.

One; Jasper was in my bed. _Fuck_. There was no way I would have fooled around with Jasper, not after everything with Edward. He meant more to me than that, and believe it or not, I was not that stupid. Just the thought of kissing someone else made my stomach turn. Not to mention the fact that it was Jasper in my bed...and just...no.

I groaned as I realised that the next scene in the movie was supposed to be mine and Jasper's. How the fuck would I get through that? I had to do something. If the roles were reversed and I had to watch Edward and - ugh - Lauren, it would break my fucking heart.

Something had to be done, and I was the someone to do that something.

Filled with determination I had a quick shower, brushed the taste of ass out of my mouth, and stormed back over to my room. I threw open the door, ready for a word or two with Mr. Whitcock.

But my bed was empty, and unmade. That ungrateful jerk. Nothing but a note on my desk.

_"Thanks for last night. I owe you xx Jazz."_

Double fuck. There was a winky face and all. What does that mean? _"I owe you?"_ What the hell for? I had to find out what was going on. I had to talk to Jasper, and shit, I had to talk to Edward.

Making myself half presentable, I knocked on Edward's bedroom door before opening it slowly.

Empty, again!

I couldn't hear any noise from the house; normally if he were home he'd be rummaging through the cupboards for breakfast, or watching TV or some bullshit like that. But instead, I was all alone.

The house was a complete disaster. Empty beer bottles littered the floor and counter tops; the kitchen table was covered with sticky playing cards and puddles of beer. I gathered all of the empty pizza boxes and tossed them into the recycling, frowning when I noticed footprints on the coffee table. Apparently someone thought it was a good idea to dance on the coffee table. In all honesty, it was probably me.

It took me a good three hours to get our house back into order, and Edward still hadn't come home.

I grabbed my phone and dialled his number, stomping my foot petulantly when it went straight to voicemail. Determined not to give up, I called the only other person I knew that kept tabs on Edward - Emmett.

"B town!" he crowed when he answered. "What's up?"

"Have you seen Edward?"

"Yeah, he's here. Didn't he tell you? He picked up another shift, something about needing the extra money."

I couldn't understand why Edward would want to pick up an extra day. It meat that he would be working six days a week when he didn't need to, since we would have more than enough money from the movie. So, what the shit?

"Can I talk to him, Em?" I asked.

"Sure thang, chicken wang."

I listened as he covered the mouth piece, barely making out his voice on the other end. It was muffled, but I could still hear his end of the conversation as he spoke to Edward.

"What?...But it's Bella...Why?...Okay, okay, whatever." His hand uncovered the phone and he cleared his throat. "You still there?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, yeah. Edward's with a customer right now. But he just said to come by tonight for your scene. We'll get everything ready."

"O...Okay," I agreed hesitantly. "I'll see you about nine then."

I hung up feeling confused and my stomach churned as a thought popped into my head. Did Edward think Jasper and I slept together? Did he know Jasper stayed last night?

"Fuck!" I spat, smacking my fist against my head, trying to make my brain remember.

With trembling hands I dialled Jasper's number, and luckily he picked up on the second ring.

"Hey sleeping beauty," he drawled, his twangy southern accent grating on my nerves instantly.

"What the fuck, Jasper? What the hell happened last night? And why did you just leave this morning? And what's up with that note? I owe you? Owe you for what?"

"Whoa Nelly!" interrupted Jasper. "Back up there sweet cheeks. You don't remember anything about last night?"

Did they breed them stupid in the south? Was there something in the water down there? Was he part of some bizarre cult of inbred hicks?

"No, Jasper you moronic, cowboy ass-muncher! I obviously don't remember, so how about you enlighten me?"

"Okay. One; I take offense to being called an ass-muncher, thank you very much. Two; I left you a note so you didn't think I just left without saying thanks. I owe you for last night for being such a great friend and listening to my shit without judgement. And I left this morning because I figured you and Edward would have a lot to talk about."

"So, you mean...we didn't sleep together?"

Jasper snorted. "Not likely, Bella. I can't believe you don't remember anything."

I sighed, half relieved, half confused, half exhausted, a quarter apprehensive and a third nervous. That's a whole lot of fucked up. "Just tell me what happened."

"Well, I've seen the way you and Edward have been looking at each other. Ever since your scene together you two have been happier than a pair of ticks on a fat dog. I figured I had to do something to get the ball rolling, Lord knows you two needed a firecracker up your asses. So, I told Edward that I wanted to practise our scene..."

My mouth dropped open. "You what? Jasper, tell me you didn't tell him you wanted to fuck me."

"It was in your best interest, Bells. I knew that he would fight for you, even if it took a kick up his cute backside."

"That is the most screwed up logic I've ever heard, you ass-hat."

It was screwy logic at it's best. Although, I didn't want to admit it, but at the same time it was kind of genius, except for the fact that he obviously _hadn't _fought for me, because I woke up with Jasper beside me.

"What did he do? Did he try to stop you?" I asked, pressing him for more information.

"Well," Oh god it didn't sound good. "He didn't try to stop me. But he did look madder than a cut snake."

"Do you...do you think he's still upset? I mean, you told him we didn't do anything, right?"

The line was silent for a moment. "Jasper?"

"Uh, about that."

"Jasper!"

"Calm down, it was obvious that he feels the same way. Just talk to him, tell him nothin' happened. In fact, I'll bet he's thinking of a way to win you back already."

"Win me back?" I cried. "This isn't Rogers and Hammerstein you twat! He's not going to challenge you to a duel. Jesus!"

"Look, all I'm sayin' is you two have some serious talking to do. I just gave you the push you needed to do it," Jasper replied.

I mulled over Jasper's comments for a moment. Edward had to know that I would never go and do something like that. A few months ago? Sure, I would have tapped that. After everything we'd been through, and after I'd told him in no uncertain terms that I'd felt something for him, he had to know that it wasn't just sex. He knew me better to think that I would sleep with Jasper, I just knew it.

"Hang on a minute," I snapped. "When I asked if we slept together, you said _not likely_. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Jasper laughed. "Aw, darlin'..."

"Don't darlin' me, spit it out."

"Bella, I'm gay."

Well slap my ass and call me a monkey. "You what?"

"I'm gay. I like men. I prefer cock."

"Well...wow...I did not expect that, at all. So you are an ass-muncher?"

He laughed loudly. "I told you last night. We stayed up talking about it until you passed out face-down in my lap."

I was still kind of shocked, but it did sound familiar. Still, Jasper had always come across as such a ladies man. A complete douche, but still like a guy who always got a lot of pussy. What a waste of good cock.

"Well fuck, what are we going to do about tonight's scene then? Do you want me to change it?" I asked when it suddenly occurred to me that Jasper may have an aversion to vagina.

"Ugh, could you?" he pleaded. "Lauren's snatch was enough to turn my stomach for days. I still can't believe Edward hit that."

"Gross, could we not go there please?" I begged as my brain was assaulted by vicious images of Edward and Lauren defiling the couch I was currently sitting on. .

I punched the cushion for good measure. "I'll have to re-write the entire scene. We'll just have to use the same costumes and whatever, there's no time to change it."

"Thanks. You know, if you could figure a scene with Edward and I..."

"Oh, ew. Jasper, you've gone wrong. Anyway, if you have it your way, you two will be duelling at sundown for my virtue. So no sexy times for you two."

"What virtue?" he said with a snort. "Anyway, he's got such a cute butt! And those long fingers..."

He did have long fingers, and a very cute butt, all firm and smooth like a little bubble. A bubble-butt, my bubble-butt.

"You just keep your thoughts to yourself there Whitcock."

He laughed heartily. "I'm joking! Anyway, I have things to do. So I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll figure something out."

Somewhat settled, I sat down to re-write the night's script. It wasn't like there was a whole lot of dialogue for them to learn. "Oh yeah," and "Right there, baby" was not really brain-meltingly hard to remember. I stopped into the twenty-four hour copy centre to run off a few copies of the script changes before I went to Your Motherboard.

Luckily I was early, and Emmett hadn't set up too much before I gave him the changes.

"Girl on girl?" he squealed, his eyes alight as he executed a huge fist pump, his whole body lifting off the floor. "Fuck, yes!"

I handed Toots the script. "I thought Layhim Whorey and Jizzica Manly could totally get it on," I said, hoping that Toots would be up for the job. "The fans all love that slash shit, right?"

"Totally! Hell, you could put JLo in a movie with some girl on girl action and it would do well," agreed Toots. "The girls go crazy for that vampire love story, Midnight or whatever it's called. You should see the fans - insane!" she said, circling her finger beside her head.

I nodded, stepping a little closer. "Yeah, but have you seen the dude who plays Bedward?"

Toot's eyes widened and she nodded, fanning herself dramatically. "Robert Flattinson? Man, that guy is hot!"

Toots was right, the boy was damn fine. It may have been the fact that he looked an awful lot like Edward, but still, I'd let him put it anywhere.

I handed the script to Carlisle and Mike who were also in early. "Where's Edward?"

"Here," replied a voice, and I turned to see him stroll in from the back room.

It was alarming the way my whole body reacted to him; relaxing and tingling all at the same time. My heart raced and my muscles didn't know whether to relax or stiffen - it was really quite tiring.

"You didn't tell me you were working today," I said, standing beside him.

He shrugged, looking at his feet with a frown. "Yeah, well, here I am."

My head snapped up at his snippy tone, and I really looked at him. His lips were set in a thin line, his brow furrowed deep as his eyes looked anywhere but at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, nudging him gently.

"Nothing" he replied, stepping away from me slightly. I could see there was obviously something up, and I knew what it was, I was just really hoping not to have this conversation with him here. But the fact was, we were going to have to have it out. Mano-a-mano, er, woman-o.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked, and he just shrugged. "Out the back?"

With what sounded like an annoyed sigh, he turned and I followed him out into the staff room, closing the door behind us.

"Why are you being weird?" I asked.

"I'm not being weird," he replied, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Edward, I've known you for half my life, I know when there's something up. Is it this thing with Jasper? Because..."

"I'm fine!" he said loudly, throwing his arms in the air. "I just want to get this scene started. I know you and Jasper must be real anxious to get into each other's pants again."

It felt like a slap in the face; the realization that Edward had absolutely no trust in me whatsoever. That he did think that Jasper and I slept together, and that he didn't do a thing about it.

"Excuse me?"

Edward rolled his eyes. "You know exactly what I'm talking about, Bella. You and Jasper."

"Jasper told me, you told him to go for it."

Edward spun around glared at me. "I didn't think you would say yes! Jesus Christ Bella, I get it, I mean he has a huge dick, whatever. But it's Jasper for fuck's sake."

Feeling his words as though they were another slap, my skin still raw from the last, I suddenly saw everything unravel in front of me. "You fucking asshole. It was a test wasn't it? You told him it was okay so you could see if I would say yes?"

Edward's eyes narrowed. "Well if it was a test, how do you think you went?"

I was so enraged that my hands were shaking The person I thought I knew the best, the one person who was supposed to support me and care for me, the person I fucking loved with every molecule in my body - had played me.

How could someone with feelings for me, toy with my feelings like that?

So I did the only thing I knew how to do in situations like this; I got bitchy.

"Fuck you," I spat. "We had a deal, Edward; no feelings. Don't grow a fucking vagina on me now."

I could see the change in him immediately, my words hit him like a returned blow right to his chest, and he crumpled slightly. "Is that all it was to you? Just sex, and nothing else?"

I shrugged. It was my turn to look anywhere but at him, I knew the look in his eyes would be my undoing.

His voice was laced with anger. "So you fucked me like you fucked Jasper and every other asshole in town?"

My skin heated and I could feel the blood rising in my cheeks. "It was not like that, and you know it. Anyway, I saw you and Lauren at the party last night, you two seemed real cosy."

Edward just shook his head. "Once was enough, believe me. Anyway, I can't believe you're holding that against me. It was months ago, and it was before..."

He stopped abruptly, running his hands through his hair, his fingers gripping it so tightly I thought he might actually rip it clean out.

But my anger was so palpable, nothing he said or did would remove the red haze from my blurred vision. "Before what? Before you bitched out and sprouted all these feelings? When will you realize...We. Just. Fucked."

My voice broke slightly, and I could feel my throat constricting as I forced the tears down. I would not let him see me cry over this. I would make him believe I didn't care, that he couldn't hurt me, that I didn't feel anything more than friendship towards him.

The silence was heavy like lead as Edward just looked at me. But I was a coward; I couldn't even look at him, instead looking past him at a spot on the wall.

When he spoke again, his voice was softer, but still ringing with sadness. "I love you Isabella Swan. If that's what I need to say to stop you from fucking Jasper, then so be it. I fucking love you. I have for who knows how long, probably my entire life."

My heart stopped beating, clenching uncomfortably as his words registered. He did love me.

"But now," he continued, and I swear I stopped breathing, waiting for him to finish. "I can't even look at you without thinking about Jasper. About the way he had his hands all over you," his voice changed, laced with venom and disdain as he continued, "and the fact that you let him."

"And what if I didn't fuck him?" I replied.

Edward shook his head, and I could see the pain and disgust in his eyes. "But you did," he replied. "And you didn't even put up a fight, you just went with him."

He was angry that I didn't put up a fight? Who was he to say things like that? He was the one who was supposed to fight for me.

"It's not like you put up a fight either," I said quietly, my eyes locked on the floor at my feet.

I could feel him step a little closer, the closeness of him sending my heart racing. Silently, I begged him to touch me, to put his hand in mine, his arms around me, anything. But instead, he shot a final barb straight through my heart.

"Well if what your saying is true, what would I be fighting for? According to you, we just fucked."

A searing pain shot through me at the knowledge that my words had hit their mark. He believed the lie, and as much as I wanted to rewind time and take it all back, it was too late, what was done, was done. It was obvious that he'd already made his decision. Whatever I said, whatever I did to try and change his mind, would only be accepted as a lie.

I took a step back, moving my body away from his, wrapping my arms around my chest. "This is so unfair."

"What? It's unfair?" asked Edward. "You think it's unfair that I love you?"

I shook my head, finally lifting my eyes to meet his, my expression blank and emotionless. "No you asshole. It's _unfortunate _that you love me. It's _unfair _that you felt the need to unburden your soul about it today!"

And dammit, I was right! If he'd been inclined to tell me this yesterday, to spill his guts and tell me how he was feeling, things would have been different; mistakes wouldn't have been made on either of our parts. But they had been made, mistake after mistake, lie after lie, with each one more painful than the last.

He stepped back, and all of the air left my lungs as I realized he was walking away.

"You know what?" he said quietly. "I don't care anymore. I don't. Do what you want."

I jumped as he slammed the office door, and it wasn't until I heard the slam of the back door that I knew he was gone.

I was heart broken, scared, shocked, but most of all angry. My heart felt like it had been put in a vice. My chest was tight and my eyes burned with tears as the pain radiated through my chest and into my lungs, every breath aching.

I ripped the door open, not even flinching as the handle slammed into the plaster.

I walked into the set just as Lauren was wrapping up.

"Oh shit!" cried Carlisle as he reeled backwards, falling on his ass as he stared at the lens of his camera. "She just fucking painted my camera lens! What the fuck?"

Lauren giggled her obnoxious girly giggle, and I had to fight the rising urge to walk over and punch her in the mouth. Or the vag. Or both.

"Oops," she said with another giggle. "I forgot to tell you. I kind of get a little messy at the end there."

Fucking squirter.

I grabbed my things and stormed past Emmett.

"Where the fuck are you going?" he called as I pushed through the doors, ignoring him as he shouted after me.

A block from the shop, panting and shivering, I finally cried. I sat against a brick wall, my head in my knees, sobbing.

I don't know how long I sat there. It felt like hours, but it was probably only minutes later when a shadow appeared above me.

"Here, sweetie," said a quiet voice, and I looked up to see Toots kneeling in front of me, holding out her handkerchief.

I wiped my eyes roughly and blew my nose. "He's a fucking asshole. Stupid motherfucking, dick face, ass munching, shit head!"

With a sigh Toots sat down beside me. "I'm guessing you mean Edward, right?"

I nodded, sniffling. "He thinks I fucked Jasper."

"Did you?"

My head snapped towards her and my expression must have said it all.

"Okay," she conceded, her hands up in defense. "Did you tell Edward that?"

I shook my head. "I shouldn't have to! He didn't even wait for an explanation, he just assumed that I would be that much of a whore."

"Come on now Bella, I'm sure he doesn't think that. I think you need to talk to him calmly. Tell him that nothing happened with Jasper."

"He won't believe me," I snorted.

"What on earth makes you think that?" asked Toots, shocked.

I picked at the corner of the handkerchief. "I wouldn't."

Suddenly Toots was up, extending her hand to me. "Get up."

I groaned, shaking my head. "I want to wallow some more."

"Get the fuck up now," pressed Toots. "I'm not leaving you here to cry like a baby in the middle of Main Street. You look like a homeless woman."

"Where are you taking me?" I asked as I took her hand.

"Home," she said simply.

I stopped dead in the street. "No! I can't go back there!"

"Oh for god's sake!" said Toots loudly, turning to face me in the middle of the sidewalk. "You listen to me Isabella Swan. You need to put your big girl panties on and stop acting like a child. You are both so fucking blind! He likes you, are you that stupid that you can't see it? Shit, we all can!"

People were staring as they passed, watching as an irate redhead flailed her arms about wildly.

"I have no idea why you didn't tell Edward about what did or didn't happen with Jasper. I'm going to have to put it down to stupidity, because that's all I can come up with. Now; you're going to go home and you're going to make him listen to you. You are going to tell him the truth about Jasper, and about how you feel. Understand?"

I nodded, a little scared of the crazy.

Taking my hand, Toots led me back towards Your Motherboard where her car was parked.

"Get in," she said, pointing to the beat up old blue hatchback.

I buckled myself into the passenger side, flipping the visor down and flinching when I saw my own reflection.

"There's tissues and makeup in the glove compartment," said Toots, and I timidly looked over at her, smiling a little as she smiled back, giving a little wink.

She was right. I had been stupid. Stupid, and childish and stubborn as always.

Pride had always been my downfall, a major character flaw. I got it from Charlie; the inability to apologize or admit when I was wrong, and because of it, I'd just let my best friend walk out.

I had just completely fucked up the only good thing in my life.

I rummaged through her glove compartment, trying to ignore the boxes of condoms. Really, she had every flavour, colour and texture there was. Finding some makeup, I fixed my face up a little, trying to get rid of some of the puffiness under my eyes and wiping away the smeared mascara.

Before I knew it we had pulled up outside of my place.

I turned to Toots, suddenly scared shitless. "What do I say?"

"The truth," she answered, and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes. "You can do it, just go."

I lunged over the handbrake, giving her a tight hug.

"Do you want this back?" I asked, holding out her handkerchief.

Toots just grimaced as she looked down at the wet cloth in my hand. Pushing my hand back over the centre console towards me, she shook her head. "No, honey. You go ahead and keep that."

I slipped my hood up over my head before jumping out of the car. Half way up the drive I turned back to give Toots a smile, feeling a little braver as she smiled back, giving me the thumbs up.

I could do this. I would tell him how I felt, tell him the truth, tell him that I loved him, and everything would be fine.

"Edward?" I called, opening the front door.

Closing it gently, I toed off my shoes as I walked through the living room towards the hallway.

I could see light coming from Edward's room, and with a final breath, I steeled myself and pushed the door open.

It was empty.

Inconsequential belongings still littered the room; papers, video games and magazines. But the pieces of his room that were _him_; his Star Wars figurines, the dirty clothes on the floor, the pictures, were all gone. All that was left was a bare bed and an empty closet.

He was gone.

* * *

**A/N: I know. I know. But in all seriousness, this is about an angsty as I get.**

**Maybe take a breath before reviewing :)**

**My rec for all you fun-loving readers out there is ****'Vague Summaries & FanFiction Cliches' by jesicka309. It's slap your knee funny, and wet your pants ridiculous. If you can poke fun at some of the hilarity of our fandom, and love seeing well-used cliches at play (many of which I imagine are in this story), they this is the story for you.  
**

**Wink x**


	14. The Bone Ranger

**Hey Hey! **

** to ladyinblue and to albymangroves for their help. This chapter was harder to get out than expected.**

**Just to make things clear; we're over the tiny bit of drama. I'd like to welcome you all back to our regular programming...**

**

* * *

****Disclaimer: I don't get paid, I never will. No one is stupid enough to give me money for this shit, hence you'll never see me pulling to publish. Kevin Smith and SMeyer are the brains, I'm just the puppet.**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 13 - The Bone Ranger**

_Holy shit balls._

I was hotter than hell and sweating like a pregnant nun. Every pore in my body was dripping; even my eye balls were sweating. I could feel the warm, sticky sweat beading down my back and seeping into my boxers, soaking the material. I had no doubt that my nuts looked like tiny impressions of Emperor Palpatine; all shriveled and wrinkly, probably stuck to my thigh. I fleetingly thought about naming my balls the emperors, but next to the photon torpedo, the name seemed a bit strange.

_'If These Balls Could Talk'_ even struck me as another good name for a porn. But thinking about porn while working a kid's party only ended one of two ways: one, I would end up thinking about Bella and then getting all emo and mopey, or two, I would get a boner which was super awkward when surrounded by children.

"Misther Cheethe?" a small child lisped, tugging violently on the furry arm of my suit.

He had chocolate milk all over his shirt and his face was covered with red sauce from the pizza.

"Where are your panth, Misther?" he asked. His hands, sticky with god-knows what were still tugging on my arm.

The kid made a good point - where the hell were my pants? Who gives a six-foot rat a fucking purple shirt and hat, but no mother-flipping pants?

"Yeah?" piped up another kid before I could answer. And before I knew it they were multiplying - like Furbies, or worse - Gremlins. But, unlike Gremlins, I couldn't shove these little suckers into the microwave to get rid of them - at least, I didn't think. So, of course, they all started tugging at my stupid mascot outfit, pulling the long tail and sticking their grubby fingers into the grey fur.

Looking around desperately, I couldn't spot my uncle Peter anywhere. That ass was probably off chatting up all of the single mothers while I beat their rabid children off with the only weapons I had - my purple and green colored hat, and my tail.

I could see the Winnipeg Gazette headline: _Giant Rat Massacres Children with Rubber Tail'._

At least it was better than Tighty Whitey.

"Where are your pants, Chuck E?" they taunted, and oh my God, I felt like I was back in the fourth grade.

I turned to make a quick retreat from the hoards of frenzied children, when from the depths of hell appeared a man-child of a creature, his crazy eyes dilated with sugar-buzz and locked right on me.

He looked like the love child of Andre the Giant and a somewhat muscular bear, he had to have been at least four foot and built like a midget wrestler. There was no way that I would have had more than fifty pounds on him. He was one scary looking five year-old.

I took a step back as he thundered towards me with an evil glint in his eye, and before I could say "qaStaH nuq?", I had a size six kids shoe lodged in my balls.

The group of kids erupted into laughter as I crumpled to the floor, holding my over-sized rat hands to my groin as the pain radiated up into my stomach. Even as I lay, groaning and writhing in pain on the sticky floor of the Winnipeg Chuck E Cheese, the kids continued to pull and kick at the suit.

This is what my life had become: miserable, lonely, dressed in an over-sized rat costume. I was the epitome of emo - sans the shitty haircut.

I'd known as soon as I stepped back into the house that Bella and I had shared for years that there was no way I could live with looking at her every day. I wouldn't be able to look at her the same, the person who was once my best friend in the whole entire world, the person who had in fact, become my entire world. The things she said, the things I said...God, it made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I mean, I might be a socially-inept moron, but I knew that the things I'd said were hurtful too. But at the time, that's why I'd said them. Because that's what happens when you fool yourself into thinking that the girl you are in love with loves you back; you turn into a massive ass-hat.

So, I left. I took what little money I had, stuffed my life into a duffel bag, and left.

Yes, it was a douchey thing to do. But here's the truth - I'm a boy, and I do douchey things without thinking about the consequences, so deal with it.

I booked it out of Detroit, using what was left of my measly pay to get a one way bus trip to Milwaukee where I could wallow in my own self pity and fill the emptiness with my Aunt Jane's mac and cheese. For the first few days I refused to speak to anyone, communicating with a series of grunts and sighs like a fucking caveman. Jane and Alec were good about it, leaving me to steep in my own emo juices. But after an entire week and a half of crappy midday movies and 'Love Song Dedications', she'd finally had enough and shipped me off to stay with her brother in Canada. Of course, not before she told me to grow some balls and stop moping.

But that bitch didn't understand - I'd had my heart ripped out through my ass and that shit hurt. It left a wound. A big gaping, festering ass wound.

So I went, mostly because I had nowhere else to go, but also because I had put on about ten pounds since staying with her and Uncle Alec; her mac and cheese was like my kryptonite.

And don't get me wrong; Winnipeg is nice; all clean air, beautiful scenery and all that nature shit. But all that just isn't me. I mean, I'm allergic to bees, and there's poison ivy everywhere. Not to mention that the pollen and dust around there made my hay fever all kinds of fucked up. So, to sum it up; nature and I don't mix. Give me the dirty, smoggy, bitter-cold air of Detroit any day.

So anyway, that's how I found myself working double shifts at my Uncle Peter's Chuck E Cheese; earning five-fifty an hour, mopping up kids' vomit, and dressing like a paedophilic rat who didn't wear pants.

And, to top it all off, I still hadn't stopped thinking about Bella. She was still the first person I thought to call when I had a shit day, which it turned out was every damn day. She was the person I wanted to turn to when _The Golden Girls_ was making me laugh, because I swear Betty White got funnier with age. And she was the only person, the one fucking person in the entire world that I wanted to roll over and see in the morning. Even if she had ripped my heart from my chest, pummeled it with her fists, spat on it and then shoved it back in, still beating.

Finally, after the child-sized beat down had abated, I hobbled over to the staff room and changed. Only half way through working a double shift, I changed out of the costume and back into my hideous uniform, topping it all off with the brightly colored hat. I was already looking forward to going home and crawling into bed.

Since leaving Detroit, my life had become one long, monotonous routine.

Up at seven. Try not to think about Bella.

Shower, whack off whilst trying not to think about Bella. Fail, think about Bella and still whack off.

Go to work, contemplate throwing myself into the deep-fryer head first just to put an end to the continuous ache in my chest. Try not to think about Bella.

Finish work, go home, eat dinner, watch TV and shower again. Maybe whack off again seeing as in the absence of female companionship, I had turned into a sixteen year-old pubescent boy.

Go to bed and hope that I didn't dream about Bella. Fail. Rinse. Repeat.

And my Uncle Peter didn't make it any easier. Luckily, he wasn't actually my uncle, he was my Aunt Jane's sister's brother-in-law, or some shit like that. Whatever he was, he insisted that I didn't call him Uncle Peter, because it made him feel old.

He's forty-five.

When I'd first arrived in Winnipeg, he'd pretty much forced me to go out with him for a night, dragging me to some awful nightclub that had just opened in town.

Apart from the fact that I was in no mood to be surrounded by half-naked, barely legal girls, my uncle was no spring chicken and it was so fucking embarrassing.

He was wearing baggy jeans, kept calling everyone _'homie'_, and insisted on dancing like a Britney Spears back-up dancer all night. I've never been so glad to leave somewhere in my life.

But, as I found out the next day, it got worse. Not only did he drive a bright red convertible that would have been great if it wasn't over ten years old and clapped out, but he drove it with the top down while playing things like 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg at full volume.

And to top it off, he was the only person I knew these days that still wore a toupee.

Yeah, a rug.

The only reason I knew he wore it was that one morning he obviously hadn't glued it down properly, because the wind caught it and it almost flew right off his head.

Just as I emerged from the staff room, Peter strolled through the front doors. I think he was trying to copy that "swagger" that so many rappers had. Instead, he looked like a freak with a gimp leg.

"What up, Ed-wizzle?" he yelled across the restaurant.

"Hello, Peter," I replied, idly wondering if I could stuff myself into the pizza oven.

"Yo, Ed-dogg," he whispered conspiratorially, and I grimaced at yet another addition to my list of nicknames. "Check this shit. I got this fly-ass ho straight blowin' up my phone, yo! Bitch wants a piece of P-Crunk, she wanna take a ride on the gangsta express, fool!"

He grinned at me while I tried to comprehend what he'd just said.

"So you're saying you've met a lady who is apparently good looking, and you think she wants to sleep with you?"

"Fo-shizzle Ed-wizzle!"

I scratched my head, perplexed. "So what does this have to do with me?"

"Check it," he continued. "I gotta straight gangsta this shit. I can't be no playa hater in no damn Chuck-E-Cheeze outfit, man! She be all up in this shit in an hour, I gotta look fly before I tap that fine ass."

Listening to Peter's God-awful massacre of the English language was becoming increasingly infuriating and tiresome. The shift manager was eying me from behind the front counter, his eyes flickering between me and the clock in a not-so-subtle attempt to tell me to get my ass over there to start my shift.

"Just tell me what you want, Peter."

He stepped in a little closer. "Can you take over the drive-thru for me? Just for an hour or so?"

My forty-five year-old uncle wanted me to take over for him so that he could get some action? My life sucked massive hairy balls.

"Fine," I said, nodding. "But you owe me, I fucking hate drive."

"Off the hook!" hollered Peter, holding his hand out for his patented hand shake/shoulder bump. "You bad-ass, E-man. You just chill, I keep my homeboys in the skrilla."

_What does that even mean_? I thought to myself.

I slipped the headset on, grumbling about not throwing myself in the pizza oven when I had the chance as Peter grabbed his stuff to leave.

"Peace out!" he called over the front counter as he left.

The loud chime in my ear signaled that a car had pulled up, and I began the torturous eight hours of Chuck E Cheese drive-thru hell.

If I'd learned one thing since working at a fast food restaurant, it's that people are dicks.

Case in point - Mr. Douchebag in drive-thru.

"Can I get a large cheese pizza, hold the cheese?"

I rubbed the spot between my brows roughly. "Sir, that's just pizza base and tomato."

"Oh, okay. Well, just give me that and a large McNuggets meal."

What. The. Fuck?

"We don't sell McNuggets," I ground through my teeth. "Would you prefer garlic bread instead?"

"Umm..." The ear piece was silent for what felt like a year as the person in drive-thru pondered, fuck, I don't know, the meaning of life, while the cars no doubt banked up behind him.

"Okay, so I'll just get a large cheese pizza, with extra cheese and onion. And a large garlic bread with a side of chicken wings."

I almost sighed in relief as I keyed the order into the screen and the car finally moved up to my window.

"Nice uniform, douche bag," teased a voice from the drive.

Armed with a witty retort, I threw the window open, only to come face to face with Emmett mother-fucking McCarty.

"Wh...How?..," I gulped, trying not to burst into man-tears at the sight of him. It had been so long since I'd seen anyone I knew, let alone Emmett - my best friend.

Emmett snorted. "Nice to see you too."

"How did you know where I was?" I asked, surreptitiously eying the hot pink VW beetle he was squashed into.

He wiggled his brows suggestively. "I have my ways."

I frowned. "Aunt Jane?"

Emmett nodded, smiling sheepishly. "I may have bribed her to give me your address."

"What with?"

"A new ADSL link-up and a copy of Call Of Duty."

My ears suddenly perked up and I moved my headset aside. "The new one? Black ops?"

"Yeah," Emmett replied with a nod.

"Awesome graphics?" I asked. Emmett nodded, smiling.

I knew it would have! "Online multi-player mode?"

"Yeah."

"And I heard Gary Oldman is one of the voices in the game too?"

Emmett nodded. "Shyeah, he's a fucking cool dude."

"Yeah," I agreed, and Emmett nodded again.

We both laughed awkwardly, and I shifted my feet as I focused on a spot over Emmett's shoulder. I was both happy and nervous seeing him again. And I was also kind of jealous that Jane got a copy of Black Ops before I did.

A horn from a car behind Emmett blared suddenly, and Emmett leaned out of the driver's window, waving for him to wait a moment.

"I sure hope this pays better than Your Mother," teased Emmett lightly.

I shrugged. "No, not really, but I get a free pizza and soda every shift."

"Cool," answered Emmett quietly, and the awkward silence settled over us again.

"I'm not coming home," I said suddenly, and Emmett looked up at me.

"I just want to talk to you, man," he replied.

The car behind him honked again.

"Okay! Okay!" he yelled at the driver from the car window. "What time do you finish work?"

"About eight," I answered as another round of honking started.

"Give me a second!" Emmett yelled, louder this time as he hung his body out of his window, gesturing at the cars behind him.

"Okay, well. I'll come by and get you after?" he said, turning back to me.

"Did you bring me a copy of Black Ops?" I asked, half joking, half not.

A stupid grin broke out on Emmett's face. He knew that was as good as a yes for me.

"Whadd'ya think I am? A noob? I got you Black Ops _and_ Assassin's Creed."

My insides did the robot while my outsides stayed as calm as possible. "Deal. Hey, whose car is this?" I asked, gesturing to the bright pink vehicle with a butterfly hanging from the rear view and white fluffy seat covers.

"Oh," said Emmett, like he'd just realized he was still in the ridiculous car. "It's Rosie's."

A new wave of honking started, now joined by yelling from the other customers in the drive-thru. Red faced, Emmett opened the drivers-side door and stepped out. "Why don't you shut the fuck up, or I'll come down there and beat the living piss out of all of you!" he yelled, waving his hands furiously.

Everything fell silent, and with a smile he turned back to me and almost leapt in the drive-thru window, wrapping his hulk-like arms around me. "Good to see you, buddy."

"Okay, thanks, Emmett," I replied, my arms pinned to my sides as he crushed me in a hug.

"Uh, Emmett," I wheezed when moments later he still hadn't removed his arms from around my ribs. "Breathing is becoming a difficulty."

"Oh, sorry," he apologized. "I'll see you at eight."

* * *

Not since I got the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD, all with extended scenes and directors commentary, had I been more excited.

The last few hours of my shift at Chuck-E-Cheeze were like watching _The English Patient_ - boring as fuck. But finally, eight o'clock rolled around and like he said he would be, Emmett was waiting out the front, idling away in the VW.

"You know this thing looks like a vibrator on wheels?" I said as I slipped into the passenger seat.

Although, the interior _was _kind of roomy.

"Well, it was this or the delivery van. And I don't think that thing would have made it this far."

I fingered the sparkly butterfly on the mirror. "This thing is so gay."

"You're so gay," replied Emmett, and just hearing him say something so juvenile made my fucking week.

"You're face is gay," I hit back just for kicks, and because it was the kind of banter I was used to with Emmett. And, Jesus, I had missed it so much.

"You been getting the checks I've been sending?" I asked, opening all the little storage compartments. There were so many! One for your sunglasses, a cup holder in the door and in the dashboard, and a separate little compartment just for change!

"Yeah, I got 'em," replied Emmett. "You didn't have to do that, Edward."

I shrugged as I wiggled my ass into the seat, using the electrics to move it up and down. "Saved you from getting your ass beaten by Rosalie didn't it?"

Emmett slapped my hand away as I fiddled with the various knobs on what looked to be a state-of-the-art sound system. "Well, Rosie never really found out about all the camera equipment. I kind of paid it all off before she found out."

"How the fuck did you do that?" I asked, flabbergasted.

Emmett smiled. "Lauren needed a new pimp, and I had a bit of spare time since we weren't shooting the movie anymore..."

My mouth fell open. "You're her pimp?"

"I prefer to call myself an entrepreneur."

I laughed. "Fuck off, you're a fucking pimp daddy!"

"Yeah, boy!" whooped Emmett holding his hand up for a high five.

We pulled into the car park of a cheap motel, and Emmett turned to car off.

I stopped with my hand of the door handle as Emmett turned to me. "I know you want to ask me, Edward," he said.

"Ask you what?" I answered, trying to play it cool. He knew I wanted to know. He knew better than anyone that I was dying to ask.

Emmett rolled his eyes dramatically. "No, I haven't seen Bella. Not since your punk-ass left."

"Pfft," I snorted. "I wasn't going to ask that."

I was _so _going to ask that. And I was secretly a little upset that he hadn't seen her. I wanted to know if she was as bad off as I was. Or if she was enjoying life shacked up with Mr. My-Dick-Is-The-Size-Of-A-Small-Country.

"Whatever," Emmett snorted. "You coming in?" he asked, gesturing to the hotel.

"Is Rosalie in there?" I asked tentatively.

Emmett nodded, looking a little nervous. "I brought her ice cream though, so hopefully she won't lose her shit."

"Why would she lose her shit?" I asked as Emmett made his way across the parking lot.

"Emmett? Emmett?" I repeated. "Why is Rosalie going to lose her shit?"

He ignored me as he put the key in the lock.

"Baby?" he called, poking his head around the door.

We were only half a foot inside the door when a shock of blonde hair stormed through the room.

"Where the fuck have you been? I've been sitting in this goddamn, flea-ridden hotel for six mother-fucking hours. Hi, Edward. Don't fucking 'Baby' me, explain yourself?"

"Hi, Rosalie," I answered quietly as Emmett pushed his way in.

"Goddamn it, woman! Would you calm the fuck down?" he begged.

"Calm down?" she screeched. "Calm down! You're off gallivanting around town with this pasty nerd-burger, and I'm stuck here like some freaking damsel in distress? No car, no wallet, no keys. So help me, Emmett John McCarty, I'll..."

"I brought you ice cream?" squeaked Emmett, holding the dessert out in front of him like it was the Holy Grail.

I swear Rosalie's eye twitched.

"Ice cream?"

Emmett stepped back a little, pressing me into the door.

"Six hours, and you bring me a white Steve-fucking-Urkel and some ice cream?"

I could see her fists clenching and unclenching with rage as she glared at Emmett.

"Why don't we just slip back out the front, Edward?" whispered Emmett over his shoulder.

I was out of the door faster than I'd thought possible, with the sounds of Rosalie throwing a hissy-fit rumbling through the hotel door.

I shook my head in shock. "Emmett, you know that bitch is crazy, right?"

Emmett nodded, but a smile tugged at his lips a little. "Yeah, but angry sex with Rose is better than birthday sex."

Birthday sex? Fuck. I was not even going to go there.

"So, why am I here?" I asked, shoving my hands into my pockets.

Emmett fished around in his coat pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper.

"Take a look," he said, handing the piece of paper to me.

My heart actually stopped beating.

There it was in full color, printed in ink on the paper. _'New Poon: The Twatlight Saga.'_

I was looking at a mock-up of what would be the DVD cover, the faces of Lauren and Jasper staring back at me.

"You...you finished the movie?" I asked, speechless at the thought that they had continued with the project, even after I left them all in the lurch.

I suddenly felt like the biggest asshole in the world. Leaving my friends to finish a job that _I'd_ started.

Emmett smiled and nodded. "Well, we're almost finished."

"Almost?"

"Yeah, we're having problems with a few scenes."

"Oh," I replied. "What kind of problems?"

"Just run-on and some timing errors - it's something you need to see yourself."

I rubbed the back of my neck. I knew what he wanted, I just wasn't sure if I could do it. "You need me to come to Detroit?"

"Well, Carlisle has it all set up on his editing shit. I mean, you'd be there for half a day tops."

I took a deep breath.

Just the thought of going home made my stomach gurgle and made me feel like I was going to shit my pants.

"I don't think I can, Em. I'm sorry."

Emmett snatched the paper from my hands and stuffed it back in his pocket. "What? You too busy being told what to do by some sixteen year-old, pimple-faced teenager who still whacks off into a sock so his mommy doesn't find out?"

"Fuck off," I mumbled, shoving him lightly.

"No, you fuck off!" pressed Emmett, shoving me back a little harder than necessary.

"You fucking left, Edward. Things got too hard for you and you bailed. You left me with no one to work the store! Shit, I had to hire Ben Cheney from 'Byte Me' - and he's the stupidest motherfucker I've ever met. But I had no option, you see, because my best computer tech up and fucking left me."

God, if I felt like an asshole before, I felt like king of the assholes now. "You mean Cheney with the breath that smells like he licks ass?"

"The very same," replied Emmett. "I even thought about giving him a role in the movie. But his breath was bad enough, I wasn't about to add to that."

I kicked the cement kerb lightly. "What's wrong with the movie?"

"It doesn't make sense."

I shook my head. "It's a pornographic movie Emmett. It's not supposed to make sense, it's dick going into vag. What more of a story do you need?"

"It's still a movie, dude," he argued. "And it doesn't have a proper ending."

I snorted. "You show a decent cum shot and then you roll the credits. Bada-bing-bada-boom, you have yourself a movie."

"Fuck, Edward," he growled. "Will you just stop being a smart ass and take a fucking look?"

Rubbing my temples, I ran the scenario over in my head.

Go home. See the movie. Leave without anyone else knowing I was there. Slink back into self-imposed hell.

"Yeah…okay."

Before I could even make one move, Emmett was opening the door to his hotel room.

"Rosie! Pack up your crap - we're going home!"

* * *

I realized, as I set my bags down inside the door at Emmett and Rosalie's the next day, that this was the first time I'd been to Emmett's house.

"You have a lovely home, Rose," I said as she pushed past me to get into the house.

She stopped in the doorway and looked me up and down. "I know. Don't leave your shit in the doorway and take your fucking shoes off."

O-kay.

"Why don't you just head down to the basement?" said Emmett as he took my bags. "Carlisle is already down there."

"Carlisle is here?" I asked, realizing this meant another person would witness my now not-so-secretive return to Detroit.

"Yeah, he's got the movie all cued up and ready to go."

Rosalie stepped in front of Emmett and me just as we were about to head downstairs.

"Where the fuck are you going?" she asked, her hands on her hips as she shot an icy glare at Emmett.

"Downstairs. That's why Edward is here," replied Edward.

Rose's head cocked to one side. "I thought you were going to let me wax your back tonight?"

Emmett's face went the most intense shade of red I'd ever seen. I would call it carmine, or crimson - fucking red.

"I'll just head downstairs," I said quietly as I side-stepped that crazy-ass bitch Rosalie.

Loud whispers and even some foot stomping followed me down the stairs. Rose was giving Emmett the ear-raping of the century.

"Hey, man!" said Carlisle as I took the last step down, looking on in awe as I checked out the audio visual system that Carlisle had set up.

Carlisle and I shook hands just as the door swung open at the top of the stairs.

"Calm the fuck down, woman!" called Emmett from the top of the stairs before slamming the door behind him.

Carlisle eyed me knowingly. "She's insane," he whispered.

"Clearly."

"You two just shut your mouths," snapped Emmett, still clearly flustered. "Roll the fucking movie, Carlisle."

Carlisle rolled his eyes and fiddled with a few knobs, cueing the movie up.

In big flashy letters, all curly and white, the title of the movie flashed across the screen.

"Titles look good, man," I said to Carlisle, truly appreciative that it wasn't just one of us holding a piece of paper with the words written on it, which had been our original idea.

"Fast forward through all this shit, dude," said Emmett as he took a seat beside Carlisle. "I don't have all night and Rosalie's on my back..." He turned and glared at me - obviously knowing that I was about to make mention of the waxing comment.

"Don't say a fucking word," he snapped before he rolled his chair closer to the computer, pointing at the frames as they blurred across the screen in fast forward.

"Okay, so we've got Jasper and Lauren, Jasper and Toots, Toots and Mike, Lauren and Toots..."

"Yeah, yeah, okay..." I said, snorting a little at the vision of them humping at super human speeds. Actually, kind of like real vampires would, because they're all fast and shit.

_What?_ I read the books. It's called research so go fuck yourself.

"We've got all the money shots, and then...we have this," replied Emmett, pointing to the screen.

I felt the blood drain from my face and my hands suddenly went all tingly.

There on the screen in full HD, were Bella and I - rounding home base.

"Thirty fucking minutes of this boring-ass love-making shit," finished Emmett, no longer looking at the movie, but at me as I stared at the screen.

"Okay," I said, waving my hand in front of it. "You can move to the next scene."

Emmett and Carlisle swiveled in their chairs like two evil doctors from 007.

"What scene?" asked Emmett.

I covered my eyes, but that didn't stop the sounds. Her quiet moans and the sound of our kisses filled the room as the playback kept running.

"The one with Bella and Jasper!" I basically shouted as I covered my ears, trying to block it out.

Emmett paused the video and I let my arms fall to my sides.

"We didn't shoot the next scene, Edward," Emmett said slowly, speaking to me like I was a third grader.

Carlisle just sat staring at me as I tried to process the information. To be honest, my thought processes were about as basic as a third grader's.

_What? _I thought.

"What?"

"Well," said Emmett, tenting his fingers in front of his mouth. "If you hadn't been such a pussy that night and bailed on us, you would have found out that we didn't shoot the Jasper and Bella scene. Instead we did a girl-on-girl scene with Toots and Lauren."

Crickets chirped in my head. Literally.

"So..." I blinked a few times, trying to form a coherent thought. "You never ended up doing the scene."

Both Carlisle and Emmett shook their heads.

"After you left, Bella backed out," Emmett said with a shrug. "She said she couldn't do it."

"But why?" I asked, confused as to why the crew would stop filming when there had only been one scene left to shoot.

Emmett groaned, letting his head fall into his hands, and Carlisle rolled his eyes.

"For a smart guy, Edward," said Carlisle, "you're really fucking dumb, you know that?"

"Come again?" I said, frustrated. "Look, I don't need to be here. You called me remember?"

Emmett jumped out of his seat and grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me violently, my head whipping around on my shoulders.

"Why are you so stupid?" he yelled as he shook me so hard my teeth were rattling in my head. "Bella pulled out of the shoot. She didn't do her scenes with Jasper because you left, you dickwad!"

I tried to shove Emmett's hands away. "She fucked Jasper, Emmett! Do you not remember why I left in the first place?"

The shaking stopped abruptly and my eyeballs whizzed around for a few seconds as I tried to keep my balance.

Emmett dropped his hands from my shoulders.

"I think you'll find that not everything is as it seems," he replied.

"Who are you? Yoda? What the fuck does that mean?" I snapped back.

"It's not my place to say, Edward. But what I will say is that you need to talk to her. You can't just run and hide and pretend it never happened, that she never existed. She did - _she does_, and she's just as fucked up about this as you are."

My eyes narrowed. "I thought you said you hadn't seen her?"

Emmett's mouth twisted into a grimace. "I haven't _seen _her exactly. I've only spoken to her on the phone. She calls once or twice a week to see if I've heard from you."

In all honesty, the satisfaction of knowing that Bella was torn up was not as great as I thought it would be. In actual fact, it made me feel even worse. Knowing that I was the cause of her pain didn't quite give the feeling of retribution I was looking for.

Emmett slumped back into his chair, looking defeated.

"Look, there was a time when this was just a friend helping out another friend. When Lauren was just a hooker, when Carlisle just worked at the video store, when Mike didn't take it up the ass and when Jasper did...I don't know what, whatever it was that he did before this."

"A lab assistant," cut in Carlisle, and both Emmett and I looked at him astounded.

"Really?" we both asked, and he nodded.

"He's actually smarter than he looks."

"Anyway," continued Emmett, turning back to me, "somewhere along the line I realized that I was a part of something really cool. That regular Joes like us could do something actually worthwhile in this world. Porn or not, I finally felt like I was doing something I was excited about, something that made me want to get out of bed in the morning."

Emmett's hand flailed about wildly as he spoke with vigor, and I had to duck an errant bear paw as it swung towards me.

"Even when it's something as simple as making a fuck film, sometimes it takes something like this to show us things that we can't see for ourselves. And then, when we realize this, it changes us forever."

Emmett looked right at me, and I clicked that he wasn't talking about the movie anymore. He was talking about me. More specifically, me and Bella.

_Bella_.

Just thinking about her, knowing that she was close-by made my stomach flip flop. I felt like an addict, and she was my heroin - the urge to see her and ease the pain was overwhelming. It was like my body knew that its drug was close, that just seeing her would end the long, hard months I'd had to endure by giving her up cold-turkey.

"You can try to deny it, Edward. You can ignore the changes, but you can't deny that they've happened. It's irreversible, you can't take it back, once it's done it's done."

Emmett was right.

I know, freaky right?

As hard as I had tried to stay away from her, as much as I tried to tell myself that I didn't need her, that I could get by without her, I was wrong. I did need her.

I needed her like I needed air.

The feeling of relief was akin to finding the last word in a find-a-word. Like I had been holding my breath for months, and finally I could let it go.

"Every movie needs an ending, Edward," said Carlisle from his chair, like some modern-day prophet.

"But what if she won't talk to me?" I asked.

Emmett shook his head in disagreement. "She'll listen. If not, make her listen. She needs to know how you feel - to hell with the consequences."

Emmett was right - AGAIN!

Consequences, schmonsequences - I was going to tell her once and for all.

"Where is she?" I yelled, already half way out of the door.

"Try the house!" called Emmett as I ran through his house, a sudden burst of energy propelling me forward.

I almost fell into the living room, grabbing my boots and shoving them on.

"What the fuck?" yelled Rosalie. "Emmett! Why the fuck is this socially inept white boy running through my house?"

But I couldn't hear his reply; I was already half way down the drive-way.

Did Bella sleep with Jasper? Maybe. Do I care? A little.

But I couldn't live without her! But being without her was harder than being with her, knowing that she slept with another guy. It was a shitty situation, but it was time to grow up. Time to be a real boy.

I had no idea what I was going to say. I couldn't even be certain that she would be there. But I had to try once last time.

So I ran. I ran as fast as my stupid wonky legs could carry me.

* * *

**A/N: See? I can't be angsty forever, I just don't have it in me. For those not fluent in Klingon **"qaStaH nuq?" means 'What's Happening?'.

**I know this took a while, but to be honest, I think my brain is stalling. This is probably the second to third last chapter - plus the epi. Yep, you heard right. And i'm skeerd! HOLD ME!**

**Reviews make Edward run faster...*cough*gratuitous begging*cough*  
**

**Wink x**


	15. Frisky Business

**Come stai, bitches!**

**No incessant rambling. Just big thanks to ladyinblue for her beta services, and to Alby Mangroves for her pre-reading.**

**(Just for kicks, listen to The Drums 'When I Come Home'. I did tease it on twitter, and listened to it on repeat while writing.  
**

* * *

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Twilight or it's characters. I also don't own ZAMMAP. I wish I did!

* * *

**Chapter 14 - Frisky Business**

"Oh yeah, Jasper...ugh...right there," I moaned as I squeezed my eyes shut.

Jasper leaned closer to my ear. "There?" he rasped, and I groaned with pleasure, allowing my head to roll forward.

"To the left a little? Oh fuck, yeah. Right there."

"Jesus, you're so tight!" gasped Jasper, pressing harder, his skilled fingers making me moan like a wanton whore.

"Shut up! Don't stop," I urged, pressing back into him.

"Alright, alright," said Jasper with a snort. "You're so snippy!"

I rolled my eyes. "You would be too if you were a sexually frustrated twenty-something year old," I hissed as Jasper's fingers dug into the muscles in my shoulders.

"Twenty-something?" snorted Jasper as he squeezed and pressed, massaging the knots out of my shoulders.

I craned my head over my shoulder to shoot a bitch-brow at him. "Just shut your mouth and massage, you fairy."

This time Jasper laughed out loud, wrapping his arms around my shoulders from behind.

"Awww, poor Belly Bean. I don't know why you don't just give yourself a little helping hand. Or hands, or fingers, or whatever it is you women do."

Waved my hands at my shoulders again, gesturing for him to continue massaging.

"You think I haven't tried?" I spat. "Fuck me. I wore out my Rabbit, and my WiVibe is on its last legs. I've gone through more batteries than a toy shop at Christmas, and I still can't get no satisfaction!"

"Sing it, girl!" chimed Jasper, resuming his position.

"I'm serious," I whined, throwing my hands in the air. "I've tried my gadgets, I've tried my hands, I've used up every fantasy that used to work, and still nothing."

I could feel the frown settle between my eyebrows, something that had become a permanent fixture since _he _left. That and a seemingly constant need to kick things.

"You know, I could always help if you're desperate?" offered Jasper, resting his head on my shoulder. Making a disgusted face at him, I shoved his head off my shoulder, causing him to fall sideways, almost slipping off the sofa.

"Thank you, but no thank you. I'm not that desperate."

Jasper sat up, shrugging his shoulders. "I'm just offering some help Belly Bean. You need to work out that tension somehow."

"I'll be fine, thank you. Anyway, I thought you had a vag phobia?"

"I do!" he replied, scrunching up his nose. "But if this," he said, pointing to his crotch, "is what will stop you from being a moody, whiny bitch. Then I'd happily put it in there," he finished, pointing to my cooter.

"Oh! Bitch, please," I snorted. "You wouldn't know what to do if I drew you a map and gave you written instructions. Like I said, I'll work it out on my own."

"Okay, okay," agreed Jasper as he hopped off the sofa. "Just remember that the offer is there. Anyway, I have a date, so I'm going to go and put something nicer on."

"A date?" I asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.

He nodded. "I met the cutest boy in the world!" he gushed. "I met him at The Manhole. He's got the nicest ass I've ever seen. Well, apart from Edward's of course."

Holy fuck buckets. Just hearing his name sent my emotions into overdrive. I felt like a hormonal teenager again, listening to crappy songs about heartbreak and watching sappy rom-coms while sobbing into a pint of Chubby Hubby.

To begin with I'd been just plain hurt. Hurt and angry. Not just at Edward, but at myself. For saying all the stupid things I did, and for not telling him the truth when I had the chance. And while the anger was still there, simmering away at a constant heat, more than anything I was just empty. It felt like I was missing something. I constantly found myself wandering around the house looking for something, only to realize that there was nothing to be found. That what I had been missing was him.

I could only imagine it would be how people felt when they woke up in a bath tub full of ice, only to find that their kidneys were gone. Or maybe not. Whatever.  
Jasper had been great, a real Godsend. He knew that I wouldn't be able to make the rent on my own, even after I got my old job back. So he moved in with me, taking over half the rent and filling the void in the house that Edward had left.

But since he finally came out of the closet, Jasper was living the life. He was out every night with random, cute guys, partying until the early hours. He was living the life every girl dreamed of, while I was stuck at home trying to get myself off, and eating enough Ben & Jerry's to sink a ship.

"Okay, well, have fun!" I said, completely useless at keeping the desperate edge out of my voice. "I'm going to go and take a bath."

I stomped down the hallway and into my room sullenly. Digging through my drawers I found an old pair of ratty, flannel pajama pants, and wife-beater that I'm sure was once white, but was now a creamy color with moth holes and coffee stains. It wasn't like I was trying to impress anyone.

Just as I was about to close the drawer, something caught my eye.

Stuffed at the back, behind my clothing was a lump of balled-up cotton. Curious, I pulled it out, and my heart sank into my feet as I saw the picture of an X-Wing star fighter emblazoned across the t-shirt.

That stupid fucker had worn it every day for two weeks straight. I had to get Emmett to pin him down so that I could peel the disgusting thing off him and wash it. In the end I'd stolen it from his drawers and hidden it so that he couldn't wear it. When he couldn't find it, he'd moped like a six year-old for days.

So, like the masochistic moron I was, I lifted the t-shirt to my nose and inhaled his smell: washing powder, cheap aftershave and boy. I tossed my wife beater back into the drawer, keeping Edward's t-shirt with me.

As I neared the bathroom, I heard the sound of running water and as I opened the door, I saw why. Jasper had drawn me a bath and lit handfuls of scented candles around the bathroom. He looked so proud too, like a kid that had just done his first poop in the toilet.

"Here," he said, taking the clothes from me and setting them on the vanity. "I put that nice bubble bath in. You know the one you like?"

I nodded, swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat. Jasper was like my fairy godmother, but in a cowboy suit.

_Say what?_

"Are you wearing that out?" I asked, pointing to the tight brown chaps complete with a black holster belt, and bright red bedazzled cowboy hat.

Jasper nodded and did a little twirl.

"Are you going to put a shirt on?" I asked with a giggle as I saw that he'd been into the sparkly body paint again.

"What for?" Jasper asked, his head cocked to one side. He looked like a shimmery, life-sized marshmallow Peep.

I shut my mouth with a snap. There was no point arguing with a half naked cowboy.

"Well, have fun. Do you have protection?" I asked, cringing as I realized that somewhere along the line, I had become the responsible adult in the house. _How did that happen?_

"You mean this?" asked Jasper, pulling a plastic toy gun from his belt.

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment. "Yes, Jasper, a toy gun, that's what I meant. No! I meant condoms, you useless excuse for a butt plug."

Jasper smiled coyly. "Of course, Belly Bean - I always come prepared," he giggled. And with that he unrolled what looked to be an entire box of XXL Trojans, and I suddenly felt very sorry for the poor unsuspecting guy he was dating. And his ass.

"Okay, and with that little tid-bit to scar me for life, you can get the fuck out now," I snapped, pulling my top over my head.

"Night, then. Don't wait up," he trilled as he closed the door.

"Jasper!" I called out, and he spun to face me. "Thank you."

"It's not a thang, chicken wang," he drawled, winking at me before closing the door.

Stripping quickly, I sighed loudly as I sunk into the bath, instantly feeling the stress melt from my muscles. The bubbles almost touched my chin, and the sweet smell of vanilla and jasmine wafted through the air. The water was just the right temperature - hot enough to boil a rabbit, and I could feel my face beginning to flush and sweat as the steam enveloped me. Before I knew it I had drifted off into an almost coma-like state of relaxation. And like he always was when I shut my eyes, Edward was there.

He was always there in my daydreams; crazed red hair and glasses - the Edward I fell in love with.

I missed his laugh. The way he would snort when you made him laugh really hard.

I missed his voice; low and kind of raspy, except when he was talking about something related to gaming or comics. Then, it would get this kind of high-pitched squeaky tone to it, which for some reason I found equally adorable.

And I missed his smile, every incarnation of it. The goofy one he got when he was playing around, the sloppy one he got when he'd had more than four beers, and the one that I had come to realize of late, was for me. The gentle tug at the corner of his mouth, the crinkling of his eyes - it made my insides jittery just thinking about it.

Mostly, I just missed him. The piggy-back rides to bed, the smell of him all over the sofa when I put my head on a pillow. I even missed his dirty fucking socks strewn all over the house.

I missed my best friend.

Contentedly sulking in the tub, I was startled when a loud bang reverberated through the house, snapping me out of my reverie.

"Bella!" called a voice, and I groaned sinking deeper into the bubbles. Jasper would forget his dick if it wasn't attached to him.

Ignoring his calls, I dunked my head under the water, enjoying the immediate peace and quiet. My hair floated around my head, and I could feel the hot water in my ears and up my nose.

Suddenly the banging got louder, even under the water I could hear him pummeling the bathroom door.

With a splash, I sat up, grimacing as water sloshed over the edge of the tub, pooling on the floor.

"Bella?" yelled Jasper, still hammering the door with his fist.

Huffing, I stood up and stepped out of the bath and on to the wet, tiled floor.

In a perfect world, I would have walked over to the door and given Jasper the ear-bashing of a life time, before slamming the door in his stupid face, and stepping gracefully back into the bath.

But of course, what happened in my mind, and what happened in reality are two completely different things.

"Ugh, what the fuck!" I yelled as I stepped out of the bath.

And then two things happened at once.

One, I slipped on a pool of water, which sent me toppling ass over tit, and landing with a thwack and a thud on my ass.

And two, the bathroom door swung open, and it was _not _Jasper. Standing in the doorway, his eyes wide with shock, his face already a ridiculous shade of red, was Edward.

And I was sprawled on the bathroom floor, naked and dripping wet. Well, not _wet _wet, just excessively damp wet.

"Oh my God, close the door! CLOSE THE DOOR!" I screamed trying to cover myself with the bathmat.

"Oh, fuck!" he said, covering his eyes, and in his haste to get the fuck out, spun on his heel and slammed his face into the door frame. If I wasn't naked and completely mortified, I probably would have laughed my ass off.

"Oh, shit," he cursed, holding his nose as trickles of blood dripped through his fingers and onto the bathroom floor.

"Edward!" I screamed, waving my hands in front of my body. "Get the fuck out!"

Still holding his nose, he ran out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I could hear him cursing and groaning as he rummaged through the kitchen, no doubt looking for a towel or a tissue.

I sat on the bathroom floor, holding the damp bathmat over my body, too shocked to even move. Edward was in my house. I hadn't seen that ass in months, and the first time I did, I was naked as the day I was born, and looked like a drowned rat. Fuck my life

I stood up slowly and toweled off, grabbing the shirt and slipping it on with a pair of underwear. I didn't know what was waiting for me on the other side of the door, I had no clue as to why he was here. All I knew was that he was here.

Nervously, I opened the bathroom door and stepped into the hallway. I could already see him, leaning against the kitchen counter, a piece of tissue shoved up each nostril.

"Hey," I said, trying to look anywhere but at him.

"Hey," he replied. "How...uhm, how are you?"

How am I? That was his first question? I cocked my eyebrow so hard I almost pulled a muscle.

"Really? Really, Edward?"

He looked suitably sheepish as I scowled at him, all of my pent-up anger bubbling to the surface.

"You just up and leave me...us. And you're standing here asking me how I am? That's your opener? Let me tell you how I am, Edward," I spat, crossing my arms over my chest. "I'm pissed because you left without letting me explain myself or apologize. I'm tired, because I've been working double shifts at the diner to pay the rent. I'm horny because for some godforsaken reason, I can't get a load off. And I'm hurt because for the last few months I've been without my best friend, the one person who has been the only constant in my miserable excuse for a life. How are you?"

I was so amped up and angry, that I didn't know what to do when he fell to his knees at my feet, his hands wrapped around my waist.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about the stupid argument, I'm sorry that I left, I'm sorry about all of it."

He looked up at me through his glasses, the two pieces of tissue tinged red and fluttering as he breathed.

"I thought I would be okay without you," he continued, shaking his head. "But I'm not. I don't care if you don't feel it; I just need to know that you understand that I love you, Isabella Swan. I still love you."

I could feel my throat tightening. For so long I'd wanted to hear him say those words, and now that he had, I was so full of emotion that it was hard to comprehend.

"I know you feel it," he said, resting his head against my stomach, his fingers gripping my waist. "Or at least you felt it once. I mean, I know we said that the sex wouldn't change anything. But it did. It changed me, Bella. The fact is I loved you before that, I was just too blind to see it."

My hands itched to run through his hair, to press his head firmly into my stomach, to hold him there tightly. But he needed to know everything. I needed everything to be out in the open, to have a clear mind in knowing that we were starting anew.

"Edward, I..."

Standing again, Edward shook his head as his hands cupped my cheeks. "Stop, Bella, I know. I know that you didn't do the scene with Jasper. That has to mean something doesn't it?"

Suddenly the front door burst open and Jasper strolled in. "Belly Bean, have you seen my...oh..." He stopped dead a few feet from us. "Hi, Edward."

Edward's hands dropped from my face and I could see his jaw clenching as he looked at Jasper. "Hi, Jasper."

Jasper looked at me and then at Edward, who looked back at me.

"You know what?" he said with a shake of his head. "I don't care. I don't care if you fucked Jasper, or if you're still fucking him. I'll wait for you for as long as it takes. Hell, I've waited half my life, what's a little longer? I love you, Isabella Marie Swan, and I would rather die than be without you."

"Your last name is Swan?" asked Jasper, scratching his head.

Edward huffed with frustration rubbing the spot between his brows. "Jesus, you're fucking a guy who doesn't know your last name?"

Once again, I opened my mouth to reply, only to be cut off.

"Does he know that you let Tyler Crowley feel you up behind the library when you were sixteen? Or that you beat the shit out of him when he told the whole school?"

I had to smile at the memory of that dick Tyler, all bloodied and sobbing after I beat his ass in front of the entire cheerleading squad.

"I know that," Edward said, pointing to himself. "And I know that you wore a blue dress to prom, but that at the last minute you chickened out and we spent the night drinking the Vitamin R that we stole from your Dad. And I know that you tried to sleep with the lead singer of Queens of the Bone Age. Does he?" he finished, pointing at Jasper.

Finally, after being silent for what felt like the entire conversation, I jumped in.

"We're not fucking, Edward."

Edward's head snapped to mine, his eyes widening. He looked between Jasper and I, until Jasper nodded his head.

"It's true," he said, taking his cowboy hat off. "That night of the party, I just wanted you to see what was right in front of you. You had to know I wouldn't do that, that _she _wouldn't do that, right, Edward?"

And there it was. The basis of our first argument, the one that took him from me.

Edward looked back at me, reproachful. "You wanted me to step in? To force my hand?"

Jasper nodded and Edward sighed, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. "I guess I failed that test too then, huh?"

"We both did." I answered, crossing my arms over my chest in an attempt to stop myself from diving into Edward's arms. He looked so downtrodden and upset, all I wanted to do was make it better, to hug him and tell him everything would be okay. But as hard as it was, I stayed put. We needed to talk about what went down.

"Why would you ever think I would do that to you, Edward?"

Sighing loudly, he ran both hands through his disheveled hair. "I don't know," he said exasperated. "I guess I never really thought that you might feel the same way. I kept telling myself that it was an impossibility. I figured Jasper is probably the kind of person you _should _be with. Someone who doesn't sleep in Star Wars sheets, or spend hours playing video games, or do stupid dances... "

"Edward," I butted in, stepping towards him. "Those things are what make you who you are. I wouldn't care if you wanted to dress like Superman for the rest of your life! But you made me feel cheap, Edward. You are the one person who is supposed to stand by me no matter what. And you didn't."

Edward ran his hands through his already fucked up hair. "I know, and you can't understand how sorry I am. But why didn't you tell me that day? Why did you let me think that you two slept together?"

"I didn't think you would believe me, Edward. I was so angry, and I wasn't thinking straight. But when I came back to tell you the truth, you were gone."

He was standing so close I could feel his exhale long and slow against my skin. "I guess we both fucked it up then, huh?"

I nodded.

Pressing his fingertips under my chin, Edward lifted my head up to face him. "Am I too late?"

I swallowed slowly, and shook my head.

"Edward Cullen, I was yours the moment you walked into the door frame. I love you. And not in a friendly way."

Remember when you were little, and you'd get presents from your parents, and when you open them, you're so fucking excited that you start jumping up and down and squealing like a maniac-child? Well, yeah. When the biggest, toothiest, happiest smile I'd ever seen appeared on Edward's face, I had to keep that inner maniac-child at bay. It was breathtaking and life-giving all at once, and was something I knew I would remember forever.

In the immortal words of The Doors;_ "The time to hesitate is through."_

In a flash, his hands were on my face again, his forehead pressed against mine as I wrapped my arms around him.

"I missed you," he whispered, his fingers tracing lightly over my face and down my neck.

"Missed you more," I replied, smiling uncontrollably as I pulled the pieces of tissue from his nose.

"Not possible," he replied, even quieter, just before his lips ghosted over mine. With just one tiny kiss, nothing more than the light pressure of his lips against mine, I felt every worry I had, every apprehension, every niggling little feeling, disappear.

"Wait a minute," said Edward, and I almost screamed as he pulled his head back. "If you two didn't sleep together, then why the hell are you still here?" he asked, turning to face Jasper. Who, to be honest, I had completely forgotten was even there.

"I live here," Jasper said with a grin.

"Oh, yeah," I said with a nod. "When you left, Jasper moved in to help me pay the rent."

"Oh," Edward replied. But he still looked a little perplexed. "And you're half naked and dressed like a cowboy because?"

"I have a date," Jasper said with a shrug. "I heard he likes cowboys, so I put together this little ensemble."

Edward's head cocked to one side like a cocker spaniel. "He?"

My God. This was going to take all night, and the butter bean was not happy to wait. She wanted Edward in a bed, right the fuck now.

"Edward," I said quietly, placing a hand on his arm. "Jasper is gay."

"He wha...he's... I mean...you're gay?" Edward spluttered, in complete disbelief.

"Guilty as charged," replied Jasper, raising his hand in the air.

Edward groaned. "I feel like an even bigger ass now," he said, moving away from me, towards Jasper. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, holding a hand out.

"Don't be silly," giggled Jasper, waving away Edward's hand. "We don't shake around here, we hug!" And with that, he threw his arms around Edward's neck, pressing his glittering body all over him. I would have been a little jealous if Edward wasn't frozen on the spot, an awkward look etched across his features.

"Okay, you two love birds," gushed Jasper, releasing Edward, who very quickly moved to stand beside me. "I won't be home tonight. So you two enjoy the peace and quiet...or whatever," he said with a flick of his hand as he flounced out of the door.

"Well that was...unexpected," said Edward, staring at the door that Jasper had practically just danced through. "If I'd known that a little earlier, it would have saved me a lot of trouble."

"Trust me," I replied with a snort. "The less you know about Jasper's sex life, the better."

He turned to face me, and I had the sudden, rising urge to lick him all over. "So, there's no one else here?"

I shook my head, my heart suddenly leaping into my chest. "Just us."

"So, Jasper won't be busting in the door again anytime soon?" he clarified, glancing back at the front door.

I shook my head. "No."

"That's good," said Edward, nodding pensively. "I think I felt him grab my ass before."

I laughed, nodding. "Probably."

Edward's eyes darkened as he took a deep breath, his hand making a mess of his hair. "Is that my t-shirt?"

Again, I nodded.

"Is there...I mean, are you wearing anything underneath?" His voice squeaked a little at the end, and he had to clear his throat, swallowing hard.

"Only my underwear," I replied with a sly smile as I shimmied out of them, letting them drop to my feet, leaving me completely naked except for the long t-shirt.

Edward's eyes moved down my bare legs and back up my body as he stepped closer. I felt his fingers slip under the hem of the shirt as he leaned over and kissed my cheek softly, making me sigh. Slowly, his hands travelled around the tops of my thighs, tracing light patterns, and making my skin break out in goose bumps. I knew exactly what those fingers were capable of. Computer techs have skilled fingers, of that much I was certain.

I wound my fingers into his hair as his lips trailed warm and wet over my collar bone.

"I missed you," he said quietly, repeating it over and over as his lips and tongue moved up my neck, where finally they met my mouth again.

Now, the idea of mouths colliding together in a kiss may seem appealing. But in real life, that shit kind of hurts. In our haste to kiss, we bumped noses so hard I was sure Edward's would start bleeding again, and I was a little worried I might have chipped a tooth in the process.

"Ouch," whispered Edward, jumping a little as we continued to kiss heatedly. "You bit me."

"Sorry," I said as I fisted his hair tightly, pulling him with me down the hallway.

Never breaking our kiss, we literally stumbled down the hallway as Edward tripped over a pair of my shoes that were lying on the floor.

"Nice to see some things don't change," he murmured, chuckling as I kicked them out of the way.

I pulled him with me, almost running the last few feet to my bedroom and flinging myself on to the bed. Rolling on to my back, I noticed he had stopped dead in the doorway.

"Are those my Star Wars sheets?" he asked, pointing to my bed.

Pulling the shirt down to keep myself covered, I nodded. "I wanted to keep a piece of you with me."

He shook his head, swallowing hard again. "Fuck. That is disturbingly hot. You washed them first though, right?"

I rolled my eyes. "Only you would get a boner seeing your Star Wars sheets, you tool," I teased, patting the bed beside me.

Grinning like an idiot, Edward threw himself at me, our heads colliding as he rolled on top of me on the bed.

"Oh!" we both cried, and I rubbed the spot on the front of my head where he had headbutted me.

We both rubbed our heads for a moment, grinning at each other. He had never looked so...beautiful. And he was all mine!

Wide eyed and pink cheeked, he stared back at me. "Say it again."

I leaned up, pressing a quick kiss to his lips. "I love you."

Smiling, Edward leaned down and finally, without smashing teeth, or noses, or heads, we kissed. And it was fan-fucking-tastic. It was soft and tender, and all the things I had been missing.

I pulled him towards me, letting him settle between my legs.

"Bella," he whispered as I pressed myself to him, enjoying the weight of him as my hands dug into the skin of his back. "I don't...we should..."

"What?" I asked, breathless.

Edward sat up a little, brushing the back of his fingers across my cheek as he looked down at me. "I don't want this to just be about sex, Bella. You mean more to me than that."

_Are you shitting me?_

"It's not," I replied quickly. "I mean, I know how you feel, because I feel it too," I assured him. "I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to fuck your brains out right now...but if you want to wait..." I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders a little, trying not to seem too upset.

Edward blinked once before kissing me again. "See, this is why I love you."

I giggled a little as his hands disappeared up my shirt quickly. "You mean no waiting?"

He shook his head defiantly. "Fuck no. I think my dick would murder me if I said yes."

I laughed out loud as his head ducked under my t-shirt. "How would your cock murder you? I don't think it can hold a knife."

"You'd be amazed what a sex deprived dick can do with a little training, Bella," he replied, as trails of tiny kisses peppered my stomach and chest.

"Really?" I replied, running my hands up his side and tugging on his shirt. Edward popped his head out from under my top long enough to let me slip it over his head, before diving back under.

"Not that I mind so much, but are you going to be under there all night?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut as he continued to kiss and lick his way across my chest.

"You don't know how much I missed these," he groaned, giving both boobs a good squeeze for effect. "Have you missed me?" he asked, and was about to reply when I felt him rub his cheek against one, realizing that he wasn't talking to me, but to the girls. I would have stopped him too, but he was hell bent on tasting every single square inch of them, and it was driving me crazy.

"Uh, so...soft...and smooth...," Edward whispered, punctuating each word with a kiss. "Perfect."

I was almost whining, pressing my body up against his, trying to get friction somewhere, anywhere! Taking the hint, Edward finally brought his head back out.

Grabbing his hair, I pulled his head towards me, pressing my lips firmly to his. "Please," I practically begged him.

In a flurry of movement he sat up and pulled my shirt off, tugged his pants off and pulled the covers over us, and before I knew it he was back, lying between my legs.

I could feel him, hard and warm against my inner thigh as we kissed frantically. I wanted so much to take my time, to rediscover every part of him, to relish in the feel of being with him. But more than that, I was desperate to feel whole with him again, to feel the connection that only making love to him would bring.

Holding me tightly, Edward turned on to his back, rolling me on top of him. "I want to see you," he whispered as both of his hands gripped my ass, pulling me closer to him.

"Do I need to...I mean," he blushed. I smiled.

"I'm on the pill."

"Since when?" he asked, cocking his head to one side.

"Since I was about sixteen," I replied with a snort. "Is that okay? I just want to feel you. All of you."

A tiny crease appeared between Edward's eyebrows. "I don't know if I can last very long."

"I don't care," I whispered, resting my forehead against his. "I just want to be with you."

With a soft kiss, Edward shifted me so that he was pressed right against my opening. I could feel his heart beating through his chest, no doubt mirroring mine as it thumped erratically.

Finally, with a smile, Edward wrapped his arms tightly around my back, crushing me to him as I lifted a little, pressing downwards and letting him slide inside of me.

For the first time in months, I felt like I could breathe again.

Like I was home.

* * *

**AN: Okay - so I'm a dreadful whore. I stretched it out. But I can't let go! So, just one more full chapter, then the epilogue. Sad, I know. I think I'll be the one sobbing into a tub of ice cream. **

**Leave a little love? **

**xxx Wink**


	16. Star Whores

**Well, here we are. I won't talk shit. I'll save that for the epilogue.**

**Big ups to Ladyinblue and Albymangroves for their amazing work. Being my beta/pre-reader is srs bsns these days, and they both do it so well.**

**Enjoy :)**

* * *

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Twilight, I don't own ZAM. I also don't own Star Wars or Family Guy (ten points if you can find the FG reference.)

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen - Star Whores**

_Don't come yet._  
_Don't come yet._  
_Oh, for the love of God, don't come yet!_

I had to chant like a fucking Gregorian monk, over and over in my head to stop myself from blowing my load almost immediately. As good a friend as my hand had been to me of late, the feeling of actually putting my dick inside something that wasn't covered with lotion and calluses was phenomenal. And that fact that it was Bella made it even more so.

She was so warm and soft, and she and I fit together like we were two puzzle pieces. I wanted to run my fingers over every inch of her skin, every dip and every bump. Especially the two larger bumps on her chest. I wanted to bury myself between those babies and stay there.

I'm sure Emmett would let me come to work with my face buried in Bella's tits. Surely.

I tried everything I could to keep myself together; but the second she started rocking back and forth on top of me, her tits squished against my chest, her legs pressed tightly against my thighs - I lost it. I grabbed her hips, pulling her down on to me harder as she increased the pace of her rocking. Her head was buried in the crook of my neck and I could feel her fingers digging into my shoulders as she used me for leverage, guiding herself up and down.

"Oh, God," she moaned, her face so close to my ear it felt like she was inside my head. Like my very own Bella soundtrack, but without the cheesy porn music.

I bent my knees a little, using my hips to push up deeper into her .

Fuck, so much deeper.

We were like a mass of moaning, grinding, writhing limbs. Her hands were in my hair, her fingers tugging gently at the roots as she moved. I'd always thought having someone pull my hair would be painful, and not in the least bit sexy. But I was wrong; it actually wasn't all that bad. Kind of a good pain, like pressing a sore tooth.

Okay, that was a terrible analogy.

Maybe it was more like itching a mosquito bite; so bad, but so very good.

She was picking up the pace, and from the way she was mumbling incoherent words against my shoulder, she was as close as I was. My hands were on her ass, her back, in her hair, on her face; anywhere that I could touch.

I could already feel my balls tightening; I knew I was close, and that I wouldn't be able hold on much longer.

_Not yet. Not yet!_

"Fuck, Bella...I can't hold on..."

I wanted to reach down between us to touch her, but she was pressed so tightly against me that there was no room. So, in a final desperate attempt to stave off my impending release, I bent my knees even more, using the bed as leverage.

Worse! Oh God, just that tiny movement had me practically quivering beneath Bella as she let out a loud moan, digging her fingers deeper into my shoulders, no doubt leaving tiny half-moons from her nails.

That was the end of me, I couldn't hold on any more; it felt like my balls were going to explode any second. It was our first proper time together, and I was going to come faster than a speeding bullet!

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," I panted as the heat exploded inside of me, and I pounded my hips up, pulling Bella down onto me.

I could feel Bella's teeth clamp down on my shoulder as she shuddered above me, surprising the fuck out of me as she came with me, moaning nothing but an incoherent jumble sounds and words.

"Jesuschristmotherfuckershit..," she babbled.

The feeling of her coming undone around me, coupled with hearing her call my name, made me come so hard I think I blacked out a little. If I were a cartoon, there would have been little stars floating around my head.

I was like a puddle of Edward-shaped goop on the bed. Like an amorphous blob, boneless and completely limp. Bella was still lying on top of me, our chests stuck together with sweat as we panted in sync.

"Jesus, Mary and Jedi," moaned Bella, her body still pressed against mine; warm and soft and...sticky?

She looked up at me, smiling, her face still flushed, her hair matted to her forehead.

Kissing her once, I tried to gently roll her over. I guess certain...fluids, were leaking. But as I pushed her gently, she just held me closer, wrapping her arms around me tightly. Whatever bodily secretions had accumulated between us had begun to squelch and ooze into places they really shouldn't have been.

"Bella," I whispered, but she just sighed and nuzzled into me more.

I was torn. She seemed so comfortable and happy - I didn't want to move her. But the longer we lay there, the colder and stickier I got, and I could feel the panic rising. I had never gone without a condom before, and we had just thrown caution to the wind and jumped into bed - which was not like me at all. Normally, I was a sensible person. But apparently where Bella and my dick were involved, all rational thought flew out the window!

Again, I tried to softly pry her arms from around me. But this time she threw a leg over me, clinging to me like a baby monkey. When I felt something warm dribble down the side of my thigh - that was it. I'd taken all I could, I could take no more!

"Aghh...sticky...covered in cum, ew...Bella!" I cried as I wriggled free, wiping myself with the sheet.

"What the fu..." she yelped, all flailing arms and legs, as she slipped off the bed and onto the floor.

I made in important mental note to myself. _Next time, make sure Bella isn't wrapped up in the sheet when you yank it._

"What is your malfunction?" she yelled from the floor, tossing a pillow at my head.

"I'm sorry," I said, scrambling over the bed to help her up. "There were bodily fluids, and there was drippage, and I'm sorry, I just lost it!"

"You moron," she huffed as she threw my shirt back on. If it didn't look so flipping cute on her, I would have tried to get it back.

_What?_It was my favorite shirt!

The X-Wing was the perfect coloring and the cotton was extra soft, just the way I liked it. It had taken me ages to find that exact shirt, and after waiting in line for hours, I'd paid a mint for it at Comicon the year before, right before it mysteriously went missing.

"Are you coming?" snapped Bella from the doorway.

"I thought I just did," I said waggling my eyebrows.

Bella slapped a hand to her forehead. "You're mentally deficient, you know that?"

"What?" I laughed. _I _thought it was funny.

She grabbed the towel from the back of her door. "I'll be in the shower."

I suddenly felt kind of cold, and very, very naked. "Oh, okay."

Lolling her head to one side, Bella grinned before tossing another towel at me. "Feel free to join me when you're finished your comedy routine, okay?"

I grabbed the towel before it hit me in the head and nodded. "I'll be with you in a minute."

Staring like an idiot, I watched her perfect, round little ass bounce out of the bedroom.

As soon as she was gone, I felt something starting in my toes, inching its way up my legs slowly.

Rolling my shoulders, I could feel it spread across my back and into my arms, like electricity.

An electronic beat had woven itself inside my head.

It was time.

Time...for The Robot.

Oh man, I owned that shit! In the bedroom, out into the hallway, move after move of blistering robotic dance moves. Naked robot was the best kind of robot.

I was mid arm-swing when the bathroom door opened.

"Oh, shit...um..."

I was frozen like a rabbit in the headlights, except I had one arm at a right angle, dangling mid-air. Bella stepped towards me, and I almost expected her to slap me upside the head like she used to. But, in a display that only cemented the millions of reasons why I loved her, she gave my arm a little push, prompting me to swing it around, finishing my robot move.

My Bella was doing the robot dance with me!

She even gave a little shoulder pop as she turned back into the bathroom, which was now swirling with steam from the shower.

"Is that a light saber, or are you just happy to see me?" she asked, pointing at my now, _amazingly_, hard dick.

"Enter, young Jedi," she whispered from the depths of the steamy bathroom, curling her finger at me. "To the dark side you must come."

Geez Louise. First the robot, and then a _Wars _reference! Did life get any better?

"Yoda is a good guy," I mumbled quietly as she took me by the hand and pulled me into the bathroom. "He doesn't fight for the dark side."

"Shut the fuck up, Edward," she whispered back as she pushed the door closed with her foot.

After a second round in the bathroom - which, by the way, was much easier since the clean up was less of a problem - we fell in to bed around one in the morning. That night I slept better than I had in what felt like forever, all snuggled up and warm, wrapped up in my Star Wars sheets and the girl I loved.

The next morning, we had to hot-foot it over to Emmett's to get my bag. The clothes I had on were starting to get a bit funky, and as hard as Bella tried, there was no way she was getting me into any of her clothes. Her wearing my t-shirt was one thing, but under no circumstances did I find it okay to be wearing her skinny jeans.

Anyway, purple did absolutely nothing for my complexion.

"Well, well, well," drawled Emmett as he opened the door, the words '_C:\DOS - C:\DOS\RUN - RUN\DOS\RUN,' _emblazoned across his t-shirt.

"Didn't think I'd see you back here so soon, Ed. How you doing, Bella?" he said, nodding to Bella.

"Fine," she answered curtly.

"Oh, really?" he asked, cocking his head to one side, a concerned look on his face. "You look a little tired. Long night?"

He held his hand up for a high five, cackling like a dirty old man. Bella glared at me as I raised a hand to slap it against Emmett's.

I put my hand back down when her brow popped up. I was no fool. I knew a bitch-brow when I saw one.

"Just ask him so we can go," she whispered, giving me a light nudge with her shoulder.

"Oh, yeah," I mumbled, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "Uh, Em..." I cleared my throat, trying to find the right words. "Emmett. I was wondering, you know, with me being back in town and all, and you being down a decent computer tech. Maybe I could...that is...if you wanted me to...maybe...get my old job back at _Your Motherboard_?"

"Well...," hedged Emmett, taking a deep breath, tapping his finger on his chin. "It'd mean cutting back Ben's hours..."

I nodded sheepishly.

"And, I am kind of warming to the guy..,." he continued, only to be cut off by a slap to the arm by Bella.

"Oh fuck off, Emmett, you dick-wad," she yelled, shoving him through the door. "You know you're going to give him his job back. Put him out of his misery already."

"Okay, okay," chuckled Emmett, rubbing his chest. "Can you start Monday?"

"Can I!" I snorted loudly.

Emmett invited us in and we grabbed my bags and all my clothes. "So are you really starting to like Ben?" I asked, feeling a little jealous. Emmett was _my _man-bestie, my bro, my homie, my wing-man.

Emmett snorted, shaking his head. "No! That kid is about as sharp as a marble." He turned to smile at me. "You still my homeboy."

Bella rolled her eyes as we executed our patented handshake, complete with chest-bump.

I was so spiggin' happy! Everything was falling back into place. I was home, I had my old job back, and I had Bella.

There was just one thing left to do.

"So, what are we going to do with _New Poon_?" I asked, as Bella sat in the big leather seat at Emmett's editing equipment.

Emmett shrugged as he cued the movie up for her. I had already seen it, and to be honest, once was enough. Now that I knew Jasper's persuasion, there was something highly disconcerting about seeing him pound Lauren from behind.

"The way I figure it, we're kind of back to square one. Bella might have her old job back, but let's be honest, with the amount of plates she breaks; you two will still be flat broke."

Bella flipped Emmett the bird over her shoulder, her eyes glued to the monitor.

"Anyway," he continued, rolling his eyes at Bella's back. "We need one more scene, a little bit more editing, and then it's done. So what do you think?"

I could already hear the beginnings of our scene playing on the screen behind us.

"I don't know. I just...I don't know how I feel about having the whole world see me fu...I mean, _make love_, to my girlfriend."

Bella snorted loudly, stopping the movie and swinging the chair around to face us. "You got that right! Did you watch this Edward?"

I nodded. "I don't think I'd be comfortable having you in the movie."

"There's that," agreed Bella. "That and the fact that it's as boring as watching a banana take a nap."

Stunned, both Emmett and I turned to face Bella.

"What?" she asked incredulously. "We're covered from the waist down, there's barely any sound. Fuck, I'd rather watch that stupid Benjamin Button movie than this shit."

To be honest, I was a little hurt While we weren't as "entertaining" as Jasper and Lauren, or as...disturbing, as Mike and Toots had been - I thought we'd still done okay. Sure, I was no Dirk Diggler, but I thought I'd done a pretty good job if I'd said so myself. I may not have had "style" or "acting skills", but I didn't come in two seconds, and if I wasn't mistaken, I was pretty sure I rocked Bella's world.

I crossed my arms over my chest, huffing indignantly. "Pssht, you're no Jenna Jameson yourself, Swan."

Bella turned and glared at me. Fuck, I'd already seen the bitch-brow, but whatever it was she was doing with her eyes was scary, and I didn't want to see it again. Ever.

"Sorry," I mumbled, uncrossing my arms and shoving them in my pockets.

"Anyway," continued Bella. "Here's what I think we do. We take out the boring scene and replace it with something new..."

"With what though? You two are the main characters," interrupted Emmett.

"We can still be in it, we just won't fuck! Lord know those two were the only ones not fucking in that movie. How about a threesome? Jasper...I mean Mike, and Toots and Lauren. We'll write some big vamp-on vamp, three-way action scene for them. Then we re-edit, add some titles and credits, and kablammo!" Bella clapped her hands together, startling both Emmett and I. "You've got yourself some porn."

Emmett rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

To be honest, I didn't really care who they got to fill the scene, as long as they took Bella out. The thought of millions of people seeing her side-boob was perturbing to say the least.

That was _my _side-boob.

"Okay," agreed Emmett. "You and Edward do some crappy dialog here and there. Write a new scene and get the gang together to film it, and I'll set the rest up."

"Done," replied Bella as they shook hands.

Everything was falling into place.

"So," whispered Emmett conspiratorially as Bella packed up the video equipment. "You tapping that ass now, or what?"

I grinned, adjusting my glasses. "Does extra RAM increase your FPS?" I replied, wiggling my eyebrows.

"Hell, yeah!"

* * *

"So, pizza?" asked Bella as we turned the corner into our street, my bags almost slipping off my shoulders as I adjusted the arm full of recording equipment I was carrying.

"Sure," I replied with a grunt, just happy to be close to home so I could put that shit down. Years of sitting in front of computers had left me with little to no upper body strength. And even though Bella could've carried both the bag and the equipment with no trouble, I of course had to at least _pretend _to be chivalrous.

"Oh, fuck...," hissed Bella as she stopped mid-step.

I could barely see over the pile of cords and stands in my arms. "What? Did I step in dog shit?"

"No - oh fuck - it's Mr. Berty!"

"Our landlord?"

Bella nodded as she pulled the hood of her sweater up; pulling the strings so tight that only a small circle of her face was visible.

"I thought you paid the rent?" I asked, perplexed.

Bella grabbed me by the arm and started marching me towards the house at what felt like double the speed. "I did! But he's still a creepy motherfucker. I swear that eye gets lazier every time I see him. One day it's gonna slip right off his face."

As we power-walked up the front drive, I stupidly turned and caught the lop-sided glare of Dirty Berty. His eyes narrowed as he looked me over, well, one eye looked me over, the other just kind of wiggled a little bit.

I couldn't wait to be rid of that slime ball. The minute we had enough money to move somewhere decent, I was taking Bella and getting my white-ass out of that crap-hole.

I would find us somewhere with a front door that opened first time. Somewhere that didn't have sticky carpeting and cracking paint. Somewhere the pipes didn't creak and whine every time you turned a frickin' faucet on. Somewhere I didn't have to stand right in the corner of my room, with my laptop held in the air, just to get a decent Wi-Fi connection.

Of course, if I wasn't stealing Wi-Fi from the neighbors, that wouldn't be a problem.

"Edward?"

I snapped out of my daydream and saw Bella standing beside me, looking at me expectantly.

"Sorry," I replied. "Just dreaming of the day we can get out of this shit-hole."

"Ugh. Me too, Edward. Me too," Bella said with a nod as she shoved her shoulder against the front door.

* * *

"Edward," called Bella, just as I finished re-alphabetizing the DVD's.

Do gay men not know the alphabet? I got it; Bella was just plain old lazy. But Jasper should have known better. 'Spiderman' did NOT go next to 'Galaxy Quest'.

"Edward!" called Bella again, a little more insistently.

And fuck me, who in their right mind puts 'The Matrix' next to 'Planet of the Apes'? I mean, they don't even start with the same letter for crying out loud!

"EDWARD!" screeched Bella, snapping me out of my DVD OCD.

"What?" I yelled back as I stomped down the hallway and into the bedroom.

I pulled up short just inside the door, speechless as I waited for my brain to catch up.

Standing in the middle of my bedroom, was Bella. But not just regular sweat-pants-and-hoodie Bella.

Wearing a catholic school girl outfit and knee-high socks, Bella looked like every nerdy guy's fantasies come true.

"Well, hey there," she said, toying with the ends of her piggy-tail-bunchy-thingies.

I had to swallow the huge lump in my throat before I could answer - even then it was nothing but a high-pitched squeak.

She looked like a cross between my Bella, and an anime goddess; all pale skin and huge eyes.

"Wh-what...what are you doing?" I spluttered, almost choking on my own saliva.

"What do you think I'm doing?" she replied with a sly grin. Oh, she knew exactly what she was doing to me. "Time to get naughty, Edward. Real freaky-naughty."

"Neato," I squeaked in response as she palmed me through my sweat pants. It was kind of rough, but also really fucking hot. Her eyes were like fire, everywhere she looked seemed to burst into flames, everything around us melting away until it was just her and I.

The room spun as she grabbed me, as though I weighed a feather, threw me on to the bed. In the blink of an eye she was on top of me, her hands pinning my shoulders to the bed as her tongue did strangely arousing things to my nipples.

All I could think was 'Boobs! Boobs! Boobs!' as they spilled out of her white shirt, my hands grasping them roughly. I wondered if I was being too rough, but when she moaned really loudly, I took that as a sign that it was a-okay.

And her mouth? Holy shit. I had never heard her so vocal before; the moaning, the dirty words - she was like a woman possessed by the spirit of Linda Lovelace.

With another sexy smirk, Bella's eyes locked with mine as she crawled slowly down the length of my body, her fingers hooking under the elastic of my sweat pants.

"Fuck," I wheezed, on the brink of hyperventilation. I sucked in a huge lungful of air, trying to calm down so that I didn't blow my load right in her face.

"Oh we will, Flyboy," she teased. "But first..."

And with absolutely no preamble, she sucked me into her mouth, making my back arch and my eyes roll back in my head.

"Ohhh, ssshit!"

She tortured me with long, slow strokes of her tongue, making my toes curl as her fingernails scratched the underside of my balls lightly.

_Where the hell did she learn that stuff? _Is that what they teach girls in those teen magazines? If so, I was taking up a subscription to 'Teen Girl', and never reading 'Wired' again!

My head rolled side to side as she sucked, and licked and generally drove me insane. It wasn't until she gave my balls a somewhat gentle tug, that my eyes flew open, and I saw the little red flashing light atop my bookcase.

"Uh, Bella..."

"Oh, yeah, baby...," she purred. "You like that?"

"No, ugh...fuck. I mean, yeah. What's that...oh Jesus...what's that light?"

"There's no light, baby, ignore it."

"No, but...oh fuck," suddenly Bella's tongue drew a long line up the centre of my balls before she slipped one in her mouth, sucking it gently. "Up...Christ on a cracker...the light up there."

"It's nothing," she dismissed, not even looking up. "It's just a reflection or something."

And then it hit me, and my eyes opened wider as I started to actually take in the scene around me.

The clean sheets underneath me.

The desk lamp angled towards us.

The huge fucking silver reflector positioned beside the bed. I don't know how the fuck I'd missed that!

"Holy fuck, Bella. Are you taping this?" I yelled, wincing as I pushed her off of me, my dick sliding out of her mouth with a wet pop.

Bella sat up quickly, her mouth opening and closing a few times as I wrapped my half naked self up in the comforter. I could see the pretense fall from her face, the exact moment she decided not to give me a bullshit line.

"Alright, fine. I am," she conceded, crawling towards me again. "But I thought it would be sexy, Edward. Don't you think?"

"Bella, I think an over clocked Intel Core processor is sexy. I don't want to film myself having sex with it!

"Edward!" she pouted as she straddled me again, trying to unwrap me like I was a damned pig in blanket. "It's just one time."

"One time my ass!"

Bella shrugged. "Sure, if you wanna get kinky."

"That's not what I meant. What...what are you doing?" I stuttered as she slipped her hands under the blanket and began palming my now semi-flaccid erection.

"Come on, baby. It'll be fun. Just pretend it's not there."

"But what if someone finds it?"

"We'll hide it," Bella replied, her lips making light passes over the sensitive skin of my hips.

"But..." My thoughts were very quickly becoming scrambled. I was starting to realize that Bella Swan had me wrapped around her little finger. She had since the day we met; two ridiculously awkward teenagers, destined to live happily ever after making soft-core porn.

"Just think," she said quietly as she looked up at me, unleashing the full force of her doe-eyed stare on me. "We can watch it any time. Imagine how hot it will be, Edward."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The girl had a point.

"I swear to the Gods of porn, Isabella Swan. If that movie ends up in the hands of the wrong person, so help me woman!"

A brilliant smile broke out across Bella's face, and I immediately felt bad for denying her anything at all.

"It won't. I promise," she said, making a cross over her heart.

Slowly, I unwrapped myself from the blanket and shuffled myself into the lying position again.

"Now," purred Bella, licking her lips. "Where were we?"

And just like that, SPROING! The torpedo was locked and loaded again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the light on the camera and get lost in the moment.

"Just relax," whispered Bella as she ran her nails over my thighs lightly, making them quiver like flipping Jell-o.

Holy throbbing balls, Batman! Bella was so mother-fudging good in the BJ department. She knew just what to do to make me lose any conscious thought processes. After a few minutes of her mad oral skills, she started licking her way back up my chest.

One of the bunches had come out of her hair - I guess having someone shove your head in their crotch will do that - and her lips were pink and swollen. I couldn't wait anymore. She'd driven me bat-shit crazy, and it was time for me to get some payback.

In what I can only guess was an adrenalin-induced fit of strength, I lifted her off me and threw her on the bed beside me, immediately rolling on top of her, covering her small, warm body with my own.

"My turn," I whispered, doing an internal fist-pump when she practically whimpered beneath me.

Okay. Give me a 4800 dual core, AMD CPU, with a 2 gig hard drive and an SLI video card, and I am all over that shit. Ask me to go down on a girl, and I'm going to need a map and an instruction manual with audio options.

But, I figured, how hard could it be?

I just copied everything I'd seen in all the porn movies; lots of tongue, plenty of sucking, and whole lotta moaning. Although, I don't get why the guys moaned all the time - it's not that nice. I mean, it wasn't bad. It tasted kind of tangy, but clean - kind of like her soap, I guess.

Anyway, I went to town.

"Uh...Edward, honey?"

"Mhm?"

"Whatchya doing down there?"

I opened my eyes to see Bella sitting up, her head cocked to one side.

"Wh...Is it not good?" I asked.

"It's...fine. I'm just not sure what you're doing."

"I thought you would like it." I wiped my face on the back of my hand, trying not to feel like a complete loser.

"Fuck," Bella whispered. "Edward. Have you ever eaten pussy?"

"Yes," I snorted, rolling my eyes._ LIAR!_

Bella's eyes opened wide. "Oh my God. You haven't. Fuck...that's so hot."

It was my turn to be surprised. "You think that's hot? You don't think it's stupid?"

Bella ran her hands through her hair, removing the last hair band, letting her hair fall out completely. "If I told you I'd never sucked a dick before, wouldn't you think it was hot that I chose you to be my first?"

"I guess so," I replied, feeling my confidence rise just a little.

Bella lifted my head and sat up just enough to kiss me softly. "I'll tell you what to do, okay?"

"I'll try," I answered, readying myself.

Holding my head in her hands, Bella looked deep into my eyes. "Do or do not. There is no try."

For that, I kissed her like crazy, and when she guided my head back down between her legs, I took it slowly.

"Just start with kisses, baby," she whispered.

So I did. Little soft kisses all over her soft, warm skin. She whispered to me as I went, telling me when to use more tongue, when to use less, and when to use my hands. And what do you know? It worked! Before long she was shaking and mumbling incoherent babble as she tended to do when she was close.

"Crapshitfuck! Oh, God. Harder," she moaned, and with a few passes of my tongue, and a curl of fingers; she was coming.

I did it! I won! I suppressed the urge to do my 'Mario Kart level-up victory dance.

I crawled up to lie beside Bella, who was still panting. "Christ on a bike, that was good," she said, turning to grin at me. "I love you," she whispered, the look on her face making my heart clench. It still sent shivers up my spine hearing her say it. Knowing it was true was one thing, but hearing her say it, seeing it written all over her face - was another.

"I know," I replied with a shrug.

Without even a second thought for the camera, we connected again. It wasn't rushed; it didn't feel like a race to the finish. We got the chance to take our time.

Because finally, we had all the time in the world.

* * *

"Edward, where's the power lead for the camera charger?"

"On the desk beside the monitor."

"Oh, found it!"

I looked down at the two books in my hand, trying to decide which one to read first.

"And where's the case for the handheld?"

"I put it in the box already," I yelled back.

_Astonishing X-Men _was one of my all time favorites. But _300 _was also a really good read, plus it had half naked chicks and heaps of cool fight scenes.

But then, this was X-Men I was talking about!

"Edward..."

I ended up throwing both books into my backpack. "What?"

"Where's that disc?"

I rolled my eyes, wincing as I stabbed myself with my name tag. "Which disc?"

"The disc, ass-tard. The one with our home movie?"

Frustrated, I moved into the bedroom where Bella was packing up all of the camera equipment.

"It's in the hard drive. I uploaded it onto the computer so we could get rid of the disc."

"Yeah but..."

I opened the disc drawer, surprised to see it empty.

Bella crossed her arms over her chest triumphantly. "Like I was about to say, I already looked there."

I scratched my head, confused. "I swear it was there."

"Well, it's not there now," Bella snapped. "So where is it?"

"I don't know," I shrugged.

"Don't you dare tell me you lost it, Edward!"

"I didn't lose it, Bella. I'm just not sure where it is."

"I think that counts as losing something, don't you?"

"No! It's not lost, it's here somewhere. I just don't know where exactly."

"Fuck me in the ass," she hissed. "It's the same thing!"

"Is not! It was in there, I swear. I saw it when I burned Emmett a copy of _'Red Faction'_."

Bella's jaw clenched as she held a jewel case up in front of my face. "You mean this?"

My life flashed before my eyes like a badly drawn graphic novel, as a stark white disc with the words _'Red Faction'_ appeared before me.

"But..."

"If this is the disc you were supposed to burn for Emmett. Where's our movie, Edward?"

I felt the color drain from my face.

I'd already given Emmett his copy of the game. Last night.

I could just imagine Emmett; sitting down in the basement of his house, a huge bowl of popcorn and a liter of TAB in his lap, grinning madly as he shoved the disc into his computer with his stupid Goliath-sized paws

The disc that wasn't the brand new Sci-Fi shooter video game, but a homemade sex-tape.

I gulped audibly. "Oh, shit."

* * *

**AN:** So, there's just the epi left. It'll be short and sweet, and should be up in the next day or so. I'm going to miss these two. But, lucky for me, I've got some new friends to keep me company. *sneaky side-eye*


	17. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

* * *

Are you tired of the same old porn?

Does your penis go flaccid at the mere sound of cheesy music and bad scripts?

Has your significant other lost interest in your extensive collection of adult movies?

Or are you just looking to put some spice back into a boring relationship?

If you answered yes to any of these questions; then why not make your very own adult movie, right there in the comfort of your own home?

With the help of Deepthroat Nine, you can bring the passion of pornography into your bedroom - with the soundtrack of your choice!

What is Deepthroat Nine?

You may remember us as the production company that brought you the run-away hit, 'New Poon', as well as the multi-award winning, world-wide phenomenon of 'The Twatlight Saga; Spanking Dawn'. But the list doesn't end there! Since the company's inception only years ago, we have been responsible for such wonderful classics such as; 'Gangbangs of New York,', 'Sperms of Endearment', and of course, who could forget, 'Poon Raider: The Temple of Love'.

With extensive experience watching and filming porn, Deepthroat Nine is a production company that knows just what is needed to shoot hot sex!

Deepthroat Nine are experts at committing your acts of love, or lust, to high-resolution, high quality, digital video.

Why just set a video camera up at the end of your bed, when we can surround you with all the latest technology available?

Why settle for the one unflattering angle, when our trained professionals can shoot from multiple angles, catching you and your husband/wife/life partner, at their very best?

Be stunned with an array of beautifully captured shots, masterfully arranged to create something beautiful and sexy that will last a life time.

But don't take our word for it, why not read a testimonial from one of our valued, and satisfied customers!

_"My husband and I were tired of the same old pornos. We'd tried branching out into things like spanking and gimp masks, but found the regular maintenance of the equipment tiresome and just plain boring. So, when a friend recommended we try Deepthroat Nine, we jumped at the chance!_

_"Their highly skilled team of writers and expert humpologists made sure we were camera ready, with plenty of advice on hand. We even enrolled in their 'Porn Acting 101' class where we learned everything from erotic massage and heavy petting, to ball-sack work and how to talk like a filthy whore._

_"Making our very own movie helped us to put the spark back into our marriage, and sometimes we even show it at dinner parties!"_

Here at Deepthroat Nine, we're dedicated to getting the best out of you and your husband/wife/life partner. We're so good, you'll think George Lucas himself snuck in and captured you fucking.

Still not sold? Well, we have an offer for you!

If you sign up today, you'll receive our 'Rear and Pleasant Danger' package, valued at over $300 - absolutely FREE!

The 'Rear and Pleasant Danger' package includes the following;

- A one-on-one session with Romanceologist and co-founder, Isabella Cullen. In this special session, you can learn all about the art of seduction, and perfect your very own whore moan.  
- A free 500ml bottle of Twinkie flavoured lube  
- 250g Glitter body paint (non-toxic)  
- And a one hour session with Jasper Whitcock, in which you, or your husband/wife/life partner, will learn about the joys of anal sex.

So don't just sit there and suffer through another boring night of lackluster S&M and yawn-inducing spanking. Call Deepthroat Nine today, and ask about our huge packages today!

We're waiting to hear from you!

The End.

* * *

Well, there we have it. It's the end of Nerdward and Pornella. I won't go on and on. (Much).

Ladyinblue: My superhero, my knight in shining armor. You came to my rescue when I was drowning in a sea of commas and missing dialog tags. You are simply made of win.

Shoefreak/Mustloveshoes: My original partner in crime. The peanut butter in my celery, the popcorn in my ice cream, the french fries in my soft serve - you are brilliant.

Albymangroves: Shitfuckass. Where to start. You do more for me than just pre-read. Your my sounding board, my anchor, my teacher and most of all, my friend. I value every. single. word. you give me. This story would not have continued without your support. Just sayin. (BTW if you ppl are not reading 'The Dark Muse' DEW EET! You won't be sorry.)

The WC H00rs: You know who you are. You bitches are what keep me going. Or distract me. Both are equally as good. You are all beautiful and wonderful, and a crack-whore like my couldn't ask for better.

Most of all. Thank you anyone who read this. Srsly, the reviews and alerts make me want to grope someone, and I'm just happy someone other than me was enjoying it.

On a final note; I will have something new starting to post soon-ish. I have a little bit written already. I will hopefully be something to fill your crack-hole. Keep me on alert if you are interested.

Other than that...Winkles out.


End file.
